Break of Day

The sky lightens to pale
birds chirp their morning voice
that calls to one and all

They tell of days to come
where life is free and wild
they tell everyone who listens

that life goes on forever
even when they are gone
and their bones have turned to dust

the lillies will still bloom and
blood will still flow in
old men's veins

his children will remember
the good and bad of all days
and then sing songs
to their children in the spring

Judith Anne Labriola

Hi judy, I am new at this but your poem reminds me
many reasons, but heal and let go
hope fully I learne form everyone in here

Hi There, and welcome. I appreciate you visiting my poem! Judi

Hi Judi,

I read this one as a feel-good piece, when the sun rises and we are blessed to live another day. I noticed you did not use any endstops, was that by design? I did get confused on some parts and will comment below. As always, take or toss as you wish.

Cheers
~Cleo



Break of Day

The sky lightens to pale
birds chirp their morning voice
that calls to one and all *Add endstop
I wonder Judi - would you be open to personifying the sun and birds instead of just naming them as you've done in the opening stanza? Something to make the reader curious without giving these away so easily? Since we know birds chirp, could they be 'servants' or the 'choir' chirping in the moring air to the master? If choir idea, then they could 'sing out' to one and all.

They tell of days to come *Who tells? Can you add more characterization to this stanza?
where life is free and wild *incorporate a pause device here
they tell everyone who listens *Not certain this line adds to your message since the next line answers the question?
Do they tell, or might they hint at days yet to come?

that life goes on forever
even when they are gone
and their bones have turned to dust *Add endstop
Again, I'm confused on who 'they' are? Is it that their lives go on or that the 'sun/master' goes on?

the lillies will still bloom and
blood will still flow in *suggest moving 'in' down
old men's veins *Add endstop

his children will remember
the good and bad of all days
and then sing songs
to their children in the spring *Add endstop
I'm at a loss, what signiicance does the spring play - can you make it all seasons? Looking forward to your return, Judi.

Hi Lori...

This is just a FV poem that is meant just to let people figure out what it means, and I used no periods. I don't want to spend a lot of time on this as I am just dabbling in the type of poetry that is more obscure..

I am taking a break, due to the illness of my daughter who just got out of intensive care..she has begun having seizures for the first time in her life, and they are trying to find out why.

Take care, and thanks for everything, Judi

Oh Judi,

I wish your daughter better, healthier days ahead. I'll be thinking of you and her.

I've never been too good with understanding fv, but my interp was one of more than a cycle of life, but an unending universe, like the sum of its parts is not greater than the whole. While each is independent, they still need one another to go on, be remembered.

You take care,
~Lori

Hi Judi,

I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter. My thoughts go out to you both, I hope everything turns out well.

PLease do return to this as it is a good piece. You have more important things to take care of at moment, but dont be a stranger and let us know how things are going.

Talk to you soon.

Best Wishes

.

Hi Judi,

First let me ask "How is your daughter?" And what have the doctors found to this point? ... I am praying it is nothing serious, yet, seizures in themselves are terrible. Keeping my fingers crossed and heart in a conversation with God.


The above quote makes me hesitant on putting in the time for an indepth critique just now. So I felt perhaps I should ask you if you would like the indepth feedback and when you can return to considering it it will be there or perhaps, light critique is more what you are asking? ... Or perhaps this wasn't up for critique but rather commentary on the interpretation?

Please let me know so I and others can offer you the feedback you are looking for!

Hugs and good thoughts for you and your family, Liz

Judi,

I, too, lift you & your daughter in the confines of sweet prayer that God hears.

I wanted you to know that your poem gives a peaceful feeling. Your avatar seems to go with the poem ~ a perfect match. I will return to possibly tell a few thoughts about your creation.

Jan

I do hope all is well with your family.

I would not critique a poem that has obviously come from a very special place in her heart. Much love!!

I want to thank everyone who replied to this poem, and to say that Linda was diagnosed as having Parkinson's disease. They are not certain if it is a result of her taking psychotropic medications for a long period of time, or if it is a true case of Parkinson's. Her grandfather died with Parkinsons quite a few years ago, so it is a tossup. We take each day as it comes and she knows she must be as careful as she can be. I will sneak in when I have time...I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. (((((hugs to all))))) Judi