Autumn Ball, revision Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Revision thanks to Nina, Snow and Ren.

Elegant elves came through tall grass
to the meadow glade where gnomes were setting up
a mushroom fairy ring.
Leprechauns had tapped a keg;
they were getting into fine form.

Dancing had started…
the elf prince and fairie princess,
met on the ballroom floor,
his dramitic florish to her flurished curtsey
began thier waltz
as the unicorn conductor kept time.

Every creature danced
beneath trees, glittering in the moonlight;
imbibing music and laughter
of this wonderful Autumn ball.




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original

Through the tall grass came the elegant elves,
on to the meadow glade.
Where the mushroom fairy ring
was being set up by the gnomes.
The leprechauns had tapped a keg
they were getting into fine form.
Dancing had just started
when the prince of elves and princess of fairies,
met on the ballroom floor.
They bowed to each other
then danced a waltz to the orchestra
the unicorn conductor kept the time.
Trees all a glitter while every creature danced and drank,
the music and the laughter in the moonlight
made for a wonderful Autumn ball.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Steve,

Please see the coming PM. Thank you.

Amethyst

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Steve.

Opening tile now that requested replies have been posted.

Please see my PM to you for a special request.

~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Steve

A lovely gentle look at Autumn and the creatures of the forest celebrating its arrival, very magical. I’m usually much more pessimistic, just seeing the onset of colder more miserable weather.

A few suggestions to tighten this. As always, take or leave as you wish.

Nina

[add] {delete} comment


Through the tall grass came the elegant elves, ….personally, I’m not very keen on inversion and would suggest “elegant elves came through tall grass”
{on} to the meadow glade{.}
{W}[w]here the mushroom fairy ring
was being set up by the gnomes. ..perhaps “where gnomes were setting up a mushroom fairy ring.”
{The} leprechauns had tapped a keg[;]
they were getting into fine form. …line break
Dancing had {just} started[…]
{when} the prince of elves and princess of fairies,
met on the ballroom floor{.}[,]
{They} bowed to each other
then {danced a} waltz[ed] {to the orchestra} ..I think having a conductor keeping time implies an orchestra anyway.
[as]the unicorn conductor kept {the} time.
Trees all a glitter while every creature danced and drank
the music and the laughter in the moonlight
made for a wonderful Autumn ball. …perhaps:

Every creature danced,
beneath trees, glittering in the moonlight;
imbibing music and laughter
of this wonderful Autumn ball.


Thus without all the twiddly bits:

Elegant elves came through tall grass
to the meadow glade
where gnomes were setting up
a mushroom fairy ring.
Leprechauns had tapped a keg;
they were getting into fine form.

Dancing had started…
the prince of elves and princess of fairies,
met on the ballroom floor,
bowed to each other
then waltzed
as the unicorn conductor kept time.

Every creature danced
beneath trees, glittering in the moonlight;
imbibing music and laughter
of this wonderful Autumn ball.

[Eisa]

Hi Steve

What a wonderful look at autumn -- it brought a smile to my face and made me feel less sad that summer is over.

A few thoughts --

I feel you have used 'the' a number of times and most could be cut out with a little trimming back.


Through [the] tall grass came [the] elegant elves,
on to the meadow glade[.],
[W]where [the] a mushroom fairy ring
was being set up by [the] gnomes.
The leprechauns had tapped a keg,
[they were]and getting into fine form.
Dancing had just started
when the elf prince [of elves] and fairy princess [of fairies],
met on the ballroom floor.
They bowed to each other
then danced a waltz [to the orchestra]
as the unicorn conductor kept [the] time.
Trees [all a] glittered while every creature danced and drank,
[the] Music and [the] laughter in the moonlight
made for a wonderful Autumn ball.

Which would read something like this


Through tall grass came elegant elves,
on to the meadow glade,
where a mushroom fairy ring
was being set up by gnomes.
The leprechauns had tapped a keg,
getting into fine form.
Dancing had just started
when the Elf Prince and Fairy Princess,
met on the ballroom floor.
They bowed to each other
then danced a waltz
as the unicorn conductor kept the time.
Trees glittered while every creature danced and drank.
Music and laughter in the moonlight
made for a wonderful Autumn ball.


Great read

Snow

[duetsdove]

Steve I love this. . .and, though this is only the second work of yours I've read. . .no, wait, the third. . .I enjoy the way your mind works through your poetry.

Through the tall grass came the elegant elves,
on to the meadow glade.
Where the mushroom fairy ring
was being set up by the gnomes.

This is somewhat wordy. . .I don't really have an aversion to the inversion. . .I could see meadow glade used a bit futher down.

Through tall grass came the elegant elves
to where the mushroom fairy ring
was being lit by gnomes.

The leprechauns had tapped a keg
they were getting into fine form.
Dancing had just started
when the prince of elves and princess of fairies,
met on the ballroom floor.

The leprechauns had a tapped a keg. . .oh my. . .you gotta love that image. . .a keg of Guiness perhaps? lolol

The leprechauns had tapped a keg
while the Elven Prince moved to meet
the Fary Princess on the meadowed glade.

imo, if they've tapped a keg. . .it stands to reason that they would be getting into fine form.

They bowed to each other
then danced a waltz to the orchestra
the unicorn conductor kept the time.
Trees all a glitter while every creature danced and drank,
the music and the laughter in the moonlight
made for a wonderful Autumn ball.

It would seem to me. . .that a Fairy Princess (jmho but I would prefer the spelling Fairie in this work) would not bow. . .but would rather curtsy. . .quite low. . .with wings drawn back.

His dramatic bow to her flourished cursty,
began their waltz,
the unicorn conductor marking their pace

beneath the glittering trees
that reflected an Autumn moon.

Just thoughts, Steve. . .to take or toss. . .or tickle the muse. *smile*

~Ren~

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

thanks to Nina, Snow and ren for the great comment and wonderful critiques that should now be found in the revision of this piece.
Steve

[azurepoetry]

Hello Steve,

i like this rewrite a lot. My personal opinion, i like the inversion when dealing with lighter (esp. fantasy-based) prosody.
Just my opinion, but keep the poem as is except invert back the opening line like so:

Through tall grass came the elegant elves,
into a meadow glade.
Where gnomes were setting up...

As i said, this is merely a matter of preference. Otherwise, the ending is very tight and brought a smile to my lips as well, although i like both summer and autumn (in case you needed to know).

Well done. On with the dance...

~tim/azurepoetry

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Steve...

I would have to agree with Tim on all points...

and isn't it wonderful to discover that he's not as tight-ended as your poem?!

deLighting in the interchange between y'all, Daniel

[azurepoetry]

Hey, Steve...

I would have to agree with Tim on all points...

and isn't it wonderful to discover that he's not as tight-ended as your poem?!

deLighting in the interchange between y'all, Daniel

Ahem! That's enough of that young man!

~tim