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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
| Guest__* |
 Nov 25 03, 17:40
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#1
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I move my hands Along the golden rays of metal I move my fingers softly And the music swells and fades The last note lingers Rising on the fragile beams of light Slowing vanishing into The silent peace of the setting sun I lay down my guitar And listen to the last note fade 
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| Guest__* |
Nov 25 03, 17:44
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#2
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Dear Ashley
Welcome to MM ! And you've chosen to post a very skillful intro to your talents, kinda wistful. I have only one tiny Q : You use "I move" twice in the first three lines - is this deliberate, or can you find another phrase for one of them. For me this double weakens an otherwise lovely read. Oh, and do feel free to disagree completely with any/every thing I say ! Love Alan |
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| Guest_blondie_* |
Nov 25 03, 17:51
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#3
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QUOTE(Clesia @ Nov. 25 2003, 16:40) Hello there!.. From new member to new member...WELCOME! Very beautiful piece. Being a lover of music, especially when made on a guitar, I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. I found it very creative how you incorporated the qualities of the sun into the lines. One question: Slowing vanishing into The silent peace of the setting sun I had trouble understanding these lines. Did you mean "SLOWLY vanishing into the silent peace of the setting sun?" Thanks for sharing and I'm looking forward to more! :) ~Amy~ |
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| Guest_Jox_* |
 Nov 25 03, 17:52
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#4
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Hi Clesia and another big welcome to MM. Thank you for your first posting - we are obviously in for a treat!
Apart from Alan's and Amy's comments I have no crit. Lovely poem - well done. See you around, James. |
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Nov 25 03, 20:21
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#5
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Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Welcome aboard, it's great to have someone from the Buckeye State....
I enjoyed your written melody, and looking forward to reading more of your thoughtful contributions. ·······  ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner             |
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| Guest__* |
Nov 25 03, 21:17
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#6
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yes i did mean slowly not slowing. thank you for all your comments
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| Guest_Zeus˛_* |
Nov 25 03, 21:28
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#7
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Hi Ashley and welcome to MM,
A nice blending of music and the mind. Very tranquil. Larry  :xmas: :snowflake:
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Nov 26 03, 02:52
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#8
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Good Morning Clesia,
 Warmest welcomes to MM. I hope you will be happy here.  Your poem is quite lovely and very visual. I have no further crits for you but if you decide to use any suggested alterations, do you think you could kindly go into edit on your poem Clesia and then copy the poem again with changes underneath the original entitled REVISION, so that we can compare the two? Please don't be upset by anyone's comments on your 'babies'. It is only by standing back and looking at them anew that we see tiny pieces that can be improved with a little tweak. We also have a tendency to thank anyone who takes the time and interest to read our work individually. You are under absolutely no obligation to heed their suggestions and can tell them so, or say why you think your version is better. We all do that here. We are all your friends here and wish to make you feel at home.  Love Grace 
······· ······· Love
Grace  http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner     |
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| Guest_Lecta_* |
 Nov 26 03, 06:09
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#9
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Wow! I live in your hometown! Loved the poem! Maybe it would be more powerful if the font size was bigger then got smaller? Or you could make "fade" smaller. Just a thought!
~Lecta~ (GO BUCKEYES!) :laugh: |
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| Guest__* |
Nov 26 03, 06:17
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#10
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Really? do you go to North or Cental? If you go to north i probibly don't know you because i just moved here this year. GO BUCKS!
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| Guest_Lecta_* |
Nov 27 03, 18:28
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#11
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Can't tell you that, but let's just say that either way, I don't know you. Oh, well. :)
~Lecta~ |
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| Guest__* |
Nov 27 03, 20:53
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#12
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oh ok never mind.
 happy thanksgiving
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| Guest_Lecta_* |
 Nov 28 03, 09:48
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#13
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You too! :turkey:
~Lecta~ |
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