The Tide Options

[Cyn]

The Tide

We walked, once
hand in hand,
soul on soul, harmony
of salt and sand,
til the tide dragged me down,
into the nothingness
I knew……I know.

Yet we return
to find the path we took has little changed,
deserted by my tired heart.

The maelstrom’s wake has left me
scoured,
waves have washed away,
and sand is safe and soft
under my feet again.

The tide comes in,
drifts out again.
I have loved you just as sure.

© Cynthia Neely

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cyn,

An interesting poem with the occasional rhyme (hand / sand)

You could use the actual word "till" rather than the abbreviation for "until" - make it look a little archaic - unless you want that look, of course.

I have been critting something with many "the"s in recently, so my view may be tainted but I think you could have a purge on them here, too - they seem to crop-up very frequently. (I counted seven, plus one in the title). It is such a necessary word in English that I try to purge it wherever appropriate - there will still be plenty.

The clever end-pun (sure / shore) - groan! Actually, I do wonder if that comes in the way of your message - as this is not, otherwise, a humerous poem?

A wistful - even mournful - read. Thank you.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cyn

I slightly wistful poem of love once wonderful then suffocated by the tide of events that overwhelmed and now being rediscovered and realising it was there all the time.

Yet we return
to find the path we took has little changed,
deserted by my tired heart.

I'm not quite sure of your meaning here.  Do you mean that the path of love has changed little except that your heart is no longer tired or do you mean

that the path you took which your tired heart distanced you  from, has, now you've rediscovered it,  changed little.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[Guest_manofwords73_*]

Hi Cyn,
I like the emotion you set up here, that longing, mounful feeling. Something great has been lost and the ordeal has left the narrator weathered, tired.

The first stanza sets a good dramatic hook with the line "'till the tide dragged me down". You probably don't need the words "unthinking" and "unfeeling." I think the stanza reads with more power without them.

We walked, once
hand in hand,
soul on soul, harmony
of salt and sand,
‘til the tide dragged me down
into the nothingness
I knew……I know.

In the second stanza you mention the path that has "little changed" (ln. 11). I'd like to see more of that. Show that path. You have a good ability to create strong images -- that much I've gleaned from previous poems -- so don't be afraid to use it here. Maybe there's something about that walkway which will give your audience a better indication of the relationship between the two people in this piece.

There seems to be a struggle in this poem between two environments -- the physical and the narrator's psychological/emotional. I think you can balance both within one poem by using each one to reflect the other. Presently you have a solid framework established for that.

All in all I'd say you have something intriguing here. My usual opinion is that lost love poetry tends toward melodrama. That doesn't seem to happen here. You temper it evenly.

[Psyche]

Hi Cyn !!  :sun:

What a beautiful poem !  :sun:  It's a mixture of realism and romanticism, sad yet loving. And you've used the tide, the waves, the sand and the maelstrom so well to represent deep feelings of love regained, but with life's experiences having mellowed it. Love's lesson taught !  :)  Which can be so cruel, yes.  :speechless:

I would perhaps remove the "the" before nothingness.

Yet we return
to find the path we took has little changed,
deserted by my tired heart.

This is brilliant ! Maybe it can be interpreted in different ways. One interpretation could be that when the lovers return to "the path", the feelings of harmony haven't changed much, but in a metaphoric sense there is nevertheless something missing, since it was deserted "by my tired heart". Love it, anyway  :cloud9:

The tide comes in,
drifts out again.
I have loved you just as sure.

Lovely finale, Cyn. Love waxes and wanes, along with the tides and the moon, but just as surely as the tide comes in and then recedes, so has the character's love endured for the loved one. You've expressed it all so poetically. Behind all these poignant lines one imagines a person who has gone through many difficult life episodes, but is still whole in spirit and body.

Thanks for sharing,
hugs,
Sylvia  :lovie:

[Cyn]

Hi James
I always suspect you want to purge my ands and thes LOL but I just can't do it. I can't find more than a place or two where it would not end up affecting the narrative quality I am after.

here is where I think I could get rid of them:

My maelstrom’s wake has left me
scoured,
the waves
have washed away,
and the sand is safe and soft
under my feet again.

