Cycles of Life (Revised Final Version :), Wizard Award ~ Sonnet Options

[Mary Boren]

Cycles of Life

By morning's glimmer, helmeted and gloved,
she's primed and ready, pointed at the peak
that's begging to be conquered. It's a bitch.
Now huffing, puffing, standing on the pedals
and hunkered over handlebars, she's pulled
by daily regimen with certainty
that, having sweated to the top, the ride
is worth it all. Experience will steer
her wheels away from gravel traps and ruts.
A web of intersecting tree-lined paths
that overspreads the park extends a range
of choices: hilltops, valleys, shadows, sun.

It's symmetry in sway as every climb
is answered with a corresponding coast.

-----------------------
former "final" version
-----------------------

By morning's glimmer, helmeted and gloved,
I'm primed and ready, pointed at the peak
that's begging to be conquered. It's a bitch.
Now huffing, puffing, standing on the pedals
and crouched across the handlebars, I'm pulled
by certainty derived of discipline
that once I've sweated to the top, the ride
is worth it all. A web of tree-lined paths
criss-crossing through the park extends a range
of choices: shadows, sunlight, valleys, hills.
There's symmetry in seeing every climb
rewarded with a corresponding coast.

A smiling walker yoo-hoos, "How's it going?"
I answer, "Round and round and up and down."

--------------
Lines changed:

At morning's glimmer, helmeted and gloved,
...
criss-crossing through the park spreads an array

--------------
Former Version:
--------------

At morning's glimmer, helmeted and gloved,
I'm primed and ready, pointed to the peak
that must be claimed before the fun begins.
Now huffing, puffing, standing on the pedals
and leaned across the handlebars, I'm pulled
by certainty that's born of discipline.
And once the summit's been attained, the ride
is worth the preparation. Tree-lined lanes
criss-crossing through the park allow a throng
of choices: hills and valleys, shadows, sun.
There's symmetry in seeing every climb
rewarded with a corresponding coast.

A smiling walker hollers, "How's it going?"
I answer, "Round and round and up and down."

--------------
L6-8 originally read:

by certainty the work is justified.
For once the summit's been attained, the ride
is worth it all. A web of tree-lined lanes

[Peterpan]

Jeee, Mary you are quite a sport?

I like your energy, you go girl, and your poetry...

So! With this poem I think that you could have been a bit introspective? I like all the lines and words but, a esoteric angle or something philosphical? Just my opinion?

PP

[Merlin]

Pull dem reins, Mary.

I thought those things were called stirrups and saddle horn, what?

For all other space cadets - "BV" will be Blank Verse. I had to think on that one until I tried to establish rhyme scheme.

L7 - the "For once" gets me. The initial reading is unclear, meaning "because", or the other take - For once I won instead of losing context. That may need a second look.

Hang on to that mane!

Merlin

[Peterpan]

Hi Merlin~

She's on a bicycle? Isnt she?
She would not have had to work so hard if she was on a horse.

Or am I confused?

PP

[Mary Boren]

Hi Bev -- thanks for reading. Sorry to confuse you. Since it isn't rhymed, I set a challenge for myself to write 14 lines without using the word "bicycle," and to save "up" and "down" for the end. Yep, it's definitely metaphorical. The concluding lines are straight out of a brief exchange with the walker, and that's when it occurred to me to compare the ride to life, in which we have a long, steep learning curve followed by a series of hills & valleys, shadows & sun; round & round, up & down. There's very little flat terrain where I ride. I wanted to call it "That's Life" but Frank Sinatra beat me to it. If the meaning is too obscure, though, I'll find a better title.

Thanks, Merlin. Yes, we have bicycles in Texas. We park them at the back of the stable. I removed that cryptic BV in the subtitle. Didn't want to spell it out because I think it's interesting to see whether the lack of rhyme is noticed. I see what you mean about the possible alternate meaning of "for once" and have revised accordingly. I was bothered by the unintentional rhyme (justified/ride) and it was a little too soon in the sonnet for a volta anyhow. (Mine usually turn on "for" or "but.") I'm trying not to write the darn things at all, but the format's hard to beat for philosophical musings.

Mary

[Peterpan]

Hi Nada Lott

Very much enjoyed. Thank you for sharing it.

PP

[JLY]

Mary,
You are energetic and determined. It seems like sonnets are the rage these days and you have done this format well.Cycles of Life

At morning's glimmer, helmeted and gloved,
I'm primed and ready, pointed to the peak
that must be claimed before the fun begins.
Now huffing, puffing, standing on the pedals
and leaned across the handlebars, I'm pulled
by certainty that's born of discipline.
And once the summit's been attained, the ride
is worth the preparation. Tree-lined lanes
criss-crossing through the park allow a throng
of choices: hills[,] {and} valleys, shadows{,} [and] sun.
There's symmetry in seeing every climb
rewarded with a corresponding coast.

