Masked Canvas ~ Revised 4-19-076, Wizard Award ~ Quatrain Refrain Options

[AMETHYST]

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********3rd Revision***************
Masked Canvas

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand,
she decorates the drabness of the day --
thin dabs of sanguine on an ashen land.
Each stroke conceals what she will not betray.

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results, a teardrop shadow showed when scanned,
no options noted -- still she paints her best
with artist's palette, brush and hues in hand.

She hides discolorations of her life
by touching up the downs, a bit of spray
and casting shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in youthful days. A woman in command,
when strength and courage were immersed within-
thin dabs of sanguine on an ashen land.

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork that will never be displayed,
each dappled bloom now lives among the dead,
each stroke conceals what she will not betray.




~~~~~~~2nd Revision~~~~~~~~~~~

Masked Artwork

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
thin dabs of sanguine on an ashen land,
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results; a darkish blot had showed when scanned,
a teardrop shape-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.

She hides discolorations of her life
by touching up the downs, a bit of spray
and casting shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in youthful days. A woman in command,
when strength and courage were immersed within-
thin dabs of sanguine on an ashen land.

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each dappled bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.





~~~~~~~~~~1st Revision~~~~~~~~~~~~


Masked Artwork

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
thin dabs of sanguine on a mars grey land,
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results; a darkish blot had showed when scanned,
a teardrop shape-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions, drawn her old fashioned way,
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in younger days. A woman in command,
when strength and courage were held within-
thin dabs of sanguine, on a mars grey land.