The end was not intended as a pun but given my past punning I can see why you might thing so!

Hi Nina

you ask: do you mean that the path you took which your tired heart distanced you  from, has, now you've rediscovered it,  changed little.

Yes that is what I mean

Kenneth

I agree I can drop those two words.

So does ithe poem feel incomplete to you?

Thanks everyone
Cyn

[Cyn]

Hi Sylvia
Thanks so much, I will be working on this one some

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Cyn,

Like Jox, I find "the" in line eight redundant.  For same reason I suggest deleting "my" in last line of stanza three, and "have" in last line.  The deletion of "my" suggests this line be: underfoot again.

My mind insists on substituting "in" between "soul on soul" to link with previous "hand in hand."

Enjoyable alliterations of "salt/sand, sand/safe/soft."

I enjoy the physical pictures being metaphor for unseen inner events.  A touching nuance.  It is a fine balance interplay between memory and reality.

I see a reversal of the traditional leaving ones footprints in the sand as the path exists without the footprints because the latter is whimsically temporary.  The security is in the sand and tide...and love.

The first stanza saying he is a passed event is contradicted in second stanza saying we returned.  I can see the first being physical and the second being memory, but the leap may be a bridge too far.

Thanks for sharing.

Don

[Cyn]

well it is the return of love, had once, lost, regained. So yes it is in the past in the first stanza. Hmmm doesn't seem like a leap to me, any one else find this confusing? Thanks Don.

[Guest_manofwords73_*]

Cyn,
I wouldn't say incomplete. For some reason that seems to imply some sort of failing to me. I'd say this poem has the basic foundation; what is needed now are the details which flesh out frame.

The reason I say this is because it seems many of your lines have these images which I find interesting enough to want to explore further. You describe emotions I want to know more about. The poem isn't incomplete in that it's vague or lacking; instead it leaves me starving for more information out of interest for what I've already experienced through your words.

In my opinion this is a good problem, if you want to classify it a problem. It means you can dive deeper into the work. Try pulling each stanza out and writing a meditative narrative about what goes on in that specific scene. Just load that with details. Then pick the stronger descriptions and start polishing those. Usually what you end up with are vivid details that will surprise you by just how much more solid they make the poem.

[Cyn]

Into nothingness I knew....I know

seems forced to me without the the

I would need to drop the I knew and I know

I will have to try to live with it for a while, I promise I will keep an open mind but I am not sure you will ever make me an article cutting convert  

[Psyche]

Hi again, Cyn !  :sun:

No, the change from past tense to present doesn't confuse me at all. I think it's a good progression in time, gives the poem movement.

Sorry about the "the" from nothingness !!  :speechless:   It's amusing that I should have chosen that precise "the", because I'm mostly against removing too many articles, conjunctions and prepositions from poems. Although I admire people who handle minimalist poetry very much, my own style is far from minimalist. And I like using "and" also, sometimes two or three in a row !!  

We're all different, thank goodness!!  

Lovely poem, Cyn, I won't make any other suggestions so as not to confuse you.

Hugs,
Sylvia  :cheer:

[Cyn]

Not at all Sylvia, it may be better without the I knew, I know anyway. Thinkin on it  :upside:

I too admire those who hear and write their  poetry with minimal words. It is a gift to be sure and a different voice than I tend to have. I just tend to be more converstaional or narrative i guess. There is a place for both styles I should think.

Either way, it is interesting to hear the suggestions and try to apply them to see if it will still work for me, sometimes it does! So there you are.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cyn -

Thanks!

Yes a good solution.

(Relating to your reply to me).

J.

[Cyn]

Hey James, how do you in the UK pronounce sure? Do you pronounce it shore? If so, no wonder you thought a play on words there! We (at least here in my neck of the woods) pronounce it shoor.

I am just irritated there was a pun there that I didn't even get to take credit for LOL  :jester: