 The Valley of Fear, Shadow of Death |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Oct 25 03, 02:01
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry  |
The Valley of Fear Revisions with the help of Alan...Thank You.
Shadows come to pass in a lifetime … sadness grips my heart as I focus on the scene. Unseeing eyes; a crooked smile, a slack jaw; frail body askew tied into a chair. Softly, I whisper, no movement … blank solitude …I whisper again. It’s as if nothing’s been said. Gently rocking… gently…gently, engrossed in curs’ed animus. …. A tear slides, unchecked. Spirit slowly siphons… drip… by…drip… by…drip, evaporating silently into an arcane shell of … nothing. I leave, without saying … goodbye. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Shadows come to pass in a lifetime ... sadness grips my heart as I focus on the scene. Unseeing eyes; a crooked smile on a slack jaw; frail body, askew tied into a chair. Softly, I whisper, no movement ... blank solitude ... I whisper again. It's as if nothing had been said. Gently rocking ... gently ... gently, engrossed in curs'ed animus. ... A tear slides unchecked. A spirit, slowly siphoned ... drip ... by-drip ... by-drip, evaporating silently into aarcane shell of ___ nothingness. I leave without saying ... goodbye. Arnfinn ·······  ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner         |
  
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| Guest__* |
Oct 25 03, 02:44
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#2
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Dear Arnie
Oooooh ! Excellent evocation, but, would you believe, I have some mainly punctuation issues, and presentation. Shadows come to pass in a lifetime ... sadness grips my heart as I focus on the scene. Unseeing eyes; a crooked smile on a slack jaw; (I's say "and" a slack jaw - jaws don't smile !) frail body askew, tied into a chair. (Move comma) Softly, I whisper, no movement ... blank solitude ... I whisper again. It's as if nothing's been said. (haS been said - rest in in present) Gently rocking ... gently ... gently, engrossed in curs'ed animus. ... A tear slides,* unchecked. (add comma) A spirit, slowly siphoned ... (Spirit slowly siphons - present tense) GREAT line, wonderful assonance ! drip ... by-drip ... by-drip, evaporating silently into arcane shell of ___ nothingness. I leave without saying ... goodbye. Arnie, I offer this for your last lines : Spirit slowly siphons ... drip ... by ... drip ... by ... drip ... evaporating silently into arcane shell of ... nothing. I leave, without saying ... goodbye. Here is the whole poem with my suggestions (for you to keep or heap) but without the added comments or edit marks : Shadows come to pass in a lifetime ... sadness grips my heart as I focus on the scene. Unseeing eyes; a crooked smile, a slack jaw; frail body askew, tied into a chair. Softly, I whisper, no movement ... blank solitude ... I whisper again. It's as if nothing's been said. Gently rocking ... gently ... gently, engrossed in curs'ed animus. ... A tear slides, unchecked. Spirit slowly siphons ... drip ... by ... drip ... by ... drip, evaporating silently into arcane shell of ... nothing. I leave, without saying ... goodbye. Arnie, sad, but this is lovely - indicates a moment of regret but accepting the inevitable. As a philosophical point I'd argue with the "nothing", but that is a whole new ball game ! Love Alan |
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| Guest_Lecta_* |
 Nov 29 03, 13:16
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#3
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*sniff* So sad... *sniff*
*cough*  Anyway, I really liked it! Very well put together. I loved the stanza:A spirit, slowly siphoned ... drip ... by-drip ... by-drip, evaporating silently into aarcane shell of ___ nothingness. The poem was very meaningful. I could tell that there was a lot of heart put into it. Well done! ~Lecta~ P.S. I agree with Alan on that stanza. ^ |
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Dec 1 03, 05:54
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#4
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
I posted this poem over a month ago. Alan gave me a lot of his time.
Gave me a full analysis... took time out ... to point out all the finer and basic points of the poem...Everything he said was true and improved ...the structure and reading the piece. I printed out the poem... just to think about ... how I should do things differently...By this time the poem had gone into free fall ... It was heading for the second page... I came to the conclusion I couldn't improve on the revised version. A few days ago the poem was reinstated to page 1. Firstly I want to apologise to Alan for not making an earlier response to all his hard work The Valley of Fear Revisions by Alan...Thank You. Shadows come to pass in a lifetime … sadness grips my heart as I focus on the scene. Unseeing eyes; a crooked smile, a slack jaw; frail body askew tied into a chair. Softly, I whisper, no movement … blank solitude …I whisper again. It’s as if nothing’s been said. Gently rocking… gently…gently, engrossed in curs’ed animus. …. A tear slides, unchecked. Spirit slowly siphons… drip… by…drip… by…drip, evaporating silently into an arcane shell of … nothing. I leave, without saying … goodbye. Arnie 
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Dec 1 03, 06:03
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#5
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
How are you .....Lecta.
