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Hello, Terocon,

Normally I prefer the breaks but for some reason I liked your second version better but with leaving off the first 'still'.


Your poem is short enough to go well either way.

~~ Jackie

Hi Terry,

We have a different understanding of "line breaks," methinks. A line break to me is the end of a line, and you hit "Enter" and begin another line. It looks like you mean the space, allowing white space between verses (or paragraphs).

I'm looking for a good reason for centering, unless you wish to emulate Carlton Cards or somebody. Otherwise, it's usually only done to irritate the reader.

I tried, but don't understand >>a whisper doubles urged<< what that means. Is "doubles" your verb here? Do na get it.

Version 2, no spaces, gets my call.

Merlin

Hi Jackie, (you can call me Terry)

Thanks for your suggestions. I had a few problems with this, in relation to how the read flows, it's almost impossible to gauge from my POV. I read it as I want it to sound and not as it is. Am I making any sense here, lol ???

I'll keep your suggestions to the fore when I revise, thanks again.

Best Wishes

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Hey Merlin,

Long time no see

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, which I know is a rarity so cheers!!!

Line breaks, lol, "white space"...you know what I mean though???

Ummm, centering is my favorite format, I just like it that way, no other reason. Carlton Cards..my hero, LOL, yeah, that too...



Yeah, I suppose that line makes no sense without the enjambment, before and after:

with rasping breath
a whisper doubles urged
intent and still...

To explain, this part of the poem lets the reader use their imagination (I hope), what could she be whispering with her rasping breath that would double both effort and urge...it's up to you !!!

Ok, chat you later Merlin, a pleasure as always

Cheers!

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Hi Terry ...


It gave me a warm and wonderfully lifting smile to read the discussion of line breaks. Looking at your choice examples between line breaks I realized that, you meant 'stanza breaks' ... I like it best with stanza breaks personally. Allows the reader a moments' pause to consider the link between each varying image and how it works together...


Some thoughts below. Hope something helps and is useful ... please discard anything that isn't in line with your intentions and meaning...

Hugs, Liz

One

The title brought to mind the song "One" from U2 and in the back of my thoughts it played through out the read. Not sure if this disrupted the reading or not, but it certainly was a spin into other thoughts for me.

Tender, yet fierce
in love, her touch
would softly grasp
this heart,
with rasping breath
a whisper doubles urged
intent and still...


As Merlin mentions this loses some clarity for me as well. But perhaps it is a matter of reshaping the lines and adding some full end stops on a couple of lines.

An Example:

Her love is tender,
yet fierce. Her touch,
softly grasps
this heart. Rasping breath,
as whispers double
my urging intent ... still

Leaving that 'still' at the stanza end for me, gives it a dual meaning such as still (frozen, not moving or moving on and still lingering ... or continuing further...) The contrast is solid.

still her raging eyes
meet mine,
All Yours, they say


I would omit the still here, as the 'still' ending S2 brings / leads the reader into stanza 3 with still remaiing on :
the fore thoughts... beginning this stanza with 'her raging eyes' emphasizes the duality of still and creates a more intense meaning. I would also suggest a full stop after mine.
L3 of S3 - really doesn't make much sense :pinkpanther

...a lie so true,
the hurt so sweet,
too deep to feel
but one can know
and now it's you
and I.

Hey Liz,

Thanks for taking the time to crit this piece. This is just a note to acknowledge your reply, I'll have to come back to this as I'm not in the right frame of mind to give the attention deserved.

Chat you later.

PS. I had critted your piece 'Life's Writings'...spent ages on it...then a stray finger hit the wrong button while 'select all' and poof gone!!! I only hit 'select all' to copy it so I wouldnt lose it. I'm not a happy bunny, anyway I'll try again when time allows.

Best Wishes

Terry... I think the 'space' ...lol breaks make the poem read better, and agree with Jackie and Liz to get rid of one of the 'Stills' ... don't you just hate it when your writing comes back empty...I have done that so many times....lol. Great piece by the way...
Steve

Hi Terry,

I like the line breaks visually more (since you asked). Let's see what I see below...


Tender, yet fierce (I suggest adding 'ly' to make it 'fiercely')
in love, her touch
would softly grasp (I would delete the word 'would' nad make 'grasp' plural)
this heart, (change to a semi-colon)
with rasping breath
a whisper doubles urged (how about 'magnifies' in place of 'doubles'?)
intent and still... (I think you need to change intent to intentions to go with urged or change urged to 'urging intent')

still her raging eyes
meet mine,
All Yours, they say
Above, I would change All yours to italics and I would add the elipse here, not below in the next line.

...a lie so true, (Again, I would usethe elipse above, not here)
the hurt so sweet, (suggest changing 'the' to 'a')
too deep to feel
but one can know (I feel you need to add a pause here, an emdash perhaps)
and now it's you
and I.
Another option would be to make: and now it's you and I its own ending line.

An interesting poem!
~Cleo

I think this poem has possibilities. You already have a few editing suggestions, so I won`t add to them.I am just not "into" rewriting someone`s work. You are the only one who knows what they want to say. I must add that I also got hung up on the title. I kept hearing "one is the lonliest number you will ever do", in the back of my head. Must be that kind of day. Keep writing!

Hi Terry,
This is lovely. I prefer the second.. without the stanza breaks. I think you could lose the second 'still' too.
Enjoyed.
Sue