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Epitath, Short poem |
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Aug 5 09, 11:57
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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 174
Joined: 27-May 07
From: Indiana, USA
Member No.: 439
Real Name: Dee Stotts
Writer of: Poetry
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I like it. Simple. True. Just a couple suggestions... I would leave out "sometimes". You really don't need it and it loses power (I think). Also, the ending is somewhat redundant, since you suggest "before now" with the "should have". Perhaps an ending of... I should have. Just my two cents. Enjoyed.
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Aug 5 09, 17:11
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361
Real Name: Ross Baird
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Mysty
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Dee: Thanks for the read and the suggestions. I want to mull them over a bit. I sort of like the drawing out of the last two words and lines. I wanted a sort of halting approach. ace QUOTE (Dee @ Aug 5 09, 11:57 ) I like it. Simple. True. Just a couple suggestions... I would leave out "sometimes". You really don't need it and it loses power (I think). Also, the ending is somewhat redundant, since you suggest "before now" with the "should have". Perhaps an ending of... I should have. Just my two cents. Enjoyed.
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Aug 6 09, 00:21
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,882
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Ace! My 2 cents... to toss or take! I like it very much.
Epitath
It all went so fast; >>>>>> colon instead of semi-colon? I should have looked more; I should have listened; and, perhaps, sometimes felt more before now.
IMHO, the trouble with the ending is that it appears that the dead person is "feeling more" now that he's dead. That would perhaps be OK if he also looked more & listened more from his tomb, but it doesn't read that way.
If you want to, you can just put commas at the end of L2 and L3, and then we have a vision of a dead person actually regretting the whole three..!
Wonderful epitaph! Reminds me of Edgar Lee Masters' Spoon River, except that he's more extensive.
Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Aug 7 09, 02:21
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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G'day, Ross
Epitath
It all went so fast: I should have looked more; <<< You could use a bracketing comma, here mate, because if you deleted ' I should have listened' the poem still makes sense. I should have listened, and, perhaps, sometimes felt more before now.
Epitath
It all went so fast: I should have looked more; >>> Perhaps, delete 'more' I should have listened, and, perhaps, sometimes felt more before now.
Regards,
John
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Aug 7 09, 17:37
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Ace
I like the message in this one and there is not much to suggest.Epitath
Typo: Epitaph
It all went so fast: I should have looked more; I should have listened, and, perhaps, sometimes felt more before now.
L1 You could replace went with passed for an inner rhyme
L2 posssibly looked further
I'm not sure if sometimes is necessary.
I wonder if you could avoid some repeats, because it is a short poem?
Suggestions below~
It all passed so fast: I should have looked further and listened better. Perhaps, I should have felt more deeply, before now. Just a few thoughts to take or toss!
Snow
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Aug 13 09, 23:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi Ace,
Don't think I've met you before. It's a pleasure!
Very concise. A bit of good advise you have here. You have three thought-provoking points in this in my opinion, but I believe the title needs work. Also, I believe you incorrectly spelled the title. What I'd like to see for a title is a generalization. Or even better, a catchy title. Maybe something like "Tips From the Grave." Or "The Deceased Speaks." Or "Tombstone Tips" or some such.
Again, very nice to meet you!!!
Peggy
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Guest_bipolarwriter_*
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Aug 22 09, 21:16
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Guest
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Hi. Nice to meet you. I personally enjoyed your poem. We should all live our lives like it is our last day here on this earth. So that we do not have that on our tombstone. I liked it. I do not think that I am an accomplished enough writer to tell you that you should change anything. To me, in my opinion, I thought it spoke volumes. However, I also have a habit of using too many words that are not necessary. Again, I enjoyed. Melody
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