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each brushed on bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.



~~~~~Original~~~~~~~~~~~~

Masked Artwork



With artist palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
a dab of sanquine on a mars-grey sand,
soft strokes conceal all that she'll betray.

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results, then rearranged all she had planned,
tomorrow changed-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions drawn in such a way,
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in younger days. A woman of the land,
when strength and courage were carried within-
a dab of sanquine, on the mars grey sand.

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each brushed on bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal all that she'll betray.

[JLY]

Liz,
There is a lot of emotion in this poem. It's a poem that requires several reads to absorb what you are painting with your words.

When I read the very first phrase, my mind changes it to....

With artist's palette

in this line, I view it slightly different

when strength and courage were {carried} [held] within-

I think of these characterists (strength and courage) as something that is fondly held onto, not just carried like baggage.

Just another thought....
She {hides} [veils] discolorations of her life,
hides seems to be a permanent thing, wherein veil suggests that one can still see some of the texture of her life.....

JLY

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Amethyst,

Very well written.

Why the European spelling of "grey?" Mars-grey or mars grey? To dash or not to dash?

Hmm, never think of mars being gray.

Let "The doctors canvass charts..."

"in compositions drawn in such a way," fails to show us how.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

Thank you. Actually this was a response to a Times Ten Challenge that I hadn't finished, but decided I liked where it was going. It needs a lot of work still. However, it took several drafts to finally get this far with it. The mind doesn't work as well as it use to! LOL ...

...

Liz,
There is a lot of emotion in this poem. It's a poem that requires several reads to absorb what you are painting with your words.

Yes, I was hoping to touch on some emotionally triggering text, although I hope to get it revised where it would take only one, maybe two readings to absorb the intentions. Although I do agree there is many multiple meanings implied, such as canvassed (linking to canvas, as in art) also, L3 in S2, ending with 'her best' the duality I want for that is to be read as 'her best work' and "her better days' or she wants to paint only the good things that she wants others to see/know about her life, not the sad/unfortunate or shameful roads that life had led her to.

When I read the very first phrase, my mind changes it to....

With artist's palette

in this line, I view it slightly different

when strength and courage were {carried} [held] within-

Yes, held is perfect and is much more in line with what I wanted to say. Thank you! I will be using that...

I think of these characterists (strength and courage) as something that is fondly held onto, not just carried like baggage.

Just another thought....
She {hides} [veils] discolorations of her life,
hides seems to be a permanent thing, wherein veil suggests that one can still see some of the texture of her life.....

Another good point. And I will accept that too. veils would also be more fitting to keep with the metaphor of painting/veiling and unveiling art ...

JLY

Thank you John,

I am glad for your visit and the poem, closer to its potential!

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Don,

Thank you for stopping in on this one and the encouragement and compliment!

Dear Amethyst,

Very well written.

Why the European spelling of "grey?" Mars-grey or mars grey? To dash or not to dash?

I am not sure why 'grey' I often spell it that way, even as a kid -- perhaps in another life I lived in Europe! LOL As for Mars being gray - It is actually a name of a color, a friend of mine is an artist an I asked for a few names of colors, this was just what I wanted. I also hoped there would a duality to the line, where the dab of sanquine is seen in 2 ways; a cover up on the grayness of her foundation, or an enhancer of a dull work of art.

Hmm, never think of mars being gray.

Let "The doctors canvass charts..."

"in compositions drawn in such a way," fails to show us how.

I'm not sure what you mean ... I hope you might be able to show me how you are reading it and lend a hand to find a way to improve it.


Don

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Liz.

I like this very much. There are some very subtle tones here, and there is a depth in metaphor, at least to me...

but I have a few questions as to meaning in a couple of places perhaps, so could you help me first please. I do offer a few preliminary notes:

Masked Artwork

With artist palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day [—] ( space and em-dash )
a dab of sanquine on a mars-grey sand,
soft strokes conceal all that she ('ll) would betray.
[ although I think I might have said "all that she'd have betrayed." ]

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results, then rearranged all she had planned,
tomorrow changed [—] and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.

[ I think I have a suggestion in the above, Liz... but first I need to be sure I understand WHAT you're saying, since it seems a bit foggy. It could be saying a couple of different things. Please clarify, will you? ]

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions drawn in such a way,
[ I see what Don is referring to here, Liz... in WHAT way... but I think you're saying that she's drawn her compositions in such a was as to create shadows... ? If so, the grammar that follows in awkward here ]
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in younger days. A woman of the land,
when strength and courage were carried within [—]
[ were carried loses the flow ]
a dab of sanquine, on the mars grey sand.

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed [—]
each brushed[-]on bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal all that she ('ll) would betray.

This is an excellent use of the form, and I applaud you for that as well!

deLightin' in yer writin', Dan'l

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Liz,

Rather than say something was drawn in such a way, you could convey as much by simply saying it was drawn. How about drawn indistinctly or equivalent?

