Consequences of Disease, complete revise of An Induced Fog Options

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

Consequences of Disease

due to some crits i received on another forum, i completely revised "Lost in Induced Fog."  i'd like to see what ya'll think.  it is a downer.

revision 2
My world revolves around an inborn ailment,
into which many doctors and interns pry.
Each one is certain he has the best treatment;  
yet overdue bills, returned checks pile high.
Medications prescribed for symptoms’ easement    
keep this body alive, yet I want to die;
for side-effects have slowed my adroit brain
and I shall never work… or play… again.


revision 1
My world revolves around an inborn ailment,
into which multi-docs and interns pry.
Each one is certain his is the best treatment;  
while overdue bills, canceled checks pile high.
Medications prescribed for symptoms’ easement    
keep this body alive, yet I want to die;
for side-effects have slowed my clever brain
and I shall never work… or play… again.



original
My world revolves around an inborn ailment.
The doctors, residents, and interns keep arrogantly prying,        
and each are certain that his is the best treatment.  
Yet overdue bills, canceled checks keep piling.
The medications prescribed for symptoms’ easement    
are keeping this treacherous body of mine from dying;
but side-effects have slowed my clever brain
and I shall never work… or play… again.

[Guest__*]

Dear Deb

Serves you right for going to another forum LOL !

Lost in Induced Fog ended up as a very good poem, and this, altho akin, is another statement entirely.

I am certainly willing to crit this if you want, but only as itself, not as a "better" version of "Fog", cuz it ain't !

One thing I will take issue with tho :

but side-effects have slowed my clever brain
and I shall never work… or play… again.

Methinks my friend Deb, not being able to play previous games, has found new, perhaps more cerebral ones, to be going on with instead, and plays them with a verve and skill this impress me, for one .....

Keep talking the (poetic) pills ! Hey, that "talking" was a typo, but it says what I wanted to say much better that the non-typo word "taking" could have done !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

thanx alan,

you're quite right.  i have found poetry & it is very satisfying to me.  & sharing it with all my buddies (like you) is terrific also.

and, yes, i would like you to critique the poem.  it did turn out quite differently than Induced Fog.  i would like to see your take on it.

thanx always!

deb

[Guest__*]

Dear Deb

Ok here goes :

My offering, certainly shortened, perhaps tightened, possibly altering too much of what you intended. It took me a while to figure out the rhyme scheme, and I've taken one liberty with a slant rhyme, pry/high/life, the i sound is the same so for me it flies !

Life revolves around an inborn ailment
into which multi-docs and interns pry,        
each one knowing his is the best treatment;
Bills and canceled checks pile high,
while potions for symptoms’ easement    
keep this feeble body to its life;
side-effects have dulled my clever brain
and I shall never work, or play, again.


My world revolves around an inborn ailment.
The doctors, residents, and interns keep arrogantly prying,        
and each are certain that his is the best treatment.  
Yet overdue bills, canceled checks keep piling.
The medications prescribed for symptoms’ easement    
are keeping this treacherous body of mine from dying;
but side-effects have slowed my clever brain
and I shall never work… or play… again.


Back to you Deb, whadja tink ?

Love
Alan




[i]

[Orion]

Hi, Deb,
I only have a few minutes here but wanted to stop by to say you have created a believable set of circumstances that cry out to the reader. It's sad, and if this is true in your life, my heart goes out to you. I like what Alan has shortened; however, in just a brief reading, the line "keep this body to its feeble life"...I thought maybe "connect this feeble body to life". Just a thought for you to toss or consider.
Cheers,
Janet

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi alan,

i posted a revise based on your suggestions.  yours did clean it up, particularly L2.  thanx!

each line has either 10 or 11 syllables in it now & each have 5 stressed beats (if i'm counting right).  check it out & see how you like it.

i appreciate all of your time & efforts.

hugz,

deb

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi janet!

thanx for stopping by!  i appreciate your comments.

yeah, it's true.  i've put up a website giving information about my illness 'cause it is extremely rare & the teacher part of me is always ready to educate.  i used to talk about it in my biology classes cause students learn better if they can relate to the information.

anyway, thanx again for your kind words & suggestions.  they're very much appreciated.

deb

heck, i didn't even realize i hadn't put the url in!  anyway, it's http://dself.freeservers.com

[Cybele]

Good Morning Debs,

Each are certain his is the best treatment;

Using each Debs  shouldn't it read

Each [u] one [/u] certain his is the best treatment ?


yet overdue bills, canceled checks pile high.

L2 and L3 suggest the cause of the overdue bills so maybe L4 might read

while overdue bills, canceled checks pile high.

So:

My world revolves around an inborn ailment,
into which multi-docs and interns pry.
each one certain his is the best treatment
while overdue bills, canceled checks pile high
Medications prescribed for symptoms’ easement    
keep this body alive, yet I want to die;
for side-effects have slowed my clever brain  * thinking* might soften this line
and I shall never work… or play… again.

My prayers are with you Debs.


DO NOT GO SOFTLY - RAGE!!!


