FUNERAL ON A RAINY DAY, IN NEED OF REVISION Options

[Cybele]

I have never been truly happy with this piece. It seems a little too mawkish to me, and altough it contains language I feel appropriate, I have never been in a situation where I had to deal with a child's grief at the death of a pet. I especially dislike L4 in Stanza 1, although there are many other parts which could do with your help and input.  

REVISION

Katy, features set in solemn face,
leads our small procession at sombre pace
to a secret spot she knows.
Responsible beyond her tender years,
protective of the cardboard box she bears
bound all around with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

Katy, with stifled sobs and glistening eyes.
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
and lights upon the willow;
opens his beak, drops a single leaf,
as if to share her agonizing grief-
into  scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled,
completes the journey with growing dread,
stops at her hallowed place.
On sodden earth, on genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for favour and for grace
for Flopsy.

Through the branches of the willow’s crown
a sudden burst of light now filters down,
illuminating three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desists.
and this new resting place is gently kissed
and dappled by sweet  sunrays    
-for Flopsy.  
                           
…and Katy smiles again.


ORIGINAL


Katy, features set in solemn face,
leads our small procession at slow pace
to a secret spot she knows.
Wise and knowing beyond her tender years,
protective of the cardboard box she bears
bound all around with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

Katy, with silent prayer and glistening eyes.
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
and lights upon the willow;
opens his beak and drops a single  leaf,
as if to share her agonizing grief-
into the scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled
completes the journey,and with growing dread
stops at this hallowed place.
On sodden earth, on genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for Favour and for Grace
for Flopsy.

Then through the branches of the willow’s crown
a sudden burst of light now filters down,
caressing three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desist
and this new resting place is gently kissed
and  dappled by  sweet  sunrays    
-for Flopsy.  
                           
…and Katy smiles again.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Grace,

This paints a very lovely picture of the little lass saying farewell to her treasured pet. A very warm, caring feel from this.

You say you are not sure about it yet. It is a difficult poem to crit, too; the balance between sentiment and description is such a matter of personal taste.

Being horribly practical I've made suggestions that may remove far to much emotional impact. As always - YOUR poem, so please feel free to bury (erm) any ideas that miss.

I may also have mucked up the form with some of these

Katy, features set in solemn face,  --- love the first line especially
leads {our} small procession at slow pace
to a secret spot she knows.  --- can just imagine
Wise and knowing beyond her tender years,  --- responsible beyond her ... ?
protective of the cardboard box she bears
bound {all around} with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

Katy, with silent prayer and glistening eyes.  --- kids don't do silent (at least, mine don't) - whispered prayer ?
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
and lights upon the willow;
opens his beak and drops a single  leaf, --- extra space before leaf
as if to share her agonizing grief-  --- wonderful
into the scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled  --- coma line end?
completes the journey,{and} with growing dread --- space missing after coma (coma not required?)
stops at this hallowed place.  --- at HER hallowed place?
On sodden earth, on genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for Favour and for Grace
for Flopsy.

--- oh dear ... I know it's my brain ( oops, no - thats a Brian, isn't it? ) but now I see the three as Katy, yourself (Grace) and someone else called Favour ... (well, my step mum had relatives in antiquity called Tryall and Hindrance). I know the three are supposed to be Katy, the narator and Flopsy.

Then through the branches of the willow’s crown --- coma after THEN and line end
a sudden burst of light now filters down, --- glistens or shimmers down?
caressing three small nosegays. --- not quiety sure about 'carressing' but can't think of an alternative to suggest
Then blissful silence as the rains desist --- wonderful allit in this line - fantastic
and this new resting place is gently kissed  --- aw - lovely!
and  dappled by  sweet  sunrays --- extra spaces have crept in here  
-for Flopsy.  
                           
…and Katy smiles again.


It's a lovely warm feeling this poem engenders, Grace.

