deleted at author's request, Short story (1100 words) Options

[Guest_Andrew_*]

deleted at author's request

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Andrew,

What a great monologue. Very atmospheric and brill twist.

This is a very British story - certainly in language and I much enjoyed it. I would be interested to hear what MMers abroad think, too?

I enjoyed this muchly, Andrew. You have created a great scenario, character and a most enjoyable read. Thank you.

James.

==================

A few points...

In the first part you use "see" a few times but forget to use it later. Moreover, as far as I know it is only a Welsh expression - I've never heard Scots people (nor Londoners) using it. If you know otherwise, at least use it throughout from time-to-time.

I don't look kindly on the heart attack at 45 - I'm not amused young lad!!! :) Mind you, as a way to go...

I didn't get the pure alochol - is that part of the diistillation process? (Scotch is sold at 40% proof ABV).

Bad cliche: but I've lost it and can't find it. :) Avoid them anyway.

A specific dad is usually "Dad" as it's used as a name.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Andrew

An interesting monologue and I found the central character very well portrayed.  I did however find myself reacting quite strongly against him.  As a reader, I do like to feel a bit of empathy and warmth for the main character but found myself unable to here.  I didn't like him very much at all and the tone of the language worked well to reinforce this view, particularly in his attitude to Angus, almost as if he trying to convince himself that Angus deserved all he got.  

I think you get across very well his bitterness and resentment and especially the jealousy he feels towards Douglas.  I wasn't suprised to discover that he was the one who had torched the distillery, callously letting Angus go to prison for him and his weak justification for it.

At least he felt a tinge of guilt at the end, even if he drowned quickly in whisky.



Nina

[Guest_Andrew_*]

Hi, Jox and Nina,
Thanks for your comments.
Nina - I take your point about the main character.  He's not a nice piece of work.  My initial idea when I was writing this piece was to develop a superficially light piece that actually was in quite stark contrast to its subject matter.  I was thinking of the story as a bit of a comment on how people, and society in general, deals with vulnerable members of the community (in this case, Angus).  Anyway, I'm not sure if this came across in the story as it ended up, though!!
Andrew.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Andrew

I was thinking of the story as a bit of a comment on how people, and society in general, deals with vulnerable members of the community (in this case, Angus).  Anyway, I'm not sure if this came across in the story as it ended up, though!!
Andrew.

If that was your intention, then for me anyway, it didn't come across in the story.  I didn't get a sense that Angus was particularly vulnerable, just a bit of a loner who ended up the scapegoat.

You would need to show his vulnerability more.  In what way was he vulnerable?  How did Society treat him?  We only have an indication of your narrator's attitude and treatment and as he isn't a likeable character, this doesn't reflect Society in general.  I fact as you show in the newspaper report Angus becomes a sort of hero.

I think you would need to develop Angus more as a character and show his interaction with others or reaction of others.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Andrew.

I enjoyed your story and felt you portrayed your characters as you had wanted us to imagine them - without sympathy.

I felt as though Angus 'lost it' after his father Douglas passed on and with that thought, I understood as the reader while he kept trying to 'off' himself - to me, it reads as though he just couldn't cope with it (which is true for many). The feelings of losing a parent can be devastating from what I am told).

I don't consider the narrator as 'cold', just one who recalls memories from reading about someone he had an aquaintance with in his life.

A few suggestions below for you to tighten the story:
Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[delete] {add}

Today I watched young Angus McBride being lowered into the ground.  He was dead, [see,] found hanged in his prison cell last week.


Yes, I remember him as a kid.  Every Saturday night, he'd be round here for dinner, fidgeting with his food in that very chair I'm looking at now.  I was a friend of his father's, [see,] and he liked to keep one night a week free to have it off with his wife.  Not that little Angus would have even noticed, to be honest.  As I say, he was always a bit dim.


Anyway, he seemed a nice enough kid at the time, in a vacant, spotty sort of a way.  His dad was a good sort, the only one who'd give me the time of day when I first moved up (they don't like English blokes here, far less Londoners).  I appreciated his kindness, and looking after the little one when he wanted to get a bit of you-know-what seemed like the least I could do.  I do hate children, though.  Always have [done].  I think even Angus could tell I was never very pleased to see him.


I worked with Angus's father at the [whisky] {whiskey} distillery.


"Despite his crime, and its terrible consequences, Mr{.} McBride has become a symbolic figure in Scotland.


Good stuff!
~Cleo

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi, Andrew

At last I'm beginning to catch up, though the kids are still off school ...  

This rather bleak monologue actually reminds me very much of another piece by a local student - it won our young writers competition, so sticks in my mind - although the actual story is completely different.

I think you build up the voice very well, and I like the overall premise with the twist very well.

My problem is with sorting out the narators motivation for babysitting. I think if you can settle that a bit better, the whole would be more easy to believe. I also agree that perhaps Angus could do with a bit more colour; he doesn't come across as terribly vulnerable from the narator's comments as they stand.

Today I watched young Angus McBride being lowered into the ground.  He was dead, see, found hanged in his prison cell last week.

