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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jan 4 05, 10:14
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#1
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 Egyptian  Posts: 388 Joined: 26-October 03 From: Southeast USA Member No.: 37 Real Name: Jan Writer of: Poetry  |
My footing
quickly slips ~ moving me closer to dangerous places. ~ I find myself falling ` ` ` then I stop short suddenly caught by you. You whisper important words that cement all tenses of time, ‘I am there for you- always.’ I stare into the eyes of forever~forever pleased with such a promise. jtl05 ·······  ······· |
  
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| Guest_Jox_* |
 Jan 4 05, 10:34
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#2
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Hi Jan,
I found the timeless tumble through this piece most interesting - good use of visuals. A pace of gently falling down. Thanks for the read. |
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Jan 4 05, 10:44
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#3
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Egyptian Posts: 388 Joined: 26-October 03 From: Southeast USA Member No.: 37 Real Name: Jan Writer of: Poetry |
Hey, James,
Now if you'd kindly help me up. :upside: Thank you, sir. Glad you enjoyed this tumble with words never losing sight of HOPE. Happy New Year ~ Jan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Jox_* |
Jan 4 05, 12:10
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#4
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Hey, Jan... I've been thinking (I'm dreadfully sorry!).. How about something like the following layout. When the voice is caught, I think you might be best to show a solid, centrally-aligned base in a bold, dark colour. Then the musing in the end can be softer. No less solid but with some reflection. (Also gives slightly blurred eyes).These are only a couple of ideas but, given your poem is highly visual, you might wish to try something to support (!) that. As always, your choices - but if you go visual, I'd suggest you consider GOING VISUAL!! Cheerio, James. suddenly caught by you. You whisper important words that cement all tenses of time, ‘I am there for you- always.’ |
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Jan 4 05, 12:16
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#5
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Egyptian Posts: 388 Joined: 26-October 03 From: Southeast USA Member No.: 37 Real Name: Jan Writer of: Poetry |
Hey, YOU, thinker!
Love it when readers do that. Glad you returned with ideas. I've been thinking of some color emphasis techniques for parts of this... even parts where the voice is caught. *Sort of like Superman and Lois Lane... ah..such a romantic embrace, eh?* Keep thinkin', as I will, for a few shifts in this. Take care, Jan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Toumai_* |
Jan 4 05, 12:41
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#6
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Jan,
This is a wonderful emotional fall and rescue. Thank you for the image - on the page and in my mind. Fran |
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| Guest_Nina_* |
Jan 4 05, 16:18
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#7
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Hi Orion
An interesting journey down the page, warm and comforting at the end. Nina |
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Jan 4 05, 18:57
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#8
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 764 Joined: 18-October 04 From: Sabah, Malaysia Member No.: 80 Writer of: Poetry |
Orion, :wave:
This poem is simple but effective . I like the way it falls all the way down. :dragon: Best Aggiel ······· ······· |
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Jan 7 05, 05:56
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#9
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Good morning Jan :snowflake:
A very seasonal piece with a very appealing layout. I like James's suggestion re colour and have only one other small suggestion to offer. You whisper important words that cement all tenses of time, L5/6 Since this seems to be a wintry piece, how about You whisper important words that freeze all tenses in time ? I can associate with your sentiments of uplifting hope here Jan. Thanks for the read. ······· ······· Love
Grace  http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner             |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Jan 21 05, 15:20
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#10
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This is an interesting piece of work. I've not seen very many poems written this way, but I like this one done this way. It aids the effect of the words you've used.
Cathy~ |
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Jan 23 05, 19:09
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#11
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello Jan!
What a neat poem! I really admire the shape you chose to illustrate this one!  One suggestion in your last stanza: I stare into the eyes of forever~forever pleased with such a promise. How about spacing out the last thought for more emphasis? So it would look something like this: I stare into the eyes of forever... forever pleased with such a promise. How romantic!  ~Cleo  ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner    |
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Jan 23 05, 19:39
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#12
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Jan,
It's wonderful to read you again. I enjoyed how you played this one out. The flow was smooth. This touched me deeply. Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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