Yes this poem has some sad qualities. Its not very often that I go in this direction... Thank you for comenting. Arnie
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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| Guest__* |
Dec 1 03, 06:33
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#6
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Dear Arn
A very good read ! I think you were courageous, going there at all ! Thank you for the thanks. It was a pleasure honing such a fine piece. Love Alan |
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| Guest_Lecta_* |
 Dec 1 03, 17:48
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#7
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No problem!
This may sound kinda weird, but I really like this kind of poetry (sad). Maybe it's because it's the kind I usually write... I dunno. :dunce: Don't think I'm suicidal or anything, it's just what comes out. Happy holidays! ~Lecta~ 
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Dec 1 03, 18:52
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#8
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Arn,
Some of the most captivating reads are those with a dark voice... They reach the reader and pull at him/her. I love this part the most: Spirit slowly siphons… drip… by…drip… by…drip, evaporating silently into an arcane shell of … nothing I can feel the spirit dripping, evaporating... profound images. Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Dec 1 03, 19:02
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#9
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 Egyptian Posts: 431 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Lee's Summit, MO, USA Member No.: 5 Real Name: Butch Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
I came, I read, but I'm not sure what to say. If you don't mind help me a bit, I am old and fading quickly. Is this from the perspective of an old person dying, or am I missing the point entirely? Excuse my question, but better to be dumb for a moment then stupid the rest of my life.
Interesting read. Help me teacher, understand. da Hun
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Dec 1 03, 19:28
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#10
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
WOW!
Arnie ..... THE........FINN.....! What a striking piece! I was sort of expecting a satire from your title before I actually read this one! This is quite deep! Good show "J"! Glad to see another side of you coloring our place! :dance: Cheers! ~Cleo :pharoah: ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner     |
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Dec 3 03, 01:53
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#11
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Al
Once Again...Thank you! Arnie Hi Lecta There's many a poet that fancied the dark side of life, right down to the morbid. Look for instance at Poe! Good to see ya Arnie Hi Daniah  Yes... Perhaps...your correct. Personally i think I would rather hope that the people caring for me, would sort of hurry up the process of dying. I wrote this...because I dont think the average person cares about this sort of thing...It should make you think about your future...and plan ahead. :) Arnie Atila...Me ol' mate...I'm 65years old ....going on 12 Sure.......we all have :wave: goodbye someday What are are ya going to do ...sit down with ya hand on ya chin and worry.As long as you can put ya faith in modern medicine...modern technology...theres not much more ya can do. No this poem is not about a person dying........its about a person being kept alive........That's something to think about.......I know you'll come up with the right answer. Best wishes my friend Arnie How are ya Lori I likes when you call in and say hello... Enough said! I appreciate your comments ... Ya always nice n' friendly. Hope you have a nice day Arnie
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Dec 3 03, 03:08
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#12
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
G'day Arnie
 Took some time to get out of my eeeeasy chair and get down here.  No more jesting, my friend. I don't like morbid poetry, This is NOT morbid. This is the outpouring of thoughts of a very kind, concerned person, trying to deal with a moral dilemma. Is this a relative Arnie? Being kept alive you say? I don't want to start a debate in your thread my friend so I won't add my thoughts on that phrase. Suffice it to say that the tender, loving voice narrating this excellent piece shines through, delivering it's very intelligent thought. Beautiful Arnie. I stand in awe. Love Grace 
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Grace http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner     |
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Dec 3 03, 03:31
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#13
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Hows it goin Grace
Nah! Not a relative...Cept to say some times, you witness things that tugs at the old heartstrings I think I'll leave it go at that :) Thank you, for the kind words. Kind regards, Arnie :troy: ······· ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_blondie_* |
Dec 3 03, 10:32
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#14
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HI there, Arnie. :)
I enjoyed this! The haunting, gloomy feel of the poem...very effective. Kinda sad, but they can't always be happy ones, right? Loved the "drip-drip" part. Creative! Your revisions made a world of difference. Looking forward to more, ~Amy~ |
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