I like the way you are establishing the narator's 'voice' at once.

So, the daft bugger finally managed to do something right.  Two and a half years he'd been inside, and he must have tried to top himself half a dozen times.  Well, they say practice makes perfect, don't they?

'daft bugger' sounds quite affectionate, but the last line is viciously bitter.

Sitting at the kitchen table, with a glass of whisky in one hand, I start to read the obituary from this morning's Perthshire Chronicle: "A reticent boy, born to a proud Highland family…."

These feels a tad contrived (being very picky, lol).

Yes, I remember him as a kid.  Every Saturday night, he'd be round here for dinner, fidgeting with his food in that very chair I'm looking at now.  I was a friend of his father's, see, and he liked to keep one night a week free to have it off with his wife.  Not that little Angus would have even noticed, to be honest.  As I say, he was always a bit dim.

This puzzled me: I only babysit others' kids under duress so having the kid to EAT there every week is a huge favour! Also unusual for a a bloke; surely the missus would sort out such arrangements? (says she, with feeling, lol)

Anyway, he seemed a nice enough kid at the time, in a vacant, spotty sort of a way.  His dad was a good sort, the only one who'd give me the time of day when I first moved up (they don't like English blokes here, far less Londoners).  I appreciated his kindness, and looking after the little one when he wanted to get a bit of you-know-what seemed like the least I could do.  I do hate children, though.  Always have done.  I think even Angus could tell I was never very pleased to see him.

Even less likey? I'm not sure this para adds much, save the narator is not Scottish; I think it clouds his motivations more.

I worked with Angus's father at the whisky distillery.  Douglas, that was his name.  Course, I say I worked with him, but he was much higher up in the company than me - one of the Board of Directors, no less.  Still, he liked a drink, did Douglas, and when I'd stop by his office every evening, he'd always emerge, winking and grinning in that smart suit of his: "Just a wee quick one tonight, eh Johnny?"  Before today, the last time I put on a suit myself was nearly six years ago, and that was to bury him.  Heart attack at forty-five.  Too much of the funny stuff for a married man, I shouldn't wonder.  

Ah-ha, so he likes something exotic with the missus. And he is a company director. The senior position maybe gives him leverage over the narator? Or maybe a bottle of the best stuff as payment for childminding?

I carry on reading the article in the paper: "He left school, without any formal qualifications, at the age of sixteen, finding work at the town's distillery (the oldest of its kind in Scotland)…."  Of course, it was Douglas's influence that got him the job.  Still, from then on, or at least for the next three years, there were three of us sitting round the bar at five o'clock.

Blimy, how many kids would go out with their parents? (or vice versa, lol) even in those days. If Angus really is such a drip, surely his dad would pack him off home to the missus.

Angus always had protested his innocence, claimed he'd simply been out walking by the burn when he'd seen the fire breaking out.

LOL, walking by the 'burn' ... if the narator isn't local, perhaps you could change that (unless you intend the pun, which I think might be a little out of place?)

I can't be blamed for the fact that Angus was one such accident.  I can't be blamed for the rashness, the presumption, the incompetence of the Perthshire constabulary.  Still, a haunting vision of Douglas McBride fills my mind's eye.  The storm outside is worsening, I notice, as I try to push the spectre to one side.  I pour myself another glass of whisky, to soothe my nerve: it's really good stuff.

Excellent ending.

Sorry to be rather negative; I think this has great potential, but needs a bit of reworking to really convince.

Cheers,

Fran

[Guest_Andrew_*]

Hi there Cleo, Fran,

Thanks so much for your input - sorry I've not been around here for a while.  I've been away on holiday, busy at work... and other commitments... but hopefully I'll be able to return the crits soon.  You've both offered some great feedback and I've very grateful for it.  I'll certainly have it in mind as I come to rewrite the piece (just got it back from its first rejection... sigh).

All the best, and apologies again for the belatedness of this acknowledgement

Andrew.

[Guest_orestes_*]

Hi Andrew,

I thought your story was really great -its difficult to sustain monologue of this sort successfully and you absolutely managed it. really interesting use of the unreliable, slightly cantankerous narrator -i loved his occasionally sour turns of phrase-, gave the story a fine double edge and also a real scottish flavour, reminded me slightly of the border ballad tradition in the way that it unfolded. it allowed many latent meanings to suggest themselves in a relatively short space. i only wish it had been longer!

Well done!

Stephen

[Guest_ZaoShang_*]

A very interesting and untypical choice of POV. I agree with Stephen, it's not an easy task to have a story told through the eyes of an unreliable character, particularly the bad guy. I think you've succeeded perfectly. It reminds me of Edgar Allan Poe's 'Tell-Tale Heart'.

The personality of the narrator was quite transparent from his peculiar speech. But I too felt like I wanted to know more about Angus, especially because, as the story started, all this seemed to be about him.

