Butterfly, Wizard Award, A Glosa Options

[Psyche]

Hi SuZ!
Just found your Glosa. Fantastic. Wish I could try my hand at it. Congrats! I'm in a rush now, but wanted to tell you that it's a joy to read. Good luck with your PEO Chapter.
I can tell we're going to learn a great deal from you!

This thread is most interesting. John, what a scare with your Mum-in-law, sorry 'bout that. Great to hear from you, Bev! I'm sending good vibes your way right now!
Hugs to all,
Syl***

[pixordia]

Hi Syl***:
So good to hear from you.
Glad you like the Glosa form and my attempt.
I guess nothing ventured nothing gained.
That is what I tell my Poets in my Poetry Circle at OSHER Lifelong learning .
A poem doesn't go down perfectly first try. Just write anything- even if it is prose
and keep playing with the idea..a poem will emerge from it someday - if it is meant to be.
Take care of yourself.

[Arnfinn]

Hi, SuZ,



I've taken a copy of your revision/original 'butterfly.'


Check things out tomorrow.


Regards,



John

[Arnfinn]

Hello Suz,

The new version is better.

Not doing anything in regards to punctuation, except on one occasion.

This is my opinion, take or leave.


My cocoon tightens-Colors tease
I am feeling for the air
A dim capacity for wings
Demeans the dress I wear
from 1099 - Emily Dickinson

Butterfly

My potential held in a chrysalis
I hide within a shadowed niche
Safe from mischief and the curious <<< 'mischief and the curious' is perfect. Well put.
Time stands still for my strange seed <<< Time stands still<<< clich'e. I'd change<<< ' strange seed'. Is it a strange seed? A natural metamorphosis for millions of butterflys.

Buds of my wings, flimsy as flowers<<< the alliteration flimsy, flowers is poetic. However, flimsy in the sense 'used' means: very thin, delicate, sheer transparent? To me one of the 'f's' will have to be changed
grow from leaf nectar with ease
In grub miasma I am geometry concealed
A rainbow of speckles,
secretly forming by tiny degrees
My cocoon tightens- colors tease

Outside a gently scented atmosphere <<< I'd put a pause after 'Outside,' If a comma is used. 'Outside' reads as being 'outside' while I'm inside. No comma: the line reads like a weather forcast.
stirs memories of my once segmented self

Sucked to wind bucked leaves, green
of their green, protected by dapple;
a puzzle of leafy camouflage, I
gorged there, naked and bare
then wove around me a fine cocoon,
I - was the spinner and the loom
Quietly suspended - now I must dare
I'm feeling for the air

I am feeling for the sun
Cell by cell - a squeezing permutation <<< Maybe. instead of squeezing, 'pressured'.

Diligently shedding grub matter; <<<<For me diligence is for the 'office.' Perhaps change to, steadily or stealthily.
a framework, a pattern, a nectar tongue
coiled for long throats of flowers to come,
poised for pastoral whisperings
I struggle to unfold.
A magic, a beauty stunningly brief <<< maybe A magic, a beauty, stunningly brief.
I hold, as do all mystical things
a dim capacity for wings


My living doppler's- feelers in vibration <<< I'd change 'living'. In this case used as a 'fill in'. Be either, realistic or imaginative.
New wings that shimmer transparent gossamer <<< My opinion: delete 'New'
I gather energy, I tremble for flight<<< My opinion: delete the 'I' in I tremble.
I tumble with garden blest wings<<< My opinion: delete the 'I' in I tumble.
A brief portrayal of immortal life
is part of the nature I bear
I flitter, I flutter - I seem to be aimless.<<< My opinion: delete the 'I' in I flutter.
A symbol of ever returning things
Only the flower, fragile and fair, <<< I get the feeling ED thought her butterfly was prettier than flowers, but it's a nice line, anyway.
demeans the dress I wear.


Best I can doooooooooooo, SuZ.

Regards,


John.

[Psyche]

Hi Suz!

Poetry Circle at OSHER Lifelong learning .

What does the above stand for? Wish I could join! And congrats on your creative work in...er... Hawaii?...LOL....got 'meself a mixup!

This week I've decided that what little time I dispose of, I shall use for revising my own stuff. Got at least 2 in this forum to do homework on....wow....

Hugs, Syl***

[pixordia]

Thanks John :
I appreciate the time you have taken

and
Syl*** Glad you stopped by.
I don't blame you for working on your own -when time is so limited for you.
Potry is good therapy - I always say.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Suzanne on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Suz, congrats on the wizard award.
Steve

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Suz,

Ok, I’m back (finally) after having read your poem and the form’s parameters and have jotted down some notes into Wordpad. Because I’m a pp (punctuation police) I’ll note those areas where I think punctuation should go along the way, should you decide to adopt adding those suggestions. I’d really like to tackle this form now, and I like the way you’ve incorporated the L6,9,10 rhyme scheme into each stanza as well as the required refrains. This is certainly an ambitious poem, not only to elaborate an entire stanza back to one line (the glossing), but to have ten line stanzas and that rhyme scheme I mentioned is really quite an accomplishment that you should be proud of. Well done!

[add] {delete}

My cocoon tightens-Colors tease
I am feeling for the air
A dim capacity for wings
Demeans the dress I wear
from 1099 - Emily Dickinson
I recommend italicizing the themed stanza above.

My potential[‘s] held in a chrysalis
I hide within a shadowed niche
[s]afe from mischief and the curious[.]
Time stands still for my strange seed [-]
Buds of my wings, flimsy as flowers
grow[n] from leaf nectar with ease[.]
In grub miasma I am geometry concealed[;] –Love this!
A rainbow of speckles{,}
secretly forming by tiny degrees[.]
My cocoon tightens- colors tease[.]

Outside a gently scented atmosphere
stirs memories of my once segmented self
[s]ucked to wind bucked leaves, green
of their green, protected by dapple; -Beautiful!
a puzzle of leafy camouflage, I
gorged there, naked and bare -Nice inner rhymes!
then wove around me a fine cocoon{,}[.]
I – {was} the spinner and the loom
[q]uietly suspended - now I must dare [--]
I'm feeling for the air[.]

I am feeling for the sun[.]
Cell by cell - a squeezing permutation
[d]iligently shedding grub matter; -Excellent!
a framework, a pattern, a nectar tongue
coiled for long throats of flowers to come{,}
poised for pastoral whisperings
I struggle to unfold.
A magic, a beauty stunningly brief
I hold, as do all mystical things
a dim capacity for wings[.]

My living [D]oppler's- feelers in vibration[;]
New wings that shimmer transparent gossamer
I gather energy, I tremble for flight
I tumble with garden blest wings[.]
A brief portrayal of immortal life
is part of the nature I bear[;]
I flitter, I flutter - I seem to be aimless.
A symbol of ever returning things
[o]nly the flower, fragile and fair,
demeans the dress I wear.

This is really very lovely! I’ll be back to read this one again for sure!
Enjoyed,
~Cleo

[pixordia]

Hi Cleo:
I appreciate your kind words and the time you have spent.
I am so glad to have all the punctuation suggestions.

Since you think this is a worthy poem I am thinking of entering it into a local competition.
Thanks again for taking the time.
I am somewhat incapacitated with a strained tendon so have been less mobile
having to wear a brace.
Hope to participate here more in october.
mahalo,
SuZ

[pixordia]

Congrats Suzanne on your wizard award winning tile!

Well done!

~Cleo

Oh WOW:
I just noticed this. My first very first tile.
Thanks to the powers that be.

[Arnfinn]

Congrats Suz,


Well done.








John

[pixordia]

Thanks John