Hugs,

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

I have never had to deal with a child's grief at the death of her pet either but as children all react differently depending on their personality and how close they were to that pet , I don't think you need worry.
I think it is a gentle, warm look at helping a child deal with death and saying goodbye

I have a few suggestions which will probably muck up the meter and form and probably a whole lot more, but take what you like and leave the rest, it is your poem.

[add] {delete} (comment)

Katy, features set in solemn face,
leads our small procession at {slow}[somber] pace
to a secret spot she knows.
{Wise and knowing}[Mature] beyond her tender years,
protective of the {cardboard} box she bears  (..for meter perhaps?)
bound {all around} with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

Katy, with {silent}[home-made] prayer and glistening eyes.
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
and lights upon the willow;
opens {his} beak[,] {and} drops a single  leaf,
as if to share her agonizing grief-
into {the} scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled
completes the journey{,}and with growing dread
stops at this hallowed place.
On sodden earth, {on} genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for Favour and for Grace
for Flopsy.

{Then} {t}[T]hrough the branches of {the} willow’s crown
a sudden burst of light {now} filters down,
caressing three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desist[,]
{and} this new resting place is gently kissed
and  dappled by  sweet  sunrays    
-for Flopsy.  
                           
…{and} Katy smiles again.


Katy, features set in solemn face,
leads our small procession at somber pace
to a secret spot she knows.
Mature beyond her tender years,
protective of the  box she bears
bound with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

Katy, with home-made prayer and glistening eyes.
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
and lights upon the willow;
opens beak, drops a single leaf,
as if to share her agonizing grief-
into scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled
completes the journey and with growing dread
stops at this hallowed place.
On sodden earth, genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for Favour and for Grace
for Flopsy.

Through the branches of willow’s crown
a sudden burst of light filters down,
caressing three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desist,
this new resting place is gently kissed
and  dappled by  sweet  sunrays    
-for Flopsy.  
                           
…Katy smiles again.

Nina

[Cybele]

Good morning Fran,

This paints a very lovely picture of the little lass saying farewell to her treasured pet. A very warm, caring feel from this.

That's what I was trying for, not sentimentality, so I am glad that came across.

You say you are not sure about it yet. It is a difficult poem to crit, too; the balance between sentiment and description is such a matter of personal taste.

Being horribly practical I've made suggestions that may remove far to much emotional impact. As always - YOUR poem, so please feel free to bury (erm) any ideas that miss.

I may also have mucked up the form with some of these  

Fire away Fran!  

Katy, features set in solemn face,  --- love the first line especially
leads {our} small procession at slow pace
to a secret spot she knows.  --- can just imagine
Wise and knowing beyond her tender years,  --- responsible beyond her ... ?
protective of the cardboard box she bears
bound {all around} with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

Responsible beyond her years is just right Fran. Onto the cutting room floor drops one cliché (won’t James be delighted?  : rofl: )

Katy, with silent prayer and glistening eyes.  --- kids don't do silent (at least, mine don't) - whispered prayer ?
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
and lights upon the willow;
opens his beak and drops a single  leaf, --- extra space before leaf
as if to share her agonizing grief-  --- wonderful
into the scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

This first line bothered me too not having had daughters! This is how my sons would have reacted as little boys! There is a difference!

How about

Stifled sobs and glistening eyes.

She is trying for dignity for the funeral?  (Runny nose would seem to be nearer the mark but it is not very poetic is it? )

Extra space noted thank you Fran.

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled  --- coma line end?
completes the journey,{and} with growing dread --- space missing after coma (coma not required?)
stops at this hallowed place.  --- at HER hallowed place?
On sodden earth, on genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for Favour and for Grace
for Flopsy.

L1 comma noted
L2 remove ‘and’ correct spacing

--- oh dear ... I know it's my brain ( oops, no - thats a Brian, isn't it? ) but now I see the three as Katy, yourself (Grace) and someone else called Favour ... (well, my step mum had relatives in antiquity called Tryall and Hindrance). I know the three are supposed to be Katy, the narator and Flopsy.

The three people concerned are Katy, Mum and Dad. The funeral as usual is taking place in the back garden. I shall remove caps from Favour and grace to make the prayer clearer.

