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Attempting a Portrait, Free-verse and art work |
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Aug 9 17, 19:35
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 102
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325
Real Name: Ali Zonak
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:none
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OilPortrait_9_06.jpg ( 225.42K )
Number of downloads: 3Attempting a Portrait
Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine, would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy By daylight, when you are awake, I must attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know that once again my skills shall fail me. Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed to do you justice. Paint those parting lips? Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes— eyes that enhance your features, like the stars that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.
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~~~~ It is a poem’s absolute perfection that can lead to its imperfection. ~~~~
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Aug 11 17, 14:04
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Ali,
I am presuming that you painted the beautiful portrait? You are so talented!
On first read I can see nothing much to nit-pick in your lovely poem, which is a great match to the picture..
Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine, would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy By daylight, when you are awake, I must attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know that once again my skills shall fail me. Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed Perhaps 'still' could be deleted for conciseness? to do you justice. Paint those parting lips? Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes— eyes that enhance your features, like the stars that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.
I found the ending a little abrupt (but not in a bad way) Perhaps change to 'A pity you are asleep'
Take or toss, Ali - that might just be me. A beautiful poem & picture. I enjoyed.
Eira
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Aug 11 17, 14:31
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 102
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325
Real Name: Ali Zonak
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:none
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 11 17, 15:04 ) Hi Ali,
I am presuming that you painted the beautiful portrait? You are so talented!
On first read I can see nothing much to nit-pick in your lovely poem, which is a great match to the picture..
Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine, would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy By daylight, when you are awake, I must attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know that once again my skills shall fail me. Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed Perhaps 'still' could be deleted for conciseness? to do you justice. Paint those parting lips? Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes— eyes that enhance your features, like the stars that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.
I found the ending a little abrupt (but not in a bad way) Perhaps change to 'A pity you are asleep'
Take or toss, Ali - that might just be me. A beautiful poem & picture. I enjoyed.
Eira Hi Eira; I like your suggestion "A pity . . . ." For me, creating a perfect ending is about as difficult as adding the final touch to a painting--which in this case was my signature. I took a photo of my old painting before even adding my signature to it. Yes, it's mine, only one of several. It is of sentimental value to me. Thank you for reading my poem and your suggestion. Ali
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~~~~ It is a poem’s absolute perfection that can lead to its imperfection. ~~~~
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Oct 1 17, 02:22
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,882
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Ali, I've come over for a visit after a long time. And I've been fortunate in finding this lovely painting, as well as what appears to be a true love poem. Beautifully achieved, both of them. The ending sounds sad, I don't know whether "asleep" may mean that this beautiful lady has passed away... After all, she would awaken and could be painted then.
Never mind, I've probably opened my mouth and put my foot in it. Please forgive.
So glad you shared these two sentimental works of art with us.
Best wishes, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Oct 5 17, 14:12
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 102
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325
Real Name: Ali Zonak
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:none
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Oct 1 17, 03:22 ) Hi Ali, I've come over for a visit after a long time. And I've been fortunate in finding this lovely painting, as well as what appears to be a true love poem. Beautifully achieved, both of them. The ending sounds sad, I don't know whether "asleep" may mean that this beautiful lady has passed away... After all, she would awaken and could be painted then.
Never mind, I've probably opened my mouth and put my foot in it. Please forgive.
So glad you shared these two sentimental works of art with us.
Best wishes, Syl*** Pleased to see you again, Sylvia' yes, I wrote that poem in one of my sentimental moments--or should I say, a moment of deepest appreciation of my wife and the many joyful years we have spent together. We both are well--although I just got out of the hospital due to a complicated upper respiratory infection from which I'm recovering splendidly. Thank you for your lovely comment, Sylvia. Ali
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~~~~ It is a poem’s absolute perfection that can lead to its imperfection. ~~~~
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