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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Feb 16 07, 20:30
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry  |
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Feb 17 07, 04:04
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#2
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hello Cyn,
I love the style this is written in and the topic itself. The title is wonderful. I will be back with detailed thoughts. Hugs Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner     |
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Feb 18 07, 14:49
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#3
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks for reading Dani, I'll look forward to your thoughts on this
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| Guest_Gregory_* |
Feb 19 07, 09:16
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#4
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Cyn, this is on first reading, rather delightful, it has whimsy, pathos and relentlessness. I will give it a bit more analysis soon, but I have to say the honesty of putting together pink toilet tissue with an old relationship is gorgeously dead-pan. I thought it could be shortened, stanza's 4 and 5 are relatively weak and could be cut without losing the intention of the poem, which in the first 3 stanzas is most elequently worded. The 4th and last stanza could easily be the 6th starting with "You hold on too long but how you lighten your step..." etc. The last lines kick-ass. Cheers, will return, Gregory
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Feb 20 07, 14:55
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#5
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 322 Joined: 20-August 06 From: Minneapolis, Minnesota Member No.: 217 Real Name: Timothy Blighton Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:justdaniel |
Cyn,
There are too many promises on this thread and i am notorously bad at fulfilling mine, so i will return tonight to offer my thoughts; i am off to return to work shortly. If Gregory is correct about this poem's third layer with regards to a loving relationship in cessation, then i missed that in my first two reads trying to connect the natural cycles of death and rebirth and need to print this for further thought. Beautiful, ~tim ······· ······· |
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Feb 20 07, 19:10
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#6
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Cyn,
I printed this out on Saturday Morning, and have been reading it over, and over, and over again-most likely to reread it again ... then perhaps again. The title is a wonderful lead in to an even more spectacular poem. The depth of your descriptives and the poignant feel of the poem is applaudable. It is quite difficult to really come up with anything negative to say or anything to pick at. So I will go stanza to stanza and the few couple of nibbles I might suggest, and for the many things I felt were skillfully and carefully weaved in to associate the subject, the underlying emotions and the fullness of the read. At poem's end I felt excited at images, the lines and how even your line breaks were methodically considered to enhance the flow and meaning of many images. Let's move on to the stanza's ... Hugs, Liz PS Excellent Poetry! QUOTE Climacteric You woke today to an ache you thought was gone, that season already mourned and put aside, flushed away like pink-tinged tissue. I liked the idea of associating a bad time in the subjects life with 'an ache' thought to have been gone. Perhaps a bad time of loss, illness, death, relationship discord and how endings are. The image of L4, is striking. A precise visual for a healed wound. No nits. It’s a late March snow, in February, far too early to be so transient, yet its whitewash not unwelcome to the grime of the fading season. Even now Perhaps "A late March snow, in February, far (good choice of line break here) too early to be so transient, yet as wasps come out of the woodwork, stumble drunkenly useless on stone gray floors, winter begins its end, always before you are ready, always before your mind has softened to the idea. Loved 'winter begins/its end," In L3, I would suggest omitting one of the always, perhaps the second, as the line will smoothly flow - its end, always before you are ready, before your mind has softened to the idea. You hold on too long, as if letting go will lose…. something. What? The lightness that comes with first snow? That anticipation of the clean and cold, the muffled This stanza could be a poem all on its own. This is my favorite. The profound thought of letting go, the truth of fearing to lose something in the letting go-Great image. and muffed, safely layered in wool and white? It’s not that you dread the beginning of the new, but the ending of the old. How you lighten your step Again, another powerful truth. Full and sharp in contrast to the somber tone there after. when the earth is young, green rising. How you whistle so you can see your breath in the first frosty days of fall, and mourn that last leaf’s bright tumble from graceless gray. L4, perhaps ... in the first frosty days of fall, and grieve/that last leaf's bright tumble/from graceless gray. AWESOME IMAGE. AND AWESOME ENDING. My suggestion for substituting mourn is for 2 good reasons. The first, is you've used mourn in S1, which is strong there, both sonically and in meaning. While grieve has a nice assonance with leaf's, and the alliteration with graceless gray seems to flutter off the tongue so nicely, while adding a more defined meaning to the ending. Just a thought. Well Cyn, I am sorry I couldn't offer more here. This poem is as close to a perfect potential and you really didn't leave much to nit pick at ... Hugs and thumbs up on this one! Liz ... ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner       |
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Feb 20 07, 19:15
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#7
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Gregory Wrote:
QUOTE of putting together pink toilet tissue with an old relationship is gorgeously  After reading this I went into a full seizure of laughter-that I couldn't catch my breath! I loved it! I think you typed a typo-Cyn didn't mean 'pink toilet tissue,' but pink tinged tissue (that very pink new flesh that is left on a scar that has lost it's scab and is new in its healed state... But toilet tissue in pink is rather interesting!
······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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Feb 23 07, 10:52
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#8
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Hi all
This has been revised some I much appreciate everyone's close read of this. Gregory, I like the duality of your interpretation, a metaphor for a "flushed" relationship. Liz, he is actually correct about the toilet tissue (picture it tinged with pink), but I left that purposely vague so that it could be interpreted several ways. Climacteric means "change of life". The phrase can be literal (menopausal) in this poem, or seen as a metaphor for change. Thanks for the nom. I hope the revised piece still meets your nomination standards. Cyn ······· ······· |
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Feb 23 07, 11:35
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#9
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,591 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Greetings, Cyn...
Sorry I'm the late comer here; when I did my voting it became obvious to me that my memory of having posted here to your piece was incorrect! I still don't have anything constructive to add to it, since it's already constructed much better than I can do free verse, so I can't really offer a single nit to pick at. I really love the fresh take that you have on seasonal change; this particular viewpoint is not something that I've read personally... and the metaphor the the beginning of the end or the beginning of a completely new phase calling for the letting go of the previous one(s) is quite telling with your words... chilling even with a touch of warmth. I also like the fact that you're speaking in the second person, which could either be the narrator talking to herself or to another. That duality alone is masterfully done! I did understand this on first read, by the way... and the duality of it as well. deLighting always to read you, Daniel 8) P.S. I actually could see the wasp, by the way... and it brought back memories. Great detail! ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
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Feb 23 07, 12:13
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#10
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Daniel
You HAVE commented on this on PT and I have just been remiss in responding there (yet) Thanks for weighing in here. Yes I am sure you can see the wasps. I am glad the image rang true. ······· ······· |
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Feb 23 07, 14:07
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#11
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Cyn,
I'm limited pretty much to R&M but if I could write like you, I'd swear off rhymezone. Cheers, Ron jgd ······· ······· |
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Feb 23 07, 15:39
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#12
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
What a sweet thing to say!
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Feb 26 07, 19:56
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#13
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
QUOTE Liz, he is actually correct about the toilet tissue (picture it tinged with pink), but I left that purposely vague so that it could be interpreted several ways. Climacteric means "change of life". The phrase can be literal (menopausal) in this poem, or seen as a metaphor for change. Thanks for the nom. I hope the revised piece still meets your nomination standards. Cyn Oh My Cyn, See what my old age is doing to me, I read the title, as Climateric (as in having to do with climate) See how red faced and blushing I am! and although I read into the interpretation of 'change of life' I totally missed the reference to pink tinged tissue (asociating the image to the prior one) I am going to stand on my points of I AM IN DENIAL! :) does that count as an excuse! LOL These inner references revealed make the poem even that much more profound and notably a success in my 'best of the best list" ... Excellent Poetry Cyn... Excellent! Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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