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monsoon, senryu |
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Guest_Kathy_*
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Jun 8 07, 20:05
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monsoon-- soapy men beneath the drain
This was published somewhere. He wrote and asked me for it.
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Jun 9 07, 00:49
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 103
Joined: 18-April 07
From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Kathy, this is a most unusual and amazing scene! At first I caught a glimpse of soapy men being washed down the drain, lol! But then, with the monsoon I saw flooding... and men working to fix the drain...then soap spills on them! Lary P.S. Who is "He"....?
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Guest_Kathy_*
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Jun 9 07, 03:18
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No, actually they were showering. Water is scarce until the monsoon. I don't know who he was, Lary. He wanted several of my Nepalese haiku. It could be: distant thunder soapy men beneath the drain
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Jun 9 07, 09:24
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 388
Joined: 26-October 03
From: Southeast USA
Member No.: 37
Real Name: Jan
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Kathy,
I got tickled at Lary's reply. hahaha This is a very interesting scene---love the image 'soapy men'.
Jan
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Jun 9 07, 23:19
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 103
Joined: 18-April 07
From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Kathy, I have an idea that you use the word "drain" in a different way down under... I'm seeing a drain where water runs out of a sink or a bathtub. Do you perchance mean a roof drain, or something similar? Lary
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Guest_Kathy_*
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Jun 9 07, 23:29
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It was more like a waterfall from a pipe, Lary. 'Drain' is a risky word to use, for sure. We also use it for the drainage hole in a sink, and the plumbing that comes from it. And the guttering around the eaves, the downpipes and the conduits (open and closed) that carry liquids. Also the gutter that runs along the side of the road.
Maybe I will use waterfall.
Monsoon-- soapy men under the waterfall
it sounds a bit 'choppy' to me, but I am biased towards iambs. ie 'beneath the drain' SOUNDS so much better.
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Jun 10 07, 00:26
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 103
Joined: 18-April 07
From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Kathy, once I know what you mean, I can see it just fine! But waterfall is neat too...I see them out in the forest somewhere! Lary
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Guest_Kathy_*
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Jun 10 07, 00:40
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Well it was in the forest, Lary. It was Nepal. This was at the beginning of the monsoon, before the flow of water grew too fierce, and when people were excited to have rain.
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Jun 10 07, 08:01
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Kathy. Wow - what an interesting image you've portrayed! I can envision men soaping themselves down and then running under a fountain, waterspout, waterway or waterfall to rinse off. monsoon-- soapy men beneath the drainI have a little trouble with 'beneath the drain' because taking it literally, my mind is thinking of manhole covers (used in sewer systems on roadways) and so I think of these men as working in the sewers. Another way might be to focus on the lathering of the soap and seeing it trickle down the drain, maybe something like: men lather up - trickle down the drain or the act of 'bathing'? Hmmm - If you were to imagine these men lathering up and then rinsing off - would the monsoon be the catalyst that actually rinses them off? If so, I think a tweak could be something like: bathe beneath the drain? Would switching the order around have a different meaning? soapy men bathe beneath the drain -- monsoon I enjoyed this Kathy! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Kathy_*
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Jun 10 07, 18:15
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Guest
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soapy men bathe beneath the drain -- monsoon Good suggestion, Lori. Haiku works best when readers have experiences in common with the poet. Sadly, I can't give you this image. I am in a bus climbing through high jungle, passing villages bordered by tall trees. It is raining. The river to our right is swelling rapidly, water cascades down the cliffs to our left. Soapy people laugh and call to each other as they splash under waterfalls, pipes and spouting. It isn't a trickle, Lori. This water is quite fast. This is the great value of workshopping poetry; how else could we know that the reader has the wrong images? Thanks everyone, for telling me.
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Guest_Kathy_*
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Jun 10 07, 18:49
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Guest
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Jun 11 07, 23:02
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 103
Joined: 18-April 07
From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
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Oh, I Googled, Kathy... that site is where students take published haiku and translate it. Your haiku was in Paper Wasp...way to go! (I guess I did see it back then.) It's on the bottom of the page, but don't let that bother you...some very prominant names are down there! http://members.optusnet.com.au/paperwasp/selections2005.htmlYou must start sending more of your haiku out! Lary
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Guest_Kathy_*
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Jun 12 07, 03:05
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Guest
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I knew it was in Paper Wasp. I actually sent some in last year. But there was a chap who asked me for some, as well. Anyway... Thank you Lary. It is not likely though.
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Jun 12 07, 05:35
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Kathy, For me, this image works in your description because now I see the rainforest, the cliffs and the waterfall(ing): soapy men bathe beneath cliff's cascades -- monsoon Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Kathy_*
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Jun 12 07, 06:28
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Guest
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Thanks for your interest, Lori. There's a problem with 'cliff's cascades' though. Mud, rocks and vegetation roar down the cliffs during the monsoon.
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Jun 13 07, 19:06
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 376
Joined: 28-May 07
From: Co. Galway, Ireland
Member No.: 440
Real Name: Terry O C
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Ephiny
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Hi Kathy, Just one suggestion, I would change it thus: monsoon-- soapy women beneath the drain I think it works much better now, for me. Terry
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Terrylight lights light
--Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."--Oscar WildeMM Award Winner
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Jun 14 07, 07:59
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hi Kathy, QUOTE monsoon-- soapy men beneath the drain I like this a lot. We use the word drain also for the same many definitions as you've described. What takes me further from the larger image of drain, or in forest or by waterfalls, is the word 'soapy ...' When I read the full image, I get a more private bathing. So I suppose, is your intent for soapy really 'soapy' Is the image of men bathing outside? or is it the image of water, rapidily flowing that creates that foamy appearence? ... Once I think I know where the soap comes in, I hope to be able to offer something that might help- or even more so, will see your intent and be able to appreciate this for it's worth. I do however see the dramatic scenario and love it. I just feel that perhaps a different choice of words to imply the scene might help a bit. Big Hugs, Liz ... PS on another note, I couldn't write such a strong and relative image at all! :) Biggest Hugs... Liz
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