Love Undone, totally redone Options

[JLY]

LOVE UNDONE

We were fiery fanatical lovers,
with sensual spirits fervently aglow;
gyrating sultrily beneath the covers,
our lovemaking never hit a plateau.

Scintillating raging passions ignited,
while cavorting carnally in the dark;
wanton ravenous desires inflated
when dining au naturel in the park.

Victimized by the euphoric lure
of a heady snow white plague,
your reality has become obscure,
our succulent union ever so vague.

You chose a narcotic paramour
with which to conjugate in bed.
Our once paradisiacal rapport
expired; hereby pronounced dead.

Two intertwined pulsating hearts
no longer beat amorously as one.
No longer the sum of our parts
since the day our bond came undone.

The escalating stress and strain
brought turmoil and upheaval.
Not even Valium-filled veins
could eradicate my aura of evil.

I long for soothing regal attention
to console this grim and lonely soul.
I seek a serene dimension
to escape this consuming black hole.

[Guest_Don_*]

JLY~~

Smooth and rythmic.

Remember  the movie scene in which woman across dinner table from her boyfriend flamboyantly acts out an orgasm.  Lady at next table orders, "I'll take what she ordered."

Don

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi JLY

A sad tale of love destroyed by the evil of drugs.

Victimized by the euphoric lure
of a heady snow white plague,
your reality has become obscure,
our succulent union ever so vague.
I like the way you describe your lover as being a victim of the euphoric lure of drugs.  It is a very good description of addiction.

I long for soothing regal attention
to console this grim and lonely soul.
I seek a serene dimension
to escape this consuming black hole.

I love this final stanza, how you miss the lover you once had, the loneliness and desolation you feel and the inability to cope or control the way your life is going.

I enjoyed the read.

Nina

[JLY]

Nina,
Thank you.  This is a fictional account of what probably happens quite often among people today.
This was a second revision of something I wrote 2 years ago...I reworked it and took it in a different direction.
JLY

[Siren]

John,

Exceptional. I love reading you. My fav part here is S2... Wow!

Enjoyed
Dani

[JLY]

Dani,
Thanks for your nice comments.
JLY

[Cybele]

Good morning John,

A very 'moving' picture in words. A tale of our times unfortunately. I found only two stumbling blocks..


Scintillating raging passions ignited,
while cavorting carnally in the dark;
wanton esurient desires inflated
when dining au natural in the park.

L3 I had to stop reading here and go and check the word 'esuriant' in the dictionary. By doing this I lost the flow of the verse.

Might I suggest you choose another word, every bit as powerful that people will instantly recognise ~ say rapacious or ravenous?

L4 Typo. Should be au naturel.

Very well observed John and very thought-provoking.

[JLY]

Grace,
Thank you.....your idea of a word replacement makes sense to me....I will fix that part of the poem.
JLY

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi John,

I had read and marvelled several times. Wonderful rhymes and energy for your sad tale.

I didn't know what 'esurient' meant, either - but ignorance never stops me reading (or writing, luckily, lol).

I did notice one nit in that stanza, though:

wanton esurient desires inflated
when dining au natural in the park.

I think you intend the French 'au naturelle', and it should also be in itallic script?

Fran

[JLY]

Fran,
Thank you....I just checked the online dictionary and they have the spelling as follows: au naturel

I am curious to see if their are other variations as you have suggested.
JLY

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Ooops! Nope - just my lousy spelling! (Sorry!)

Fran

[Guest_Don_*]

I didn't know what 'esurient' meant, either - but ignorance never stops me reading (or writing, luckily, lol).

Fran

I agree.

Other reasons for rejection are valid, but God bless our dictionaries.  What is ostentatious and what is pedantic?  A fine nuance indeed.  

I dine with a small group that discusses word meanings.  Rick tended to avoid it, until shamed into expanding his verbal horizons.  He is our tester for out-of-the-ordinary words.  Rick is our ostentatious filter.

