Reaching Through, was (Weak) Options

[Siren]

Complete Rewrite and another title change

Reaching Through

A filmy barrier
expands within my core,
its fingers lacing together,
enfolding a melange of emotions.

Immobilized by exhaustion,
I ghost through daily routines
as empty smiles tease numb lips,
and my body recoils
from undesired hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!

Vibrant tunes don't filter
through the thickening mist,
and laughter turns
into a monotonous drum.

I struggle to pave a way
through this clouded partition.
Paralyzed, my attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.

I can't breathe... live... react!






Revision 2, plus title change

Battling Depression

A filmy barrier enfolds a kaleidoscope of emotions,
its cool fingers lacing,
growing roots within my core.

Once roaring currents are now still,,
drained, immobilized by exhaustion.  
I ghost through daily routines
as empty smiles tease numb lips,
and my body shudders
from undesired hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings
as laughter licks at rising inner walls,
turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

Reaching out through solitude's devouring quicksand,
I force diluted knuckles to knock heavily
at passions' gate;
Paralyzed, my attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.


I can't breathe... live... react!




Revision
A filmy barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions,
its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots within the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents are now still,
immobilized by exhaustion. Drained,
I ghost through daily routines
as empty smiles tease numb lips,
and body shakes from undesired hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!
my conscience screams.

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

Reaching out through solitude's devouring quicksand,
I force weak knuckles to knock frantically
at embosomed passions;
Paralyzed, my desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.

Weak with despair, I silently chant :
I can't breathe... live... react!


Original
A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions.
Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots within the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents now lie still,
immobilized by exhaustion. Drained,
I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles
tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!
screams my conscience.

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings,
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

I reach out through the devouring quicksand
of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock
upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,

I silently chant,
I can't breathe... live... react!

[Athena]

Oh Myyyy Daniah,

My heart cries for you ... or if you're not the who this poem is about, then for the one who is.  Dani, you put words together in such a way that reaches out and touches the senses of the reader, who in turn, cannot help but become emotionally involved, if just for a little while, with the magic of your poetry.    

I only have a couple suggestions as this is so perfect!

A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions.
Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots within the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents now lie still,
immobilized by exhaustion. Drained,
I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles
tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.

What about moving "drained" to the next line?  You may wind up making this stanza 5 lines.  Using "ghost" as verb here is very visual! Nice!  The comma in last line unnecessary.

I must breathe... live... react!
screams my conscience.

So graphic!  I feel these words through and through!

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings,
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

Not sure I understand this one ...?  Which "both" does the line refer to?

I reach out through the devouring quicksand
of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock
upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,

Wowwww marvelous stanza!  I believe "lie" should be "lays".  

I silently chant,
I can't breathe... live... react!

Wonderful imagery throughout, leaving me weak, too .... but, inspired; thank you.

Blessings,

Dolly      

[Guest__*]

Dear Dani

Well, well, as always, this is very good. I have a few offerings :


A misty barrier folds around a* kalEI*doscope of emotions,* comma not dot
its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots *in the core of my humanity. -- or "within my humanitiy's core" ?

Once roaring currents are* now *still,
immobilized by exhaustion.
*Drained, I ghost through daily routines *
as empty smiles tease numb lips;*
the body shakes from unwanted hugs. -- rearrange the lines ? undesired is stronger ?

I must breathe... live... react!
screams my conscience. -- my conscience screams ?

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings* no comma
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum *on contact. -- drumming ?

I reach out through the devouring quicksand
of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock
upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,

I silently chant,
I can't breathe... live... react!


2nd-last verse - I feel needs tightening up :

Through solitude's devouring quicksand
I force weak knuckles to knock frantically
at* embosomed passions.
Paralyzed, my desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.

Weak with despair, I silently chant :
I can't breathe... live... react!


Without edit marks :

A misty barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions,
its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots in the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents are now still,
immobilized by exhaustion.
Drained, I ghost through daily routines
as empty smiles tease numb lips;
the body shakes from undesired hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!
my conscience screams.

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings no comma
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drumming on contact.

Through solitude's devouring quicksand
I force weak knuckles to knock frantically
at embosomed passions;
Paralyzed, my desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.

Weak with despair, I silently chant :
I can't breathe... live... react!


Hope this helps !

Love
Alan

[Siren]

Oh Myyyy Daniah,

My heart cries for you ... or if you're not the who this poem is about, then for the one who is.  Dani, you put words together in such a way that reaches out and touches the senses of the reader, who in turn, cannot help but become emotionally involved, if just for a little while, with the magic of your poetry.    

I only have a couple suggestions as this is so perfect!

A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions.
Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots within the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents now lie still,
immobilized by exhaustion. Drained,
I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles
tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.

What about moving "drained" to the next line?  You may wind up making this stanza 5 lines.  Using "ghost" as verb here is very visual! Nice!  The comma in last line unnecessary.