Love

Grace

[Guest__*]

Dear Deb and Grace

Grace, good advice, but perhaps should be amended slightly :

DO NOT GO SOFTLY - WRITE!!!

as Deb is already into, in a big way !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Debs,
not often one see's diagnosis' and prognosis' put into poetic form.
Yet you cover all the bases, and still wind up disallusioned.
Larry

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi grace!

thanx for the great suggestions!  i put them in without a revision.  i have problems with the word, "thinking."  i ran through the thesaurus again looking for something i liked to replace "clever" and i just couldn't find anything that fit.  "brilliant" is too much & i think "thinking" is a little redundant put next to brain, cause everyone thinks.  [well, not Everyone!]

i had a guy on another forum tell me that putting in "clever" was arrogant of me.  i thought it was pretty arrogant of him to say so!  

but i just wanted to indicate that i had an above average brain before all the side-effects of the disease & medications kicked in.

anyway, i'm going to arrogantly keep "clever" in for the moment.  LOL!

thank you so much for you comments & your very kind remarks.  i greatly appreciate both them & you.

big hugz,

deb

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi alan!

ole arnie is "The Terminator."  but i'm gonna call you, "The Encourager," cause that's what you are to me.

thanx always,

deb

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

O Great & Powerful Zeus,

i am always grateful to see you in my thread. what the hell does "disallusioned" mean?  i've looked it up in my dictionary & it didn't have it.  
please,  O Zeus, enlighten me with understanding.  

deb

[Cleo_Serapis]

O Great & Powerful Zeus,

i am always grateful to see you in my thread. what the hell does "disallusioned" mean?  i've looked it up in my dictionary & it didn't have it.  
please,  O Zeus, enlighten me with understanding.  

deb

Deb!

I think the all mighty meant disillusioned. I guess he didn't use the spell checker!

~Cleo  :pharoah2

[Guest__*]

Dear Deb

I'm touched (but then, you probably knew that already !

Love
Alan
The Encourager

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Deb!  

You've got to keep your wits and fight these docs along with your disease! You are a fighter, I can tell, and that is GOOD!  
Listen to your fellow poets, when you get mad, write! Write letter, write poems, write to express yourself. Just make sure you're coherent when ya do it!  ???  

Here's wishing you find comfort soon!  

I have a disease called Endometriosis and I can tell you, sometimes the physical pain is so much less than the mental pain (anguish) we go through. I'm sure you'll agree. It's good to write.

Anyway - pleae see my comments below to mull over.
Hugarooos!
~Cleo  



My world revolves around an inborn ailment,
into which multi-docs and interns pry.
Here, may I suggest 'many' instead of 'multi'? Unless you are referring to multi-tasked?

Each one is certain his is the best treatment;  
Each one is certain he has the best treatment;
while overdue bills, canceled checks pile high.
I'm not certain you mean canceled checks here? To me, that phrase means
'cashed' checks?
Medications prescribed for symptoms’ easement    
keep this body alive, yet I want to die;  Very real and sad!
for side-effects have slowed my clever cunning brain
and I shall never work… or play… again.

[Guest__*]

Hi Debs
"The Fog" was an ottava rima I believe. Which meant that it had to stay within certain parameters.  If you leave that exercise and decide to say the same thing in another form, it may be more, or less succinct.
This new poem is exactly that. A new poem, albeit with the same message.

My world revolves around an inborn ailment,
into which multi-docs and interns pry.
Each one is certain his is the best treatment;  
while overdue bills, canceled checks pile high.
Medications prescribed for symptoms’ easement    
keep this body alive, yet I want to die;
for side-effects have slowed my clever brain
and I shall never work… or play… again.

The last couplet is very poignant and sad.
I don't think clever is arrogant at all, but if you are not happy with the word clever, then there are alternatives.

listless  (I rather like this one)
sated
heavy
sluggish
tired
sleepy
dulling
failing

Chin up hon..

Hugz

Tom.

[Guest__*]

Dear Deb and Cleo

for side-effects have slowed my cunning brain

At least in the UK cunning has neg connotations - calsulating, clever-clever. But I though of

for side-effects have slowed my active brain.

Tho I would stick with clever. Or go back to the other board and put

for side-effects have slowed my arrogant brain !

Love
Alan
The Encourager

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi cleo!

thanx for your kind remarks & for the great suggestions.  they're very much appreciated.

i put up a revise based on your suggestions.  

My world revolves around an inborn ailment,
into which multi-docs and interns pry.
Here, may I suggest 'many' instead of 'multi'? Unless you are referring to multi-tasked?
i did change it to "many" & also changed docs to doctors.

Each one is certain his is the best treatment;  
Each one is certain he has the best treatment;liked your suggestion here, too.
while overdue bills, canceled checks pile high.
I'm not certain you mean canceled checks here? To me, that phrase means
'cashed' checks?
yeah, thanks for catching that.  i changed "canceled checks" to "returned checks."
Medications prescribed for symptoms’ easement    
keep this body alive, yet I want to die;  Very real and sad!
for side-effects have slowed my clever cunning brain
as alan states later on, "cunning" does have a neg connotation.  i'm still going with "clever" at the moment.
and I shall never work… or play… again.

thanx again for your terrific suggestions & sweet remarks.  {i LOVE these smilies!}

deb

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi tom!

thanx for stopping by & for your kind comments.  i very much appreciate it.

it's funny, until you mentioned about "Fog" being an ottiva rima, i'd forgotten that.  i haven't paid any attention to this one being an ottiva rima after i first wrote it.

so i'm not gonna pay attention to that part since it seems this one was supposed to be different.  but i'm glad you reminded me!

BIG Hugz!

deb