Then through the branches of the willow’s crown --- coma after THEN and line end
a sudden burst of light now filters down, --- glistens or shimmers down?
caressing three small nosegays. --- not quiety sure about 'carressing' but can't think of an alternative to suggest
Then blissful silence as the rains desist --- wonderful allit in this line - fantastic
and this new resting place is gently kissed  --- aw - lovely!
and  dappled by  sweet  sunrays --- extra spaces have crept in here  
-for Flopsy.  
                         
…and Katy smiles again.

Will give more thought to this stanza Fran.

It's a lovely warm feeling this poem engenders, Grace.

MMM I think when we grow up we tend to forget among all the tragedy in the world,  how traumatic a child’s first brush with death can be. To us, it may be an easily replaceable rabbit, but to her it was so personal. She chose to love this pet.

Thanks for all the input Fran. I really do appreciate it.

[Cybele]

Good morning Nina,

I have a few suggestions which will probably muck up the meter and form and probably a whole lot more, but take what you like and leave the rest, it is your poem.

[add] {delete} (comment)

Katy, features set in solemn face,
leads our small procession at {slow}[somber] pace
to a secret spot she knows.
{Wise and knowing}[Mature] beyond her tender years,
protective of the {cardboard} box she bears  (..for meter perhaps?)
bound {all around} with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

L2 I like sombre Nina, and since this piece does not rely on meter I can quite happily use it.
L4 I like Fran’s suggestion for this line.
L5 I think cardboard is intrinsic to the description here. (an old shoe box)
L6 Will delete all around, thank you.

Katy, with {silent}[home-made] prayer and glistening eyes.
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
and lights upon the willow;
opens {his} beak[,] {and} drops a single  leaf,
as if to share her agonizing grief-
into {the} scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

L4 to remove his would seem too minimalistic, but the ‘and’ will definitely go.

(Somebody gave me a HUGE box of ‘the’ an ‘and’s and I hate to waste them  )

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled
completes the journey{,}and with growing dread
stops at this hallowed place.
On sodden earth, {on} genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for Favour and for Grace
for Flopsy.

L2 lose comma
L4 this line wouldn’t make sense to me without the second ‘on’ Nina.

{Then} {t}[T]hrough the branches of {the} willow’s crown
a sudden burst of light {now} filters down,
caressing three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desist[,]
{and} this new resting place is gently kissed
and  dappled by  sweet  sunrays    
-for Flopsy.  
                         
…{and} Katy smiles again.

L1 Yes lose 'then', and whoops! there goes another ‘the’. I do hope someone is carefully collecting these. You never know when you might need one  ??? .

L2  think I will drop ‘and’ and insert as (after the comma in L1)

Than you for casting your eagle eye over this Nina. I shall post the revision shortly.

Have a good hair day!  :medusa:

[Guest_jitter-bug_*]

You seem to have gotten some excellent pointers already on this one - I'm going to focus on one stanza in particular - just because I think it needs more work


{Then} Through {the} branches of {the} [a] willow’s crown
a {sudden} burst of light now {filters} [glistens] down{,}[;]    - I like fran's idea for glistens here
{caressing} [accentuates] three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desist        -
and this new resting place is gently kissed    | - I love these three lines
and dappled by sweet sunrays                     -
-for Flopsy.  

this is how it would look with the changes - as always your poem - take or leave suggestions as you see fit  

Through branches of a willow’s crown
a burst of light now glistens down;
accentuates three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desist
and this new resting place is gently kissed
and dappled by sweet sunrays
-for Flopsy.

[Cybele]

Hello Crys,

Nice to see you here.  

You seem to have gotten some excellent pointers already on this one - I'm going to focus on one stanza in particular - just because I think it needs more work

Fine.

{Then} Through {the} branches of {the} [a] willow’s crown
a {sudden} burst of light now {filters} [glistens] down{,}[;]    - I like fran's idea for glistens here
{caressing} [accentuates] three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desist        -
and this new resting place is gently kissed    | - I love these three lines
and dappled by sweet sunrays                     -
-for Flopsy.  