I must breathe... live... react!
screams my conscience.

So graphic!  I feel these words through and through!

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings,
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

Not sure I understand this one ...?  Which "both" does the line refer to?

I reach out through the devouring quicksand
of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock
upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,

Wowwww marvelous stanza!  I believe "lie" should be "lays".  

I silently chant,
I can't breathe... live... react!

Wonderful imagery throughout, leaving me weak, too .... but, inspired; thank you.

Blessings,

Dolly      

Dear Dolly,

I appreciate your sentiments and concern... These haven't been good days for me. (which is apparent in the poem) :)

Thank you sooo much for the feedback and I do hope you check out the revisions...

As for your thoughts on the placement of "Drained" I kept in it's original place because I wanted a longer pause than what I would have had if I put it with it's respective sentence. (did I make any sense?)

Glad you liked the use of "ghost" here... It felt right... :)


The vibrant tunes (music) and the laughter are the intended "both" ....


Thank you so much for the taking the time on this... and your valued praise

Blessings
Daniah

[Siren]

Dear Dani

Well, well, as always, this is very good. I have a few offerings :


A misty barrier folds around a* kalEI*doscope of emotions,* comma not dot
its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots *in the core of my humanity. -- or "within my humanitiy's core" ?

Once roaring currents are* now *still,
immobilized by exhaustion.
*Drained, I ghost through daily routines *
as empty smiles tease numb lips;*
the body shakes from unwanted hugs. -- rearrange the lines ? undesired is stronger ?

I must breathe... live... react!
screams my conscience. -- my conscience screams ?

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings* no comma
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum *on contact. -- drumming ?

I reach out through the devouring quicksand
of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock
upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,

I silently chant,
I can't breathe... live... react!


2nd-last verse - I feel needs tightening up :

Through solitude's devouring quicksand
I force weak knuckles to knock frantically
at* embosomed passions.
Paralyzed, my desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.

Weak with despair, I silently chant :
I can't breathe... live... react!


Without edit marks :

A misty barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions,
its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots in the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents are now still,
immobilized by exhaustion.
Drained, I ghost through daily routines
as empty smiles tease numb lips;
the body shakes from undesired hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!
my conscience screams.

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings no comma
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drumming on contact.

Through solitude's devouring quicksand
I force weak knuckles to knock frantically
at embosomed passions;
Paralyzed, my desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.

Weak with despair, I silently chant :
I can't breathe... live... react!


Hope this helps !

Love
Alan

Dear Alan,


Your suggestions clicked with me... Thank you so much... there are a few I didn't use, because they just didn't feel right to my ear and image... but I will keep turning them over in my mind... :)

I do hope you check the revision and tell me what you think...


Ever grateful

Daniah

[Guest__*]

Dear Dani,

I'm pleased to hear that even one of my ideas clicked with you, so no need to apol for not using them all !

I came to the revision after reading your previous reply, and had an inkling that you had heard me, then of course I come to your post to me.

I like it a lot, and I commend you for being willing to write out the pains as well as at other times the pleasures.

Any upset fully confronted, and truth-extracted, makes one feel better.

Another way of saying that (which I do sometimes) is that I don't care if I'm 6 foot under, as long as I know that, then I can work out what to do next.

Glad to have you back in I hope full production !

Love
Alan

[Siren]

Dear Alan,

I'm so glad you dropped back in... Thanks for the support and help... I did hear you... :)


You said:

"Any upset fully confronted, and truth-extracted, makes one feel better."

How true... and wise... :)

It's always refreshing to see in my threads Alan. :D

Dani

[Arnfinn]

Hi Dani,


Read the poem and what can I feel. I sense, this is venting of the spleen, for some reason love has waned. "Once roaring currents are now still," Trying very hard to come to terms with lost desires, then trying desperatly to revive the spark, but the flame dies.  I can't breathe... live... react!

The pure rawness and clarity in your poems is magical.


Arnie  :troy:

[Aphrodite]

Revised


Revision
A filmy barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions,
its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots within the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents are now still,
immobilized by exhaustion. Drained,
I ghost through daily routines
as empty smiles tease numb lips,
and body shakes from undesired hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!
my conscience screams.

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

Reaching out through solitude's devouring quicksand,
I force weak knuckles to knock frantically
at embosomed passions;
Paralyzed, my desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.

Weak with despair, I silently chant :
I can't breathe... live... react!


Original
A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions.
Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots within the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents now lie still,
immobilized by exhaustion. Drained,
I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles
tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!
screams my conscience.

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings,
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

I reach out through the devouring quicksand
of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock
upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,

I silently chant,
I can't breathe... live... react!

Hi Daniah~

Wow, what an impassioned piece pouring with such raw emotion!

Very powerful and evocative, a poem I could really "feel."

