Tattered Album Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Tattered Album

Filtered memories spring forth
as she gently touches
frayed edges of pressed florals,
scents mellow and vague;
sepia images of a lifetime,
tissued covers yellow with age.
From afar, familiar melody
drifts softly on air ...

She strains to hear their song

Whirling 'cross the floor
embraced in a blissful waltz,
'Adonis and Aphrodite' ... remembered.
She smiles.
Bands of gold encircle life
as whispered words of pledge
are rendered ...

She weeps with joy and sorrow

Remembrances glow of moonlight,
as shadow'd chemise falls.
Silken threads of light thus shed
disrobed by breath of night.
Silence sears with death's caress ...

Convulsive sigh for all that's lost

All that remains
is the book they shared,
cracked corners tattered from use.
She hiccoughs a sob,
sets her beloved album down

open to his page ...

~Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright Jan2005

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cathy,

This is beautifully nostalgic and romantic. The old album is such a wonderful way to draw upon the memories you picture here, and the sadness of times and a love departed.

The opening lines are wonderful:

Frayed edges of pressed florals,
their scents mellow and vague

and my other favourites are:

Silken threads of light thus shed
disrobed by breath of night.

I think the last line of that verse may have a typo (TEARS)?
Engulfing quiet sears ...

Sepia images of a lifetime,
plastic covers yellow with age.

I wonder if plastic sits well with the sepia images? If you are thinking of the protection on the pages then tissue would be appropriate, or if you mean the outer album cover leather might be more nostalgic.

Best wishes,

Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy... at this stage I don't have any "corrections" to suggest. (Apart from the one which Fran noted).

However, I must say how I found this interesting. The whole scene seems a metaphor for their relationship, as well as a "simple" nostalga piece. Well crafted and very enjoyable. Thank you.

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

A lovely romantic poem, tinged with sadness at her loss in old age.
You capture the nostalgia very well.

My only crit is in the use of the word "scrapbook" both in the title and in the last verse.  For me the word doesn't seem to be beautiful enough for the poem.

For the title, I suggest, simply The Album

All that remains
is the scrapbook they shared,
corners tattered and cracked with use.
*hiccoughs a sob*
She sets the beloved album aside

the only alternative I can think of is:

All that remains
are the pages they shared
corners tattered and cracked with use.
*hiccoughs a sob*
She sets the beloved album aside

But of course it is your poem and your choice.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Nina!  I hadn't even thought of the terms I was using.  I will make the necessary changes.  And thanks for pointing that out to me.

Thank you James.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I am going to make some changes so I'll take care of that.  It's supposed to show her memories of him and her feelings at looking back, after his death.

Fran, thank you for pointing out the plastic and the word "sears".  I know the meaning I have in mind but I obviously have the wrong word.  It's not supposed to be tears.  LOL  I will fix those things.

Thank all of you for commenting.  
Cathy~

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cathy,

LOL! I totally misread the line

Engulfing quiet sears ...

So what you mean is the quiet cuts into her because she misses him? And I (and I think James and Nina after my suggestion) have read it as the night is swallowing up her quiet crying.

It can be read either way. Alan found a similar problem with my Reluctant Poet - confused me totally until Perry worked out what was happening, because I was so sure what I intended.

Readers will reinterpret things ... it actually makes sense with the second meaning, but obviously not quite what you want. For me, the first meaning just didn't spring to mind, so I assumed a typo. I wonder if anyone else would have read it that way if I hadn't put the comment in?

Best wishes,
Fran

[Guest__*]

Dear Cathy,

As they all say, lovely, sad nostalgia, (almost) perfectly done.

I have one solution, and a - new - problem.

Solution :

Remembrances glow of moonlight,
as shadow'd chemise falls.
Silken threads of light thus shed
disrobed by breath of night.
The engulfing quiet sears ... - making this into a full sentence clarifies your intent, sears as a verb, biting into her thoughts, memories etc.

Problem :

All that remains
is this book they shared, -- for some reason I think "the" would be stronger ?
corners tattered and cracked with use.
*hiccoughs a sob*

- Here is where I stumble - perhaps a comma would clarify ? :
*hiccoughs, a sob*

She sets the beloved album aside -- She sets her beloved album down - her makes this really personal, and "down" has more sad finality ?

As alway, throw me out with the bathwater if I displease you, what you have here is already so strong, don't know if any of my suggestions add to what YOU are saying ....

I've just had another idea - your title, "The Faded Album" could be "FADING ALBUM", I think the "the" is unneccesary, and "fading" implies continued loss, decline, while "faded" signifies a completion of the process. Nit-picking, perhaps ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Alan,

I've made a few changes and your comments have got me to thinking so as soon as I figure this out I will make more changes.  LOL  Thank you for your comments and compliments!  They are greatly appreciated!

Cathy~

[JLY]

Cathy,
A very sentimental piece tugging our emotions.  I thought your editorial/emotional interjections were appropriate and gave the reader more of an understanding of the ebb and flow of the piece.

I am contemplating the following line:

corners tattered and cracked with use.

perhaps

cracked corners tattered from use

JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi JLY,

I appreciate your compliments.  I have made some changes and your suggestion was one of them.  This one's been a tough one to write.

Thank you,
Cathy~

[Aggiel]

Cathy,

This is a romantic poem but sad. Sadness makes it more romantic.



Aggiel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Aggiel!  I'm glad you enjoyed it, thanks for dropping in!

Cathy~