Pondering Pedigrees, Double Dactyl Sonnet Wannabe Options

[Mary Boren]

Pondering Pedigrees

Look at the puppy, he's
testing his boundaries,
building momentum to hurdle the fence.

Grown doggie, tall enough,
still doesn't call its bluff.
Knocked himself silly once, hasn't tried since.

Look at the baby that's
kicking his cradle slats,
pushing the limits of practical truth.

Reaching maturity,
now he's a worker bee
trapped by illusion, conditioned in youth.

Whether your lineage is mongrel or man,
soaring's a matter of knowing you can.

[Merlin]

This old mongrel is expecting No 1 pup for a week beginning the 22nd. Perhaps he'll teach me a few new tricks, but it's my intention to teach him swimming. Of course, we need to go fishing, and all that too.

Merlin

[JustDaniel]

Greetings Mistress Mary! I love this!

... and I think that the best way to comment on it might be to use your own words through the eye of the ol' mongrel:

Look at my Mistress, she's
testing her boundaries,
building momentum to hurdle the fence.

Reaching maturity,
now she's a worker bee
trapped by illusion conditioned in youth.

I know that my lineage is mongrel, not man,
but you'll see her soaring ... 'cause I know she can.

deLighting in both of your perspectives, Daniel

[jgdittier]

Dear Mary,
A double dactyl, a parable disguised as a mere ditty, perfect beat, a joyous lesson- how can I not respond to my first reading of the day!
My first impulse after reading any current poetry is to wonder if and how it can be improved. Even when convinced that improvement is possible, it often seems to me that improvement isn't necessary. Yours is this case.
Daniel has both personalized this piece and he's legally deviated from the strict /--/-- in the closing.
I admit, though my personal preferences generally favor the as-written version, as the as- written is the closest I can get to the poet's style, Daniel modifications I like.
Yours is a double dactyl, an unusual cadence which may deserve more respect for its continuity, I think I'll vote smilies for both versions!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Mary Boren]

Thanks, gentlemen. I wanted to see if the incongruity of content and form would fly. It was fun to write -- think I'll do it again sometime.

Merlin, I'll bet you won't have to teach that puppy to swim. Daniel, what a sweet response. Ron, thanks for getting it. Your turn.

Mary

[Michelle]

Hi Mary,

your talent with meter amazes me. The message in this, too, is delivered (seemingly) effortlessly. This has a freshness and crispness to it. S2 deviates a bit for me as per meter, but once you establish the beat it falls easily into the rhythm. Excellent writing, as always.

my best,

Michelle

[Mary Boren]

Thanks, Michelle -- glad you enjoyed and that it looks effortless. I workshopped this one here before bringing it to MM. It tried to go off in another direction, which I might pursue in another poem sometime.

Mary

[Mistral]

Hi Mary,
Precisely! And you CAN teach an old dog new tricks.....*grin*
Absolutely loved this and agree that you seem to write effortlessly.

Hugs,
M

[AMETHYST]

Hey Mary,

I have to admit I couldn't hold up the meter on this to save my life, and yet, as Mistral said - it reads as if written without effort. I am beside myself. Great growth between each stanza. I do hate coming into a thread and having nothing to offer as suggestions, but I have printed this one out and will make it a point to study the double Dacs and see if some practice (using your poem as a model) will teach me to do what you do with your eyes closed! I love your work and this is another to put on that list!

Hugs, Liz ...

[Judi]

Hi Mary...I like this very much and have no nits...It seems to me that the ending is changed since you first wrote it...is it? Anyway, I like it just as it is! God Bless, Judi

[Peterpan]

A priceless piece...I cannot find anything to nit.

Thank you for sharing it.

PP

[jgdittier]

Dear Nada Lott,
I dabbled in dactyls in the past and was satisfied if I could meet the parameters and yet be clear re the message.
You have in posting #1 a message that I "got" on the first read and which I'd have bet my muse that any improvements would be miniscule.
Guess what, I was right!
Cheers, Ron
ps- poetry that brings out the responses and comments this one did proves itself simply by the folks who were entranced enough by it to spare their thoughts

[Mary Boren]

Thanks for the encouraging words, Misty, Liz, Judi, Bev, and Ron. I guess I'll call it finished, then.

Judi, you're right, it didn't come out this way originally. That's why I provided the link to the other workshop posting, to show that it was not without effort. The trick is to make it look easy.

Incidentally, I like the way poems are treated there. I think simply pointing out where it doesn't work is much more helpful than the kind of rewriting-in-lieu-of-critique often found here at MM. But I like the ambience better here -- it's a family feeling.

Mary

[Thoth]

Hi Mary,
I think I'm out of my depth with all this, but I followed how you got there. In the end between you and Daniel, I must just bow out smiling. but I learned a lot! I can't contribute much, but thank you for sharing this. Wally

[Mary Boren]

Thanks much, Wally. You can contribute a lot here, just like anyone else with an opinion. I've read your wonderful poem and will return to it when I can spend more time here, which may be a couple of days.

Mary