My own interpretation was like my piles of poems that relatives claim the don't understand. When I pass on, they will be seen as a vague recollection of someone they really did not know well. The art is intentionally vague for that is all she wanted anyone to know.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hello Daniel and Don!

Thank you both for coming to my rescue with this one!


Don-

Yes I understand what you mean by doesn't show how ... The 3 inner stanza's are not up to my expectation and are where my focus is primarily, but of course the entire poem welcomes review and critisizing, as I would like to refine this to a very polished level--

Your interpretation is literally on tap, with a slight addition that her work was in the past, revealing and creative (and others couldn't understand them) as you mention with family (as does my family too)LOL ...
when she finds out that she is going to die sooner than she gave thought to, she tries to dress up her works (which her art is metaphorical for her life' experiences) mask them, if you will, so that no body after she is gone, can discover these inner facts or thoughts, passions of hers, and yet, she is betraying herself-her life's work ... and the idea expressed in the last stanza, was to show how her collection of life's work (as with our poetry) will be left unviewed, uncared for, without a pondering from others... so she was only betraying herself by touching up and painting happier times covering up the true meaning of the paintings--

Daniel -

You've offered some good points already, so I hope the above explanation of my intent helps to clarify the poem and allows you to return for further feedback. I know that you always save me and it is much appreciated!

Best Regards to both of you! Liz

[AMETHYST]

Everyone ... Slightly revised, still in progress!

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi sweety,

In the first stanza you write "mars-grey" (with the hyphen), and later your write "mars grey" without a hyphen. I assume you wish to be consistent.

Nicely reworked.

Don

[AMETHYST]

Hi Don,

Thanks, I hadn't noticed that, which do you think works best with / without? ...

Hugs, Liz

[Peterpan]

Liz, this is a show stopper! Well done! I cant write poetry like this so I am in awe!

Very clever wording and of course reinforced by the repetitions in keeping with the quatrain refrain.
Sad subject, with a lot of tears, drab colours - coloured-in and emotions! Wow!

Well done!

PP

[AMETHYST]

Hi Bev,

Thank you so much for the support and encouragement! This I think still needs some touching up but it is surely improving with each revision. Of course you could write poetry like this... infact some of your works I've seen over the past few years has been even stronger! :)

Hugs and thanks for giving me a thumbs up! Liz

[JaxMyth]

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
thin dabs of sanquine on a mars-grey land,
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results; a darkish blot had showed when scanned,
a teardrop shape-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions, drawn her old fashioned way,
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in younger days. A woman in command,
when strength and courage were held within-
thin dabs of sanquine, on a mars grey land.

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each brushed on bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

Deft handling, the more that times that I read it the more I appreciate it.

One query should that color be sanguine?

Regards,

Jax

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

This is one I've overooked, but just read properly. It has great impact Liz, written in a subtle way. I'll come back when I've got more time. I really like this!

Hugs Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Liz -- I'm back!

I feel you have done very well with this difficult form and I'm left floudering for suggestions. LOL!

I'll leave a few thoughts anyway!

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
thin dabs of sanquine on a mars-grey land,
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

I think Jan is right on line 3, it should be sanguine

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results; a darkish blot had showed when scanned,
a teardrop shape-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.

I like the 'teardrop shape' here, which not only shows what shape the blot was, but shows her emotions too.

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions, drawn her old fashioned way,
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

L2 -- has an extra syllable

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in younger days. A woman in command,
when strength and courage were held within-
thin dabs of sanquine, on a mars grey land.

L3 -- only 9 syllables

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each brushed on bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

A very poignant ending. I appreciate your talent with this form Liz.

Hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Jan,

Thanks for catching that, when I first noticed it I fixed it in my word files, but forgot I didn't fix it here! Thanks for the quick catch! The Form is one I created myself. Thank you for the kind comment and the encouragement!

Best Wishes, Liz

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
thin dabs of sanquine on a mars-grey land,
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results; a darkish blot had showed when scanned,
a teardrop shape-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions, drawn her old fashioned way,
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in younger days. A woman in command,
when strength and courage were held within-
thin dabs of sanquine, on a mars grey land.

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each brushed on bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

Deft handling, the more that times that I read it the more I appreciate it.

One query should that color be sanguine?

Regards,

Jax

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz -- I'm back!

I feel you have done very well with this difficult form and I'm left floudering for suggestions. LOL!

[b]Hi Snow, Thank you - I cannot wait for you to try the form, I know you will make something mazing.

I'll leave a few thoughts anyway![/b]

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
thin dabs of sanquine on a mars-grey land,
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

I think Jan is right on line 3, it should be sanguine

