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removed, Member Choice Winner |
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Dec 19 06, 21:04
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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Member Choice Award Winner *Graphic provided by Celtic Castle Designsremoved
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Dec 20 06, 10:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,596
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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What a graphically grim picture, Cyn. The flow of this is masterful, methinks. Maybe the dialect needs some work... and you know how much I struggle with end stops, but I FEEL that the lines are too long ? Wish I could help more... but I want you to know that this has the makin's o' sumpthin' spechul! deLightin' in yer creativity, Daniel
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Dec 20 06, 12:56
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Dec 20 06, 15:49 ) [snapback]88927[/snapback] What a graphically grim picture, Cyn. The flow of this is masterful, methinks. Maybe the dialect needs some work... and you know how much I struggle with end stops, but I FEEL that the lines are too long ? Wish I could help more... but I want you to know that this has the makin's o' sumpthin' spechul! deLightin' in yer creativity, Daniel I just went ahead and shortened the lines, see if that helps Thanks Daniel, as always
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Dec 27 06, 20:36
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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I have revised this one as well
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Dec 27 06, 21:57
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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WOW... Cyn, this is forceful, with harsh reality as the trigger of powerful images and a wondering tone. The inner alliterative partnerships with words through out and other sound devices bring out the poetic over tone like a shined diamond. I loved the voice you've used. It invites the reader to sit down on a porch swing, with the narrator, sipping a cool glass of homemade lemonade, looking out onto fields that once were the livelihood and playground to 'those' hands I can see so clearly in my mind. I am there...sitting...listening to this man's longing for yesterday voice...wondering where did those years go, the people...the times. And how...such losses ... all gone, and yet, never bled. I loved the linking of these events in the man... As blood, being a symbol of life itself... (in my opinion) and so I linked it. Some minor thoughts, but I must say that your revision really doesn't leave much to nit pick about. Just some Bravo's to sing "thank you for this read" ... Hugs and Happy Holidays, Liz QUOTE These Hands
Good title.
When’d my hands get so old lookin’, he wondered, these same hands that built this house. A saw took this ring finger
Because the title says..."these hands' perhaps beginning the first line as...
when'd they get so old lookin', he wondered, these same hands that built this house. A saw took this ring finger
Just might alleviate that too quick, too close repeat of 'hands'
clean off, hardly bled at all. These same hands, before they were all bent and peculiar, tilled these fallow fields, barren as the missus,
I LOVED these 2 lines. especially how nonchalantly, 'barren as the missus' sort of flutters off the tongue as if in casual conversation, and yet such powerful meaning. I also wanted to commend you for the line break choice, allowing the thought... the power of his wife being childless settles in, before coming to learn of her death... Excellent poetics. A double slap of life's realities and still you maintained that steady, casual smooth voice of the narrator... which makes the poem!
before the cancer took her, after Doc White took her ovaries and the chemo took her hair. Looked jess like a baby bird, she did. Like this fledgling mewling
Again... not a nit.
in these hands, its wing bent and lifeless, mangled foot clasping nothing. The shovel blade against its neck, it hardly bled at all. What a powerful ending. Very crisp, bordering brilliant.
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Dec 28 06, 01:41
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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Liz I have altered this per your suggestion, thanks. Good one! Cyn
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Dec 28 06, 09:40
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,250
Joined: 2-August 03
From: USA
Member No.: 7
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Cyn, This is a rousing poem and your raw/slang tonality sets the stage for a moving poem with stark imagery. (interesting vernacular) The only suggestion I have is to perhaps change the last word “wonder” (redundant) or, rework the last sentence a bit. Happy holidays.
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Dec 28 06, 13:17
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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I think you are reading the original. The line with wonder had been dropped. The revised version is at the top of the page. Thanks for reading though
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Dec 28 06, 18:29
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,250
Joined: 2-August 03
From: USA
Member No.: 7
Writer of: Poetry
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QUOTE (Cyn @ Dec 28 06, 18:17 ) [snapback]89179[/snapback] I think you are reading the original. The line with wonder had been dropped. The revised version is at the top of the page. Thanks for reading though Hey Cyn, Whoops! I apologize as I was stuck on the original's last sentence. The revised has a great "punch!" Happy holidays.
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Jan 21 07, 19:24
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Cyn. Sorry I'm so late to read and comment! I definitely like your revised version more - the longer lines seem to make each image stand out more in my mind for some reason. The 'voice' is perfect here too and I feel the sadness of the MC, and how he relates life memories (through his hands) back to the fledgling, putting it out of its misery. No nits here - best of luck in the polling -well deserved! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 23 07, 18:18
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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Thanks Cleo. I hope the main gist of this was not lost, that this man could help the bird but ot his wife. thanks for your encouragment Cyn
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Jan 25 07, 18:11
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Yes - there is connection to that, in the closing line (the shovel), so the meaning is clear.
~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 24 07, 13:30
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Congrats Cyn on your Member Choice award winning tile! Well done! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Feb 24 07, 15:13
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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WOW I did not know it had been nominated! Thanks to whoever nominated it and those who agreed! What a great surprise!
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Feb 25 07, 09:02
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Cyn. A well deserved award! We're trying a new approach with our Member Choice and COM (Critiquer of the month) award programs (a resurrection of sorts) and it goes something like this: Any poems nominated for the monthly IBPC competition will be automatically nominated for our monthly Member Choice award poll. Additionally, any member can nominate tiles from the following forums: Herme's Homilies (Fixed Poetic Forms), Seren's Synapse (Poetic Free Verse), Plato's Pearls of Wisdom (Poetry Exhibition), Stonehenge (Short Prose), Pandora's Box (Monthly Challenges), and the Acropolis (Weekly Challenges) until the 5th of each month. On the 6th, the Member Choice poll will be posted. We're trying to stick to a 'schedule of events and polls' to make it a more regular process here at . I've been posting the nomination thread around the same time we post the poll for the IBPC votes (generally the 22nd) over in the Valley of the Kings forum. Actually, the Feb Member Choice nom thread was just posted here: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=9848 if you'd like to take a peek. I digress.... as for this excellent poem, Liz was the one who nominated it for the IBPC Feb comp and I'd like to share her comments here in this thread with you and your readers. QUOTE I would like to nominate These Hands By Cyn as it is written with raw straight forward honesty. Gripping truths of a man's life that, perhaps is a nobody in the grand scheme of things, but how Cyn used the voice chosen, word choices and various experiences to link one event to the other brought about a unity between the narrator and the reader. I felt she used several poetic devices so skillfully that the poem sat with me, and I with it.
Good poem to read.
Hugs, Liz Cheers Cyn! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Feb 25 07, 09:07
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Guest
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Congratulations on your Member Choice and IBPC Nom!! And good luck with IBPC!
Cathy
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Feb 26 07, 16:45
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Congratuations Cyn, This is a striking poem and well deserving of any applause and praise. Best Wishes, and great admiration for some very fine poetry.
Liz
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Feb 26 07, 18:12
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 322
Joined: 20-August 06
From: Minneapolis, Minnesota
Member No.: 217
Real Name: Timothy Blighton
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:justdaniel
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Cyn,
Yes, deserving praise, to a deserving poetess and poem. Well done!!
~tim
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Feb 27 07, 05:37
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Congratulations Well deserved! Snow
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Feb 27 07, 05:49
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Congratulations.
A feather in your cap
Best of luck!
John
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