A smiling walker hollers, "How's it going?"
I answer, "Round and round and up and down."

Your last line is quite prophetic, it seems like a response that is marked towards life in general and not your daily bike ride.

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Mary,

I like the double-meaning in your poem. Could be describing a simple bike ride or delving further into the difficulties in life. The title gives just a hint of what to consider when reading. Sometimes life is an uphill struggle and once we've reached the top we can start to enjoy ourselves!

A thought or two for you to ponder... use or lose! *smiles*

Cathy


Cycles of Life Good title! It not only refers to a bike ride but also the struggles that we sometimes encounter in life.

At morning's glimmer, helmeted and gloved,
I'm primed and ready, pointed to the peak
that must be claimed before the fun begins.
Now huffing, puffing, standing on the pedals
and leaned across the handlebars, I'm pulled

Maybe 'pressed across' or 'pressed against' instead of 'leaned' to show more of a struggle?

by certainty that's born of discipline.
And once the summit's been attained, the ride

Should you start a proper sentence with 'and'?

is worth the preparation. Tree-lined lanes

I keep wanting to say 'was' instead of 'is'.

criss-crossing through the park allow a throng
of choices: hills and valleys, shadows, sun.

'hills, valleys, shadows or sun.'

There's symmetry in seeing every climb
rewarded with a corresponding coast.

A smiling walker hollers, "How's it going?"
I answer, "Round and round and up and down."

[Mary Boren]

Thanks, John and Cathy. I appreciate the little nudges, which are duly noted, but I'm going to stick with "hills and valleys, shadows, sun" because it's more important to me to maintain the metrical flow than to be 100% grammatically correct.

Should you start a proper sentence with 'and'?

No, but I do it frequently. I changed it here because the second tweak is closer to what I wanted to say.

Sometimes life is an uphill struggle and once we've reached the top we can start to enjoy ourselves!

Hmm, I may have to rework L3 because I don't mean to imply that we can't enjoy ourselves on the way to the summit. It's more a case of sticking with it until we've conquered the initial learning curve, as I mentioned before. I think that usually takes about 50 years.

Mary

[Mary Boren]

I take that back. Under the oft-quoted and well-proven maxim, "There's always another way to say a thing," I've repaired the aforementioned grammatical glitch. Have also revised L2-3 for better clarity and inserted "yoo-hoos" ILO "hollers" in L13 because it sounds friendlier.

Thanks again.

Mary

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary,
Excellent use of metaphor here.
On first read, it didn't register that it was bv. I only noticed when I reread for rs. That's good!
Somehow the bv suits the subject.
Only small nits from me.


At morning's glimmer, helmeted and gloved,
I'm primed and ready, pointed to the peak
good visuals and alliteration.
that must be claimed before the fun begins.
There's a somewhat passive feel to 'must be claimed' I reckon you are trying to avoid another I... and I can see no other way around that other than what you have.
Now huffing, puffing, standing on the pedals
and crouched across the handlebars, I'm pulled
'crouched' is a much better choice here than 'leaned'. Good scene setting.
by certainty derived of discipline
that once the summit's been attained, the ride
again 'been attained' feels passive.
is worth it all. A web of tree-lined lanes
criss-crossing through the park allows a throng
'throng' seems an unusual choice when speaking of choices
of choices: hills and valleys, shadows, sun.
There's symmetry in seeing every climb
'seeing' doesn't seem to fit. consider, 'knowing'?
rewarded with a corresponding coast.
I love the concept of each difficult climb being rewarded by a coast.
I think you could even end the poem there, tho' the couplet is a nice touch, it's not really necessary.
A smiling walker hollers, "How's it going?"
I answer, "Round and round and up and down."

Hope there's something helpful here.
Best,
Sue

[Michelle]

Hi Mary, I thought this was wonderful when I first read it yesterday, yet with your subtle edits it is even better. Like Merlin, after I read this I went looking for the rhyme scheme and then figured out what BV stood for. I didn't miss the rhyme at all when I read it. I think the metaphor is outstanding. I like L10 the way it is. This almost defines discipline, yet demonstrates the ups and downs that are the cycles of life. I can only applaud you. I find it very difficult to find fault in your work - I'm not being lazy I don't think. When a poem strikes an chord of light in me (without a stumble), I figure why change it. (smiling)

My best,

Michelle

[heartsong7]

I just looked back after posting my comments and saw your newest l3:

that's begging to be conquered. It's a bitch.

