Terry..I think the Ebb and Still is a good title, some very nice lines here, I am a bit confused by the line "he calls it...never again" is he calling the place by name? never again or is he saying I called but now never again ? I think you need to make more of a distintion there maybe use italics on the never again. just MHO Good read good write
Steve

Hi Steve,

Cheers for taking the time to read and reply.

Yeah that line does leave a good bit up to the reader. This guy (imaginary) has lost hope, things aren't going his way (which happens) and after some bad experience(s) he's said 'never again' (fill in the blanks).

I was going for a kind of symmetry between that line and the last line (L4 & L16 have same structure)...meaning...after all that pain, life was still worth living for the good times. Theres good and bad (ebb) and at the end he was missed by a loved one (still), who he shared some great (warm/loving/worthwhile) times.

Shine and shade/good and bad
still/death(so when he was at the waters his thoughts were indeed dark, never again could be read as suicide but I hesitate to suggest that as my sole meaning. He could be saying...No more woman or no more alcohol or no more gambling or no more spicy food, LOL...whatever.

I hesitate to change that line BUT of course, I'll consider my options.

Cheers for pointing out the problem area and I'll be mulling and moaning over a revision when I get a day off work, it might take while
And thank-you for the encouragement.

Best Wishes

.

Hi Terry...
This is hauntingly beautiful... and thoroughly relateable.
My suggestions would be for a bit of trimming... of modifiers especially and maybe shorter lines.
The title is lovely and appropriate.
() for words to omit
Bold for additions

The ebb and the still

In (soft) fading light,
one autumn's evening
he stands beside
the (by the still ) water's edge.
(Before him,) and follows (are just) tracks of footsteps,
beyond now,
to a place he calls (it)...
never again.

One(On a) (warm) spring morn
beneath (with) a blue-blue sky
they walk into (a dazzling) day's gleam,
together in shine and (together in) shade
where nothing comes between them.

One glistening (white-glistened) day,
in winter's chill
her tears freeze on the ice.
A remembered time echoes there,
and in its warmth...
the worth of pain.

hope I've offered something helpful.
It's a beauty.
Sue

Thanks Sue,

Agreeing with you on some of the trimming. Will do some, but meaning lost with bits of your nits although maybe thats just me being a mite stubborn. Thanks for taking t he time and for your too-kind words.

.

Terry.. I must agree with most of what Sue said about the piece, it clears up some of the confusion in the first stanza and tightens up the rest of the piece without losing anything IMO...but again it is your piece and this is just my opinion...lol. still a good piece of writing.
Steve

Hey Sue and Steve,

Ok, so maybe it's a bit too wordy. I will revise in the next few days. Thanks for swaying me on this... I see what you mean, it just takes time to sink-in with me sometimes.

Chat you later!!!

.

Hi Terry,

what a lovely poem! One Q for you: Do you want to keep the stanzas as structured now, 4 lines each? I ask because in some fv poems I read, they are usually not structured quite so formally in this way. I'll offer some snips and as always, please take or toss my suggestions below as you wish.

Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete} (comment)


In {soft} fading light,
one autumn's evening (suggest changing to eve)
he stands {by the} [beside] still water's edge.
Before him [,]{are} just footsteps,
beyond now, a place; (moved these down)
he calls it ...never again.
Interesting opening, I want to read more to learn of this place and of him.

{On a} [One] warm spring morn
{with} [beneath] a blue-blue sky (moved down)
they walk in a dazzling gleam, (suggest a colon or semi-colon here)
together in shine, together in shade
nothing comes between.
Lovely!

One white-glistened day,
in winter's chill her tears (moved the words slightly here)
freeze on {the} ice.
A remembered time echoes there, (or Echoes of time remembered there)
in its warmt...the worth of pain. (do you mean warmth?)
Here, I suggest a substitute for the word worth to make it more passionate, perhaps 'sacrifice of pain'?

You've given us a glimpse of three seasons, do you think you'd add one more for summer?

In {soft} fading light, Ok, due to popular demand, trimmers employed!!!!
one autumn's evening (suggest changing to eve) Really. eve, I've wanted to use that in place of evening so many times..but I think of 'eve' in terms of 'day before' and not an abbv. of evening???????he stands {by the} [beside] still water's edge.
Before him [,]{are} just footsteps,
beyond now, a place; (moved these down)
he calls it ...never again.
Interesting opening, I want to read more to learn of this place and of him.

{On a} [One] warm spring morn Too many 'one's' or not enough??? Not sure!!!...Considering.
{with} [beneath] a blue-blue sky (moved down)
they walk in a dazzling gleam, (suggest a colon or semi-colon here) I need to read-up on my punctuation.
together in shine, together in shade
nothing comes between.
Lovely! I wont disagree

One white-glistened day,
in winter's chill her tears (moved the words slightly here)
freeze on {the} ice.
A remembered time echoes there, (or Echoes of time remembered there) Not sure of the enjambment wit your suggestion here??.
in its warmth...the worth of pain. (do you mean warmth?) Yes, thanks.
Here, I suggest a substitute for the word worth to make it more passionate, perhaps 'sacrifice of pain'? Yup! 'Worth' is totally wrong, I like where your going with alternative proposals.

You've given us a glimpse of three seasons, do you think you'd add one more for summer?


Hi Cleo,

First of all, very sharp of you to pick up on the seasonal aspect. As for the reason for the omitting of summer, actually it is there (kinda), it was the reason the character was lamenting in the first place; 'fading light', he believed that his 'summer' was behind him...little did he know eh??? We cant judge our future on our past(debatable???).

Do I want to keep the structure ??? Not particularly, depends on what your proposing I guess As for what the norms of structure are, or what is expected in this form/forum...no comment!!!
... Kidding, but I do take the term 'free-verse' quite literally...even though it may not look like it. I am open to suggestions on format and structure and everything, I'd be a fool not to when dealing with the residents of 'The Mosaic'...

I've actually tried to revise this one on many occasions, but cant quite get it right.
I'll usually post some fairly raw/rough stuff but not making any headway here this time...apologies to all concerned...revision soon...and with EVERYONES suggestions to the fore of my mind.

Gonna give it another go, thanks for reminding me of this one. I hadn't surrendered really, not consciencely anyway!!!


Chat you soon...

Best Wishes

.

Hi Terry,

Perhaps a starting point on the format of your words here might be to make a few versions, same words mind you (or different ones), cut the lines at different points, especially where you want the reader to pause - and let that last word of each line linger. Assonance and alliteration, inner rhymes are also tools to employ should you wish with one of your versions as you play with this one. Then, once you have the versions typed on the screen/page, visually take a look and see what you've got there. Does one stand out more than another, and why?

Yes, summer, the solstice is almost here! I caught it vaguely on first read with fading light.

Be back again soon!
~Cleo

To whom it may concern...

I gave it a shot.

C&C..if you please...!!!

.

Ahhhhh Terry!

Much improved visually and rhythmically!

I WILL be back in a few days for further thoughts and a new crit for you (I'm on vacation now and need to log off the pc for the night).

Take care - I look forward to my return read of this poem.

~Cleo

Hey Cleo,

Hope your having a good time on your break...

Glad you found the revision an improvement...

I look forward to your return.

Chat you later...

Best wishes.

.