Good choice of names: Angus (sounds like agnus, lamb, and like anguish) suggests a vulnerable person indeed. And... (oh God! ) sacrifice?! It makes sense, actually. In the final stage of the scapegoating process, society turns the victim into a charismatic hero ('Mr McBride has become a symbolic figure in Scotland' and 'Angus McBride had turned himself into an accidental martyr overnight' ). At least that's what René Girard says.

So Angus was held responsible for his father's death. Am I noticing any recurrent (oedipian) motif in your writing? :)

The story was very well paced. I for one didn't expect the ending.

A nice way of emphasising inner drama:

the weather has grown wild

and

The storm outside is worsening

I think the subject is unclear in the following paragraph:

Apparently, the teenage Angus spent all the hours he should have been out chasing girls either listening to folk music or, even worse, reading science fiction.  "I ask him if he thinks it's normal," he used to lament, "and all he'll say is, 'I dunno, dad.  I'm a cosmic anomaly.'"

-saying 'his dad used to lament' would avoid the confusion.

I guess that's all that comes to my mind for now. Good luck!

[Guest_Andrew_*]

Hi, Stephen and ZaoShang,

:(  I've managed to completely miss your posts here somehow - must have managed to inadvertently turn off the e-mail reply notifications somehow or other... I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to therefore stumble over here and notice your kind comments.  ZaoShang - I'm particularly delighted that you picked up on the thread about Angus running through the story.  

I've actually rewritten this, a bit, to clear up a bit more why Johnny feels he has no choice but to look after young Angus (hopefully dealing with Fran's primary concern).  It's been subbed out now, so I'll let you know how it goes...

All the best,

Andrew.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Andrew,

Just read the revsion and it feels much more natural  :pharoah2  

For future reference it's helpful if you can post the revsion above the original when you edit the tile - that way anyone arriving late can see the way things progress.

Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

I missed this when it was first posted and now it's been revised.

I realised it's been subbed, but on the off-chance it gets knocked back, I shall cast my beady eye over it and in a short while offer what little constructive criticism I can muster. However, I'm pleased to see that this one has not received the David Lynch treatment, Andrew. :)

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

I'm back.

This is an interesting and well-told story. The voice is good and consistent. The characters are clearly delineated and the narrative flows smoothly from beginning to end.

Some observations and queries:

The use of 'see' as a kind of verbal comma doesn't work for me. It does sound Welsh and it spoils the otherwise engaging conversational style.

"…and all he'll say is, 'I dunno, dad.  I'm a cosmic anomaly.'"

'dad' should be 'Dad'.

The explosions echoed all the way up the Highlands, I heard.

I found this ambiguous. Did the narrator actually hear the explosions all the way up the Highlands or did he hear from a third party that that was the case?

At the age of twenty-two, poor old thicko Angus McBride had turned himself into an accidental martyr overnight. Why suspect Angus?

But they obviously did, so why? How did they manage to convict him if he was nowhere near the place at the time? Where was the incriminating evidence? In what way were the police incompetent?

Me, I've moved on.  I'm working at the brewery down in Creith these days.  That's what my dad always taught me: "Get even, if you can, and then move on."  The folk here are a strange breed, though.  They don't understand change.  They can't change.

Where is 'here'? At the brewery? Or Carnie? What's the significance of them not being able to change?

Perry

[Guest_Andrew_*]

Hi, Perry.

Thanks for the comments.  Actually, there's a newer version than what you see here - I'll probably post it up when I get the rejection letter through...  

I thought this one might be more up your street.  

Given that a couple of people have picked up on this 'see' thing, perhaps I'll remove it in the next draft.  My defence is that my Dad uses it all the time - and he's as cockney as anything.  Honest guv'.

I've already corrected/clarified a couple of the issues you point out.  However, the issue of Angus's guilt.  I didn't want to get into too much detail, for fear of it spoiling the narrative and compromising the natural flow of the mc's reflections.  However, the idea is basically that Angus was out walking by the burn, which runs close to the distillery, when he sees the fire.  Clearly, he's been spotted by observers (the police, even?) ... he has a motive ... particularly in view of his Dad's history ...

Maybe I need to make it clearer that he's (coincidentally) in the close vicinity when the explosions start.

Good point about the explosions.  

Thanks, as always, for helpful observations.
Andrew.

[Guest_Andrew_*]

PS Fran - this isn't the revision!!!

[Guest_Toumai_*]

That'll teach me not to skim read ...  :blush21:  :speechless:

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Andrew, if you can put Angus in close proximity to the fire at the time the police arrive, that would make a big difference.

You could be on a winner with this one. :pharoah2

[Cleo_Serapis]

Well, with poetry tiles, it's easy to psot revisions above the previous versions. With our prose tiles, it would be rather hard (especially if the post is long).

What I try to do is just make comments at the bottom of the thread of what I have revised.

Hope to see you revision here Andrew.

Cheers!
Cleo

[Guest_Andrew_*]

Thanks, Perry and Cleo.  I'll hang on in there for the rejection (shouldn't take too long, lol), and then post the revision up here.
I'm reluctant to do it right now, because if I've put some dreadful typo in there or something, I'd rather not know about it just yet.  :D