Luvit! but now this line begs to be more personalized:

that once the summit's been attained, the ride

"that once I've sweated to the top, the ride" or similar?

Nice ride, lady.
S

[Mary Boren]

Thanks for the good going-over, Sue. We came close to simulposting -- I snuck the revision in there only minutes ahead of you -- so your first nit is now moot, I hope. You're right about the lackluster "summit's been attained," but I haven't come up with a better alternative yet. And I'm not entirely satisfied with "allows a throng" either. I thought about "spreads an array" but didn't want two lines in a row ending with the same vowel sound. It's almost harder not to rhyme. I'll reconsider "seeing every climb," although I like the alliteration with symmetry, but knowing is not the right word.

Hey, Michelle -- it's always a pleasure to see you in my thread. Thanks for the kind words. I'm tickled that you and Sue were both surprised by the blank.

Mary

[Mary Boren]

Erk, the revisions are coming faster than the poem did, or the ride downhill. I'm not even going to mark it tweaked again, but out with throng.

-M.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Mary ... I see this picking up the pace in life's ever-turning phases... The duality to both the title and the inner workings of the poem are wonderful... I felt the change in L5 to crouched is wonderful. It allows for further definition and movement of the narrator- I can clearly see the physical energy depicted, the struggle as Cathy mentions ... It works perfectly.

Perhaps I am having a blah day and cannot quite grasp the ending couplets intended meaning, Let's see what else I can offer... through out..

Big Hugs, Liz

Cycles of Life

At morning's glimmer, helmeted and gloved,
I'm primed and ready, pointed at the peak
that's begging to be conquered. It's a bitch.
Now huffing, puffing, standing on the pedals
and crouched across the handlebars, I'm pulled
by certainty derived of discipline
that once the summit's been attained, the ride
is worth it all. A web of tree-lined lanes
criss-crossing through the park allows a throng
of choices: shadows, sunlight, valleys, hills.
There's symmetry in seeing every climb
rewarded with a corresponding coast.

At first, I was half expecting the turn or the couplet to reveal that this is all happening in the middle of the narrator's living room, on a stationary bike. However, with that expectation in mind, I was nicely surprised by the turn and the variety of scenery provided. Perhaps in L1, By morning's glimmer, to offer that dual meaning of 'as in accompanied and by the time of ... Of course that isn't a real nit, but rather a simple thought.

I especially loved the turning point of L7/L8 - and the use of symmetry -

A smiling walker yoo-hoos, "How's it going?"
I answer, "Round and round and up and down."

On first read the ending couplet left me a little cold, possibly thinking it could have been more emphasis on the meaning toward life cycles - but then, I must say when I read it just the pleasure the unity of both meanings combined effortlessly and it warmed me, as yes ... the ride and the life's experiences are a lot of round and round, the ups and downs ... This was a wonderful read...

Hugs, Liz

[Mary Boren]

Thanks much, Liz. I'm glad the couplet is growing on you. I feel pretty strongly about keeping it because it's what inspired the rest. I often write from the bottom up, esp. sonnets.

Mary

[AMETHYST]

Yes, it has grown on me, and it wasn't until I read without putting thought into the read, but rather when I allowed the poem to take me for the 'ride" and it is a great ride.

Most of my Sonnets (especially) are started with the final couplet too... and then the rest just blossoms... :)

Hugs, Liz

[Mary Boren]

That's great, Liz. It validates my own experience, in that the truth of those simple words "round and round and up and down" clicked with me on a deeper level than the intellect. I love when that happens. Wish I knew what to call it, but there I go again, trying to name the nameless.

Sue, we were posting so close together this morning that I missed your second comment the first time around. Found it just now while showing Charlie the thread, and will be taking you up on that good suggestion. Sweating to the top it is, with thanks.

Mary

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary,
Had to stop back to say how much I like the way you've made 'array' work by simply changing 'lanes' to 'paths' I do see what you meant about the same vowel sounding ending 2 lines in a row. It's something I'll try to be more aware of myself. So many subtle details to keep in mind when searching for the right word. Actually, I think 'paths' works better anyway. Sure 'lined lanes' gave alliteration but it's also a bit of a tongue twister.
This one's near the top now... except for 'seeing'.
consider to make it less passive:
"There's symmetry when each completed climb
rewards me with a corresponding coast."

I like the 'yoo hoo' too!

Sue