Have already used glistening in a previous stanza Crys. I see the light as filtering through the leaves of the willow tree.

Yes, caressing is wrong, but accentuates doesn't do it for me either.

Might try

illuminating three small nosegays

Would that work do you think?

Your imput is greatly appreciated Crys. That's what I love about this place. I think we can stand too close to our poems and don't see the flaws, whereas others approach them with a fresh eye, and can point out the glaringly obvious!

[Guest_jitter-bug_*]

oops I missed glistening some how - sorry - but I love illuminating - :) enjoy!

[Cybele]

Good morning Crys,

oops I missed glistening some how - sorry - but I love illuminating -  enjoy!

Fine, I'm glad you think illuminating works. I shall post a revision after I have posted this weeks's Flash Jam stimulus.

Thank you Crys.

[Guest_jitter-bug_*]

I'll keep an eye out for it :)

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Grace.  

This is such a lovely piece -it's nice to read this one again and see your even further refining it!  

I DO think illuminating works much better. Aside from 2 PP's  , might I suggest one small change to your ending below?

Thanks for the journey!
~Cleo  :pharoah2

:Cleofav:


Katy, with stifled sobs and glistening eyes.
Then blissful silence as the rains desists.   < -- No enstop here
{and} this new resting place is gently kissed
and dappled by sweet  sunrays    
-for Flopsy.  
                         
…and Katy smiles again.

How about:
…and Katy beams again.   (to associaite the illumination?)

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Grace,

Wonderful work on the revision.  I couldn't even imagine what Blaise would do if she lost Chloe, her cat.  A first experience with death is so traumatic.

A suggestion or two which of course you may toss in the can ...

Katy, features set in solemn face,
leads our small procession at sombre pace
to a secret spot she knows.
Responsible beyond her tender years,
protective of the cardboard box she bears[,]
bound {all around} with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

Katy, with stifled sobs and glistening eyes{.}
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
[to]{and} light{s} upon the willow;
opens his beak, drops a single leaf,
as if to share her agonizing grief-
into  scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled,
completes the journey with growing dread,
stops at her hallowed place.
On sodden earth, on genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for favour and for grace
for Flopsy.

Through {the} branches of the willow’s crown
a sudden burst of light {now} filters down,
illuminating three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desists{.}
and this new resting place is gently kissed[,]
{and} dappled by sweet  sunrays    
-for Flopsy.  
                         
…and Katy smiles again.


Katy, features set in solemn face,
leads our small procession at sombre pace
to a secret spot she knows.
Responsible beyond her tender years,
protective of the cardboard box she bears,
bound with multi-coloured bows
for Flopsy.

Katy, with stifled sobs and glistening eyes.
is startled by a jackdaw as he flies
to light upon the willow;
opens his beak, drops a single leaf,
as if to share her agonizing grief-
into  scooped earth waiting far below
for Flopsy.

Katy, with trembling lip, her courage fled,
completes the journey with growing dread,
stops at her hallowed place.
On sodden earth, on genuflected knee,
observing Rites of Passage – just we three,
pray for favour and for grace
for Flopsy.

Through branches of the willow’s crown
a sudden burst of light filters down,
illuminating three small nosegays.
Then blissful silence as the rains desists
and this new resting place is gently kissed,
dappled by sweet  sunrays    
-for Flopsy.  
                         
…and Katy smiles again.


It truly is a beautiful poem!
Cathy

[Guest_jitter-bug_*]

Grace,

The revisions look good.

I see you have a couple more suggestions so I'll still keep an ey on this one :)

[Cybele]

Hi Cathy,

I am glad you could relate to this poem. It was written for such a little girl as Blaise.

I have noted your comments and will use them when I do the final revision on this piece Cathy. What would I do without the punctuation    

[Cybele]

Hi Crys,

The revisions look good.

I see you have a couple more suggestions so I'll still keep an ey on this one

Thank you Crys, and please let me know if you have any other thoughts to improve this one. :block: