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Jan 30 07, 18:04
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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Jan 30 07, 20:32
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Cyn, There is such a mixture of emotions through out this. The music describe is beautifully intwined with the ideal of their love, and of course, the ending was quite powerful to follow up on the depth of that beauty. Only a couple of nits... other than that... Beautiful strong poem. Best Wishes, Liz QUOTE I wanted to sing what your fingers had fashioned, your fingers on fret boards and I with a song. Youth had its way in a singer who longed for your fingers to let her, like rosewood can sound. But so many years…and so many battles
Perhaps: But so many years and too many battles
with such battered wills and with no carried chords.
Perhaps omitting 'with before no carried
My voice is pale, reedy, no sweet highs or lows now,
I understand you are going for the rhyme between now and vows, but perhaps omitting 'now' from the end of this line, or just dropping it down to begin the next.
our vows made of silence: no notes, no refrain. How easy it is to let silence befall you;
I love the image of ' ... let silence befall you' perhaps to sooth the repeat maybe ... our vows made mute...no notes, no refrain, how easy it is to let silence befall you;
it’s hard to recall when we first closed our mouths.
Applaudable ending line. Great read.
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Jan 30 07, 22:19
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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Thanks Liz This actually supposed to be rythmic, but I wanted it subtley so. I think I can change a some of the things you mention and keep the rythmn. Cyn
PS I'll be back either later this evening or tomorrow to comment on some poems
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jan 31 07, 12:42
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Guest
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Hi Cyn,
I like the correlation between physical longing and the playing of an instrument. It enhances the romantic flair. I wish I could write things like this! Well done~
Cathy (PS... only one nit, addressed below)
I wanted to sing what your fingers had fashioned, your fingers on fret boards and I with a song. Youth had its way in a singer who longed for your fingers to let her, like rosewood makes sound. But so many years…and so many battles with such battered wills, with no carried chords. My only nit is with these two lines... they feel like an incomplete sentence. Maybe a punctuation change of some sort?
My voice is pale, reedy, no sweet highs or lows now, our vows made of silence: no notes, no refrain. How easy it is to let silence befall you; it’s hard to recall when we first closed our mouths.
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Jan 31 07, 13:43
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hey, Cyn... this has a powerful and all-too-common theme... though certainly not written in a common way! I like the generally rhthmic flow of this, and and I think I can hear this one being sung... but I can't quite make out the melody. Would you please hum louder? I'm gathering that the thrice-mentioned 'fingers' is purposed, as I think lyrics more often repeat words than does the standard poem ? I'm not sure why Liz hears the 'now' on the following line, but it does break your rhythm to put it there... so I'm voting for the original in that regard. Please allow me to play with this just a bit, will you: QUOTE (Cyn @ Jan 30 07, 18:04 ) [snapback]90758[/snapback] Singer
I wanted longed so to sing what your fingers had fashioned,
your deft fingers on fret boards and I with a song. Youth had wanted its way in a singer who longed yearned for
your those fingers to let her, like rosewood[,] make (s) sound. But so many years… and so many battles with such battered wills[...] (,) with no carried chords. [ for that missing half-beat ? ] My voice is pale, reedy, no sweet highs or lows now --
now, our vows made of silence: no notes, no refrain. How easy it is to let silence befall us you; it’s hard to recall when we first closed our mouths. 'closed our mouths' feels slightly cumbersome to me, but right now I can't think of another way of saying it with something not so heavy. I'll be back, though... unless you want me to close mine! deLighting to share, Daniel
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Jan 31 07, 15:44
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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some excellent suggestions Daniel which I will implement immediately, I want to keep longed for the rhyme with song, and mouths for the ou sound but there are some other things that are ever so right about your suggestions. Stay tuned
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Jan 31 07, 16:01
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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okie-dokie... I'll try to keep the strings taut... Lightly, Daniel
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Jan 31 07, 21:56
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Quote Daniel: QUOTE I'm gathering that the thrice-mentioned 'fingers' is purposed, as I think lyrics more often repeat words than does the standard poem ? I'm not sure why Liz hears the 'now' on the following line, but it does break your rhythm to put it there... so I'm voting for the original in that regard.
Hi Cyn,
To answer Daniel's question, because it didn't sound natural. It actually feels like it breaks the rhythm leaving it there. I hear a full end stop at the word 'lows' but mainly because the line, the meaning of those words hold a lot of power and the reader automatically (this reader anyway) felt a natural pause to stop momentarily and take it in then go on to the next line, but to read the line and continue on with now, just felt awkward. Sort of like a word hanging off a cliff not really having any purpose, untill linked to the next line, and actually, if it had a dual meaning I can then see a strength there, but it doesn't. This isn't to say it is bad, once I left the line, your fullnesss in imagery replaced the doubt on that and didn't cause any disruption in the remaining poem: Please feel free to do what feels right to you. These are my thoughts and please use what works for you.
I truly enjoyed this poem and look forward to any revision you might present us!
Best Wishes, Liz
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Jan 31 07, 23:02
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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I can see your point Liz. The reason it was, and has returned to, the line before was to keep the meter set up with the feminine end followed by a masculine end. But since this was posted in non-met/free verse, your suggestion is well taken.
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Jan 31 07, 23:20
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,578
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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And I too see what Liz means now... but I see that I'd heard the piece through a similar musical ear to yours, Cyn... so we're at least singing a round together, or perhaps something in harmony... even if the voices crack a bit. Lightly, Daniel P.S. There are beaucoup songs in free verse that have steady rhythm, methinks... so I think you've posted this in just the right place.
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Feb 1 07, 00:36
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Cyn,
I'm back again to touch base on your revision. I only noticed one change really, (I am not really looking at punctuation as I stink in it! LOL As for the beat etc.. I agree with Daniels statement 10 fold that yes... free verse has rhythm and beat and finding the voice and rhythm of a narrator is what makes a free verse poem poetic. (as well as good handle on poetic devices, as you've masterfully shown in your previous works as well) ...
QUOTE Singer
I wanted to sing what your fingers had fashioned, deft fingers on fret boards and I with a song.
I love the change to 'deft' not only for the inner rhyme of fret, but it is a fresh, rarely used word and fits the meaning that I interpret here tight as a glove. Good suggestion to Daniel!
Youth had its way in a singer who longed for those fingers to let her, like rosewood, make sound. But so many years…and so many battles with such battered wills… with no carried chords. My voice is pale, reedy, no sweet highs or lows now, our vows made of silence: no notes, no refrain. How easy it is to let silence befall us; it’s hard to recall when we first closed our mouths.
Best to you Liz ...
(I'll be back -- when my eyes aren't closing on me! Night! )
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Guest_Don_*
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Feb 1 07, 15:33
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Guest
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My humble suggestion follows: >>original>> those fingers to let her, like rosewood, make sound. But so many years…and so many battles with such battered wills… with no carried chords. My voice is pale, reedy, no sweet highs or lows now, >>revised>> those fingers, like rosewood, let her make sound. But so many years with such battered wills, my voice is pale, reedy, no sweet highs or lows,
Don
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Feb 3 07, 09:24
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Hello Cyn,
Been a while. A captivating blend of how relationships move fwd, where youth clings, and time softens the tones away into silence.
My Favorite part of the poem:
Youth had its way in a singer who longed for those fingers to let her, like rosewood, make sound.
To a musician, the instrument is handled with care and every note and lyric created is precious throughout the phases in reaching perfection.
This is a wonderful metaphor that grabs in its clarity.
Hugs Dani
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