Franklin's Folly?, Ballad stanza Options

[jgdittier]

Oh ruler of the firmament,
be ye of angel's force?
Or prince of darkness, do you reign
to bring mankind remorse?

Just who's up there to rule the winds
and send the thunderstorm? changed from thunder storm, TY JLY
Do cherubs regulate the rain,
to Godly wish, conform?

Is Satan there with thunderbolts
to hurl like Thor? Or more,
are devil's demons dealing death?
To whom should we implore?

Pre Franklin's time, when lightning struck,
it much preferred the church.
Despite the tolling of her bells...
no steeple's place to perch!

It just may be that lightning rods
appeased those airy powers,
for now the church is shelter-safe
and too, its tall bell towers.

note- As lightning prefers to strike tall buildings in high places and the church
was often the tallest building in the highest place, churches were targets of lightning.

[JLY]

Ron,
Very well done and thought your footnote would be helpful to the readers.

Only one area that I am pondering a change from my perspective....

Just who's up there to rule the winds
and send the thunder storm? thunder storm should be one word....but I have a slightly different take....

casting us thunder's storm? (I don't much like casting, but I feel like someone up their is "sending, imparting, casting, etc. upon us a thunderous storm)

JLY

[jgdittier]

Dear JLY,
I'm sure line 6 can be improved, but in doing so, I can't demean the cadence or the end rhyme.I've changed to "thunderstorm".
Thank you for the read and thoughts.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Maggie]

Hi Ron,

Great poem in my small opinion!!!

Since your working a bit on the following stanza I have a couple suggestions.

Is Satan there with thunderbolts
to hurl like Thor? Or more,
are devil's demons dealing death?
To whom should we implore?


Would it sound smoother to say the following?

Is Satan there with thunderbolts
to hurl them out like Thor?
Are devil's demons dealing death?
To whom should we implore?

I enjoyed your poem very much!!!

Peggy

[jgdittier]

Dear Peggy,
Whenever you read my verse, think of me please as a light verser.
I know the modern light verser is expected to write like a pure poet, but too, I'm happier writing more like the bards. The bards then weren't as restricted as they would be now.
The "Thor or More" was an internal rhyme which I assume was acceptable in those bardly days. My verse constantly fails when modern style is applied to it.
It's a cross I bear, but if it brings a smile, it brings mine too!
I hope you smiled!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hahah , a fun topic Ron!

It has that sing-song feel that you like to tell others and the story is well written too. I'm uncertain on S1L2: be ye of angel's force? Should it be 'be ye' or 'Are ye'?

Is Satan there with thunderbolts
to hurl like Thor? Or more,
are devil's demons dealing death?
To whom should we implore?
I love this stanza - great rhythm and L3 rocks with alliteration!

Pre Franklin's time, when lightning struck,
it much preferred the church.
Despite the tolling of her bells...
no steeple's place to perch!
Suggest:
no steeples should we perch!

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Ron -

What I always enjoy about your work is that there is a light hearted topic, beneath the voice and tone of authority and seriousness. It always floors me come the end of the poem when I truly get it!

I've missed the wonder and excellence of your work - I love the inner rhymes and skillful placement of sounds through out that create an inner effect, often leading to the smile at the end. Some minor cheers and suggestions to follow...

Best Wishes, Liz

Oh ruler of the firmament,
be ye of angel's force?
Or prince of darkness, do you reign
to bring mankind remorse?

I will agree with Lori that L2, sounds natural to the ear (as archaic voice) as 'Are ye of angel's force?'

Just who's up there to rule the winds
and send the thunderstorm?
Do cherubs regulate the rain,
to Godly wish, conform?

Here, L1 feels awkward and it isn't a follow through with the archaic voice already established.
Just who's up there - is quite modern and more slang like, I kept wanting to say ...

Who then, commands the rule of winds
or sends the thunderstorm?
Do cherubs regulate the rains (to match winds in plural and timeless)
to Godly wish, conform?

Is Satan there with thunderbolts
to hurl like Thor? Or more,
are devil's demons dealing death?
To whom should we implore?

I applaud the excellent sounds thorugh this stanza. thor/more/implore ... as well as the strong alliterative design

Pre Franklin's time, when lightning struck,
it much preferred the church.
Despite the tolling of her bells...
no steeple's place to perch!

I love the turn here, like that of a finely tuned volta...The enhancing the importance of the thunderstorms. It, to me is musical. The inner rhymes flow like butter on warm bread and the light humor begins to peek out from behind the curtain ...

It just may be that lightning rods
appeased those airy powers,
for now the church is shelter-safe
and too, its tall bell towers.

Excellent, excellent ending.

Very enjoyable read. Thank you!


Hugs, Liz

PS Thank you for the comments on my earlier post. I apologize for not replying I had been taken ill and was off line for a long while. I will get some revisions soon and thank yous for you and others.

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, Ron,

a few thoughts for you to consider.

Oh ruler of the firmament,
be ye of angel's force?
Or prince of darkness, do you reign
to bring mankind remorse? - maybe 'teach' instead of'bring'?

Just who's up there to rule the winds

this line is awkward and out of place, perhaps 'exactly who rules wanton winds' and 'sends' for send below? I might consider making this S1 to set up the rest.

and send the thunderstorm?
Do cherubs regulate the rain,
to Godly wish, conform?