Yes, He was and I had changed it in my files, but forgot here! I've taken care of that now! Thanks...

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results; a darkish blot had showed when scanned,
a teardrop shape-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.

I like the 'teardrop shape' here, which not only shows what shape the blot was, but shows her emotions too.


Thank you! That was exactly what I was hoping for. The tear shape was to emphasize the sadness such a finding can cause - You've made my day!

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions, drawn her old fashioned way,
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

L2 -- has an extra syllable

oooooopssss I didn't even see that! Will revise tonight when I get home! Thanks Snow!

to filter out the fading tints of sin
in younger days. A woman in command,
when strength and courage were held within-
thin dabs of sanquine, on a mars grey land.

L3 -- only 9 syllables yep, this too!

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each brushed on bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

A very poignant ending. I appreciate your talent with this form Liz.

Hugs Snow

Will be making changes later tonight from home! Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

Wow - no wonder this is nominated for IBPC! This is deep! I actually, in some ways, relate to this as a story about my own struggles, health and mentally speaking, so that's saying alot!

I like your title - it is revealing but doesn't give too much away. The form here is perfect for this tale. I got hung up though on mars-grey ??? I've offered a few word alternates below for meter and alliterative purposes for you to ponder.

Well written! Best of luck in the polls.
~Cleo


[add] {delete] (comment)

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
thin dabs of sanguine on a mars grey land, (do you mean the planet Mars or ‘on a marshy land’?)
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.
This is a perfect opening - each line is an independent piece of the whole to come....

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results; a darkish blot had showed when scanned,
a teardrop shape-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.
Oh my – such a scary thing to hear! "Love the duality of 'teardrop'!

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions, drawn her {old fashioned} [unique] way, (Had an extra beat in there Liz)
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

to filter out the fading tints of sin
{in younger} [from youthful] days. A woman in command{,}
when strength and courage were held within-
thin dabs of sanguine, on a mars grey land. (Again, Mars, or ‘on a marshy land’?)
In L3 above, you're one beat short and the rhythm is a bit bumpy with ‘were held’. I suggest:
when strength and courage carried her within-

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each {brushed on} [dappled] bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz.

Wow - no wonder this is nominated for IBPC! This is deep! I actually, in some ways, relate to this as a story about my own struggles, health and mentally speaking, so that's saying alot!

Hi Lori,

Thank you! I know you can relate. Thank goodness this isn't written about anyone specific, just someone I drudged up in my head, a story that sort of came to mind! Unfortunately, there is someone out there somewhere who fits this story.

I like your title - it is revealing but doesn't give too much away. The form here is perfect for this tale. I got hung up though on mars-grey ??? I've offered a few word alternates below for meter and alliterative purposes for you to ponder.

I was wondering about the title. I like it but feel there is something much more fitting and I haven't stumbled on it yet. The mars gray is a name of a color, but it is not going over big and I will be making the change to use your suggestion. It is much better. Thank you for that!

Well written! Best of luck in the polls.
~Cleo

Thank You! :)

[add] {delete] (comment)

With artist's palette, brush and hues in hand
she decorates the drabness of the day-
thin dabs of sanguine on a mars grey land, (do you mean the planet Mars or ‘on a marshy land’?)
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.
This is a perfect opening - each line is an independent piece of the whole to come....

The idea I was going through was to connect the gray of mood into the gray of the painting, and then connect it to the gray matter of the spot found in her xrays. Thank you ... making the change from mars gray will certainly improve it! :)

The doctors canvassed charts, discussing test
results; a darkish blot had showed when scanned,
a teardrop shape-and still she paints her best
with artist palette, brush and hues in hand.
Oh my – such a scary thing to hear! "Love the duality of 'teardrop'!

Glad you caught it!

She hides discolorations of her life,
in compositions, drawn her {old fashioned} [unique] way, (Had an extra beat in there Liz)
creating shadows with a shaping knife.
She decorates the drabness of the day

Unique is perfect! Thanks! Yes, I was searching for an approapriate replacement before I tackled it in revision! and you came with one in hand! Oh the presents we receive everyday, little nuggets like snickers bites... ok, perhaps not as good as a snicker's but almost!

to filter out the fading tints of sin
{in younger} [from youthful] days. A woman in command{,}
when strength and courage were held within-
thin dabs of sanguine, on a mars grey land. (Again, Mars, or ‘on a marshy land’?)
In L3 above, you're one beat short and the rhythm is a bit bumpy with ‘were held’. I suggest:
when strength and courage carried her within-

I think I had carried originally. I am still very unsure about L1/2/3 of this stanza, mainly I think because I am wanting to show the transition from strong, confident and self assured to fragile, and unsure of what is to come. I think I just tossed in what came into mind to get it finished and I am just not happy with this point. It should be sort of a volta, a turning point to bring us into the ending stanza... Hmmmmm, I will be reworking this as I go, always open to suggestions! :)

Her gallery is now a storage shed
of artwork which will never be displayed-
each {brushed on} [dappled] bloom now lives among the dead;
soft strokes conceal what she will not betray.

Love 'dappled' and how the alliteration of displayed bounces off of it - Will be making that change for sure! :)

Thank you Lori, these suggestions will certainly help get me toward the potential I think the poem has!

Hugs, Liz