I bare burden of being vocabulary pedantic because of poetry.
Another named Don is chided for pendantry proficiency with cross-word puzzles.  Bob is well read; therefore, enjoys good language. We all agree to not needlessly dumb-down comunication.

Therefore, I like to assume Cybele's objection to the unusual word is strictly due to flow disruption for a reader knowing its definition.

Don

[JLY]

Don,
The flow disruption is a valid point of which I never considered when I wrote the piece. My intent is for the reader to enjoy it so I have altered it a bit to make it smoother.
JLY

[Guest_Don_*]

Don,
The flow disruption is a valid point of which I never considered when I wrote the piece. My intent is for the reader to enjoy it so I have altered it a bit to make it smoother.
JLY

Hi JLY~~

I was aware you had changed that word.

Though none of my business why, I was not aware you changed for reason I personnally would accept.  Surrounded by dumb-everyone down movements, I'm becoming increasingly irrationally and irritated.

Bottom line is you, the writer, is where the buck should stop.  Thanks for taking time to sooth my feathers.  Sweet dreams to you too.

Don

[Cybele]

Good morning John,  

Perhaps I didn't make my meaning clear when I suggested a word change in the stanza

Scintillating raging passions ignited,
while cavorting carnally in the dark;
wanton esurient desires inflated
when dining au natural in the park.

and for Don,

I was aware you had changed that word.

Though none of my business why, I was not aware you changed for reason I personnally would accept.  Surrounded by dumb-everyone down movements, I'm becoming increasingly irrationally and irritated.

It had nothing to do with dumbing down, merely the fact that this was a stanza depicting raw explicit sexual passion (perfectly acceptable to the reader ) and I felt that the word esurient seemed slightly out of place in this context. Replacing it with a word such as rapacious, or ravenous or  even salacious would better fit the context of the verse. :block:

It was merely an observation John, offered with the best of intentions for you to chuck or choose.  

[Guest_Don_*]

To Cybele,

Thank you for further explanation Cybele.  I sincerely apologize if my irrational responses upset you, or anyone else.  

All said and done, everyone has been more maturely adult than I.

Let poetry shine.

Don

[JLY]

Grace,
Your original suggestion was most helpful for the varied reasons you provided.  I made the change because it now has more of an image of wild behavior; my previous word, esurient was too mild in its tone.

Thanks to all for this most helpful dialogue.  I think we have uncovered a theme for another thread.  We should contemplate the virtures of an author writing to please himself, or should he/she write so that his audience will have total understanding?

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey John,

I don't know how I missed this one!  And I'm sorry I did!  LOL
What a poem!!  A few comments ... though late

We were fiery fanatical lovers,
with sensual spirits fervently aglow; I would omit "with".
gyrating sultrily beneath the covers,
our lovemaking never hit a plateau.

Scintillating raging passions ignited,
while cavorting carnally in the dark;
wanton ravenous desires inflated
when dining au naturel in the park. I like this line! LOL

Victimized by the euphoric lure
of a heady snow white plague,  Good line!  I was puzzled till I
read the next stanza.
your reality has become obscure,
our succulent union ever so vague.

You chose a narcotic paramour
with which to conjugate in bed.
Our once paradisiacal rapport
expired; hereby pronounced dead.

Two intertwined pulsating hearts
no longer beat amorously as one. I feel the rhythm a little off here.
No longer the sum of our parts
since the day our bond came undone.

The escalating stress and strain
brought turmoil and upheaval.
Not even Valium-filled veins
could eradicate my aura of evil.

I long for soothing regal attention
to console this grim and lonely soul.
I seek a serene dimension
to escape this consuming black hole. A good description of what's left
when a relationship fails.

Well done John!

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Jly,
Such an enjoyable piece and the comment too.
I want to smile when I finish reading a piece and this one almost hurts.
You are a master of wry expression and advanced adjativial excellance!
Cheers,    Ron  jgd