Is Satan there with thunderbolts
'Ist' to agree with 'be'? Also something other than the weak alliteration of 'there', maybe armed'?

to hurl like Thor? Or more,
are devil's demons dealing death?
To whom should we implore?

Pre Franklin's time, when lightning struck,
it much preferred the church.
Despite the tolling of her bells...
no steeple's place to perch!
this line reads weakly to me, perhaps something like 'safety perch'? Or better still 'stable perch', for the ambiguity and alliteration?

It just may be that lightning rods
'just' always looks like filler when used like this, maybe lose that and qualify 'lightning rods'? Something like 'man's' would do, but any suitable, single-syllable adhective would be ok, I think.

appeased those airy powers,
for now the church is shelter-safe
and too, its tall bell towers.

I did enjoy this. Not exactly in keeping with your intent but I might have added an ironic stanza on how the 'safe harbours' have been abandoned - maybe man needs danger in his life. Yours to use or lose as you choose, of course.
Jim

[jgdittier]

Dear Jim,
My style of writing varies greatly from modern teaching. If nothing else, my verse is by its deviations easily recognized.

line4- I've no particular love for "bring". I'd prefer a word starting with "m" for alliteration.
line5- just WHO'S up THERE to RULE the WINDS
my line must scan -/-/-/-/
I agree the first two stanzas are better interchanged
line9-I like "armed" for "there". There adds little and was used prior.
line16- It needs a rewrite but must conform to -/-/-/
line 18- "just" is a filler. I think the bigger problem, however, is "appeased" is the wrong word. Perhaps it can carry the irony you suggest.

Thanks for the comments.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Guest_bombadil1247_*]

Hi, again, Ron,

"My style of writing varies greatly from modern teaching. If nothing else, my verse is by its deviations easily recognized."

Thanks for the head's up, Ron, will help with critique.

line4- I've no particular love for "bring". I'd prefer a word starting with "m" for alliteration.- how about 'to manage man's remorse'?
line5- just WHO'S up THERE to RULE the WINDS - to my ear that line reads 'JUST WHO's/ UP there/ to RULE/ the WINDS' which is still fine for Iambic tet, though not strict - my problem was with 'just' again, hoped my offer kept strict time and lost the 'slang' feel, but this is your poem.
my line must scan -/-/-/-/
I agree the first two stanzas are better interchanged
line9-I like "armed" for "there". There adds little and was used prior.
line16- It needs a rewrite but must conform to -/-/-/ - no STEEP/le's STAB/le PERCH

line 18- "just" is a filler. I think the bigger problem, however, is "appeased" is the wrong word. Perhaps it can carry the irony you suggest - don't know about the irony, think that would need at least two lines to develop, but if you go for 'man's lightning rod' how about 'disarmed' to keep the 'm' sound going?

Just suggestions, of course, yours to use or lose,
Jim

[Psyche]

Hi Ron!

YES, you did bring a wide smile to my lips, as usual! Thanks for that....LOL... You're a deft light verser, indeed.

I won't make any crits until I see whether you intend to post a revision, since you've had many commentaries & suggestions. I like the idea of using 'armed'.

Is Satan there with thunderbolts
to hurl like Thor? Or more,
are devil's demons dealing death?
To whom should we implore?

There's only one S that upsets me a little, and that's the comparison of Satan's actions with Thor's. Yes, I KNOW it's light verse, Ron!
Thor was venerated by the Nords, almost more than Odin himself. He wielded his hammer against the bad giants, and was supposed to bring many blessings to the people, such as good crops, fertility, etc. There is a wonderful temple at Upsala built for Thor. It's true that he had a violent temper, but my guess is that he used it wisely, when the occasion demanded it. Like the Greek Zeus, or Jupiter for the Romans.
I think people accepted the thunderbolts as a sign of anger from the gods, and tried to mend their ways.
Well, that's my contribution!!! Take or toss! But don't get angry with me for pointing this out...please!!!

Cheers, Syl ***

[jgdittier]

Dear Jim and Syl,
I've many style variances from present modern good practices.
One is I only deviate from repetitious meter in very few cases where I understand or am convinced that the foot substitution adds to the cadence or the message. I read sing-song and so I'd put the beat on "there" rather than "up". I realize I'm an odd-ball here and that "up" makes sense.
Same deal with "just", I even will put a beat on a filler word just to retain the continuity of the beat. I also use fillers and inversions and
other elements of PL much to excess. Critiquing my verse is a challenge.
RE Thor and Satan's demons, my reading of the thrust of the times was that there was great controversary over who and why and how to minimize lightning damage to churches.
I thank you both for your interest and your thoughts and I try to comment on your poetry with the thought too that I must do it using your style. Sorry my style makes it so difficult.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Larry]

Hi Ron,

Loved your poem. Lots of crits from which to choose or lose. I didn't see anything wrong with your current revision but did notice you thought L16 needed a rewrite. If you want to continue waxing archaic, here is my only suggestion:

who bade the storms besmirch?

Churches did seem to be the primary target for lightning and in those times, it had to be the wrath of God or the Devil's work when any arbitrary occurance could not be explained.

I still like the idea of lightning trying to find a place to perch.

Larry