May this note find you "breathing" hopeful and joyous air.  

Wonderful writing, Dani! :pharoah2

Blessings~
Lindi

[Guest_codger_*]

I am not qualified to offer critique---but I did think this was a powerful piece of poetry, with a strong delivery.

Gerry

[Guest__*]

Dear Gerry

"I am not qualified to offer critique---but I did think this was a powerful piece of poetry, with a strong delivery. Gerry "

That looks like a pretty damn good critique to me, Gerry ! Wish the ones I get were as straightforward as that

Love
Alan

[Guest_blondie_*]

Dear Daniah,

I have visited and re-visited your poem, reading it several times.  Your descriptive words have captured such a strong and gripping image of someone who is facing life again after losing a loved one.  

Your description, line structure, and emotion contained in this poem is incredible.  

May each coming day be brighter for you!

~Amy~

[Siren]

"Hi Dani,


Read the poem and what can I feel. I sense, this is venting of the spleen, for some reason love has waned. "Once roaring currents are now still," Trying very hard to come to terms with lost desires, then trying desperatly to revive the spark, but the flame dies.  I can't breathe... live... react!

The pure rawness and clarity in your poems is magical. "


Arnie,

Your praise does wonders to my heart... I'm deeply touched by it.

Thank you for dropping in.

Daniah

[Siren]

Revised


Revision
A filmy barrier folds around a kaleidoscope of emotions,
its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots within the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents are now still,
immobilized by exhaustion. Drained,
I ghost through daily routines
as empty smiles tease numb lips,
and body shakes from undesired hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!
my conscience screams.

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

Reaching out through solitude's devouring quicksand,
I force weak knuckles to knock frantically
at embosomed passions;
Paralyzed, my desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet.

Weak with despair, I silently chant :
I can't breathe... live... react!


Original
A misty barrier folds around kaliedoscope of emotions.
Its cool fingers lacing through the warmth,
growing roots within the core of my humanity.

Once roaring currents now lie still,
immobilized by exhaustion. Drained,
I ghost through daily routines as empty smiles
tease numb lips, and body shakes from unwanted hugs.

I must breathe... live... react!
screams my conscience.

Vibrant tunes filter through my surroundings,
and laughter licks at rising inner walls,
both turning into a monotonous drum upon contact.

I reach out through the devouring quicksand
of solitude, force weak knuckles to frantically knock
upon embosomed passions. Paralyzed, desperate attempts
lie in failed heaps at my feet. Weak with despair,

I silently chant,
I can't breathe... live... react!

Hi Daniah~

Wow, what an impassioned piece pouring with such raw emotion!

Very powerful and evocative, a poem I could really "feel."

May this note find you "breathing" hopeful and joyous air.  

Wonderful writing, Dani! :pharoah2

Blessings~
Lindi

Lindi,


Your words are awesome sweetie! Thank you so so much!

I am breathing thankfully...


Hugs to you and the kids

Daniah

[Orion]

Hello, Daniah,

It's nice to be sipping a Saturday AM cup of coffee and reading you.
Your airy style with allowance of emotional images to float throughout the poem is amazing, no matter what your theme.
I don't like to dive into the personal ones with what I think needs to be changed so I can't offer critique on this one, dear. I can say I enjoyed it though. May the dark clouds soon pass.

Jan

[Siren]

I am not qualified to offer critique---but I did think this was a powerful piece of poetry, with a strong delivery.

Gerry

Gerry,


I'm sorry for not getting to you sooner... I'm so honored you liked this... and your words are critique on their own... The knowledge that my words have touched you is a bonus.

thank you...
Dani

[Siren]

Dear Gerry

"I am not qualified to offer critique---but I did think this was a powerful piece of poetry, with a strong delivery. Gerry "

That looks like a pretty damn good critique to me, Gerry ! Wish the ones I get were as straightforward as that

Love
Alan

Well Said Alan...


:) Dani

[Siren]

Dear Daniah,

I have visited and re-visited your poem, reading it several times.  Your descriptive words have captured such a strong and gripping image of someone who is facing life again after losing a loved one.  

Your description, line structure, and emotion contained in this poem is incredible.  

May each coming day be brighter for you!

~Amy~

Dear Amy,

Thank you so much for the sweet words... I'm glad you liked this so much...


Daniah :)

[Siren]

*bump*

[Charon]

Siren,

Just got to this - mixed emotions generated - I wonder how we can enjoy a piece written with such wanting.  You have done an outstanding job, someday I will be able to write like this, only I hope with happier subjects.

Your piece reminds me of one of my favorite groups biggest song, the Moody Blues piece from Knights in White Satin:

Breathe deep in the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bedsitter people look back and lament
Another day's useless energy's spent
Impassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
New mother picks up and suckles her son
Senior citizens wish they were young
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our sight
Red is grey and yellow white
And we decide which is right
And which is an illusion?

Deepest,
Butch