Barefoot Ballet Options

[JLY]

2nd Revison, 1/5/05:

BAREFOOT BALLET

We were lovelorn souls
with bruised marital frustrations
longing for someone to console
and reap gentle appreciation.

On a steamy summery day
just before dark,
we danced and swayed
barefoot in the park.

Our intimate soiree,
was never a wanton lark,
just a demure trepid ballet,
sans trifling sizzle and  spark.

Our choreographed eurhythmics,
while delicately tempered,
were treasured for their aesthetics,
and gratefully endeared.

Casting two dusky silhouettes
we rehearsed and cajoled
our primal pirouette
embracing newfound whirling roles.

As we leaped and turned
a passion that lied dormant
now ignited and burned
into a flame tenderly luxuriant.

Fiery emotions had burst,
lending a euphoric illusion
to our toe dancing tryst,
channeling a burgeoning fusion.

BAREFOOT BALLET

On a steamy summery day
just before dark,
we danced and swayed
barefoot in the park.

Our intimate soiree,
was never a wanton lark,
just a demure trepid ballet,
sans trifling sizzle and  spark.

Our choreographed eurythmics,
while skillfully maneuvered,
were treasured for their aesthetics,
never ruefully belabored.

Casting two dusky silhouettes
we rehearsed and cajoled
our primal pirouette
as we embraced whirling roles.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi JLY

The title and first verse conjured up in my mind, lovely romantic images so I was a bit confused by the end of the second verse.  

sans trifling sizzle and  spark

I would have expected some sort of connection and electricity between the two dancers.  Perhaps I am misunderstanding the poem.
I'd appreciate it if you could explain.

I don't know if it is because of a difference in pronunciation, but to me the third verse doesn't rhyme.

In UK we pronounce manoeuvered as  manoovered
and belabored as beelayberd.   I hope this makes sense as I'm not very good at phonetics.
Nina

[JLY]

Nina,
Thanks for your response. There is no passion between these two; they are simply dance partners and not much else; similar to people in a bad marriage---they just go about their interests without the emotional flair.

JLY

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi John,

A poem that makes me wish I could kick of my shows and dance barefoot on the grass ... but right now here I'd get chilblains and covered in mud (winter in England).

I've been looking at this poem and thinking it suggests two conflicting moods. So I'm rather glad that Nina has gone before me and said the same thing.

On a steamy summery day
just before dark,
we danced and swayed
barefoot in the park.

A very hot and sensuous image of your dancers from the first verse, but the second and third verses suggest 'demure' control and coolness (sans sizzle - lovely).

Our intimate soiree,
was never a wanton lark,
just a demure trepid ballet,
sans trifling sizzle and  spark.

Our choreographed eurythmics,
while skillfully maneuvered,
were treasured for their aesthetics,
never ruefully belabored.

The last stanza seems to be back to passion again (primal pirouette)

Casting two dusky silhouettes
we rehearsed and cajoled
our primal pirouette
as we embraced whirling roles.

Perhaps we are missing something ... but it's warmed up a dark dank afternoon very well - thanks.

Fran

[JLY]

Fran,
Both you and Nina are causing me to rethink this project. Perhaps your feminine perspective has found a wrinkle that I overlooked.  

I think I will write a second draft and see if I can come up with some passion to please the lady readers.
JLY

[Guest_Toumai_*]

John, you have such lovely lines in both the 'hot' and'cool' verses - how about two couples dancing; one passionately, one sedately? ... just a thought (seems a shame to waste anything that's so much fun).

[JLY]

Toumai,
I like your idea.  I wrote the original poem based upon actual people. I have friends (guy and a gal) who are both in empty relationships and they find comfort(but as of yet, no romantic involvement) in going dancing together.

I will begin rewriting this asap.

JLY

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi John

I look forward to reading the revised poem  

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I have to agree with Fran about the two conflicting moods that you've projected.  The idea of two different couples could work if it's made clear that there are two.  Other than that, it's a beautifully written poem.

Cathy~

[JLY]

Cathy,
I am finalizing my first revision and I think it will be a clearer depiction of my thought process and hopefully it will be as well received as this first one.
Thanks for your comments.
JLY

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi JLY

the new version, definitely satisfies the romantic soul inside me.  


As we leaped and turned,
a passion that lied dormant
now ignited and burned
into a flame tenderly luxuriant.

a beautiful description which really captures the image of new, unexpected love.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello John and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I must I like the revision so much more!  :pharoah2 It gives it better overall picture of the two who lost a spark and found it through the dance.  

Here a few suggestions for you:
Cheers!
Cleo  

We were lovelorn souls
with bruised marital frustrations
longing for someone to console
and reap some gentle appreciation.

Our choreographed eurhythmics *typo
while delicately tempered,
were treasured for their aesthetics
and gratefully endeared.

As we leaped and turned  *no comma
a passion that lied dormant
now ignited and burned
into a flame tenderly luxuriant.

[JLY]

Nina,
Thank you for stopping by for a second read. Your original comments were very helpful to me.
JLY

[JLY]

Lori,
Thanks for your helpful comments. I will make some changes to fine tune this piece. I am glad that you enjoyed the revised edition.
JLY

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi John,

A story is emerging beautifully now. I can imagine the dancers, at first concentrating on their movements, their coreography, and then discovering as they move together their emotions are kindled, too.

Fran

[JLY]

Thank you Fran. This is a true story of two disenchanted souls who come together and find that they have much in common.
JLY

[Cybele]

Hello John,

Sorry to arrive late for the dance  :dance:

I have read all the crits and your second revision which I find much easier to understand after reading your explanation.

You have built this poem into a rather lovely story of burgeoning love arriving unnanounced to two lonely people and this is something I can identify with ~ and I am sure, so will many others.

I have just two tiny points to raise.

Casting two dusky silhouettes
we rehearsed and cajoled
our primal pirouette
embracing newfound whirling roles.

Line 2 'cajoled' seems rather a harsh word which, while it means coaxed, in this instance seems to imply that this relationship was forced instead of developing naturally from friendship.

Might I suggest that the word 'nursed' might better convey your meaning? (As well as giving you an unintentional inner rhyme. )

As we leaped and turned
a passion that lied dormant
now ignited and burned
into a flame tenderly luxuriant.

Line two

I think perhaps what you are saying is

a passion that lay dormant

(also past tense)

'lied' conveys an untruth.

This is a lovely poem which appeals to my incorrigible romanticism.  :cloud9: Thank you for the read.

[JLY]

Grace,
Thank you so much; your comments are exactly what I need. I like them and they will be integrated into yet another revision.
JLY

[Cybele]

Hello again John,

It is my pleasure. That is the beauty of MM. Sometimes we are too close to our own work and need a fresh pair of eyes to help us improve.

I know many people help me with my own pieces and I truly appreciate it.