SOLO MONDO, Japanese forms Options

[Cybele]

SEARCHING


   our favourite walk;
   lengthening autumn shadows
   trail on grass, but where is yours ?

   your voice remembered
   whispers softly on the breeze,
   “What we were, will always be.”



   Copyright Grace Galton October 2004

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace.

I know this is carefully written to form but - you know me - ignoring that:

It took me quite a few reads to understand the poem - I kept failing to see that the last line specifically answered the first. I shall apply for Membership of The Thick Club tomorrow, as soon as the shops are open.

This is quite splendid. It seems lyrical and almost pastoral at first but the  poignancy of that last line is very strong. The thought that the (however) departed's favourite walk was the walk of life is quite brilliant. It transforms what looked like a nice, well-written poem into something much more important.

A great effort; well done.

James.

Oh, yes:
Anything negative? No
Any suggestions? Yes, don't let anyone persuade you to change a word.

James.

[Cybele]

Good Morning James, my friend,    

Thank you for your kind words.  I was so glad you realised that this was not just a stroll in the park but our whole lives together, I wasn't sure if that would come across. It takes perspicacity to pick that up so cancel your Membership application !!!

I wrote the first verse as a senryu (Japanese verse, like Haiku which concerns nature, but senryu concerns human beings),

Because I asked a question, Daniel suggested that I could turn this into a Solo Mondo (sorry to throw all these at you at this time of the morning James ) which consists of two katauta (stanza of 5/7/7/ syllables.) The first katauta asks a question, the second provides the answer.

I KNOW, when I first read that it was as clear as mud .      

Talking of that, just to muddy the waters a little more, a katauta/mondo is a piece written by two poets ~ one asks the question in the first katauta and the second one answers in the second katauta.

Got that James?  Great, then you can explain it to me

Lovely to hear from you.

Loce

Grace

[JustDaniel]

Except for his Thick membership, I fully agree with James.

The only reason I had not responded to it earlier, Grace, is that I'd had mixed thoughts:

Did she post it here by mistake, intending to post it for critique?

Did she intend to post this in Mondo/Sedoka?

Did she intend to post a new tile:  Solo Mondo  (Which I think is a great idea, but you'd have to have a Mod change the title)

Anyhow... You've followed up my suggestion most wonderfully.  This is a keeper that only lacks one thing... a frame.

deLightfully, Daniel  :sun:

[Cybele]

Good morning Daniel.

Did she intend to post a new tile:  Solo Mondo  (Which I think is a great idea, but you'd have to have a Mod change the title)

I didn't know I had to do that in Karnak Daniel since there are so many different poetic tiles, I just thought that Solo Mondo should be posted separately from katauta/mondo.

What do you think I should do? I don't want to contravene any rules.

Love

Grace

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi all!

I had moved Grace's earlier post and merged it with Sedoka/Mondo thread - but I se the question above, so I've changed the title on this thread to "SOLO MONDO" so others can start posting here too..

Cheers!
Cleo :blues:

[Guest_Jox_*]

Grace, Hi.

Thanks for your reply (thanks also to Daniel - more confidence in my present IQ than I have!)

I am still trying to master the Limerick after three long years at the Poetry School in Limerick.

I do agree that these simple, Japanese, forms have appeal but I prefer to read others' attempts rather than compose my own (though I occasionally dip the proverbial toe).

In the hands of you two - Grace and Daniel - I think these forms radiate poise, poignancy and poetry. I shall admire your works but leave the bones of construction to The Master Builders.

Thank you.

(N.B.: For mixed metaphor watchers this means that Grace's and Daniel's hands are better than my toes! Also that builders still use bones - don't ask!)

James.

[JustDaniel]

Dear, thoughtful Queen of the Nile...

patronage

Cleo...patroness
is there nothing she cannot
do, or do for her servants?

we struggle upstream
while she barges in betimes
casting her beauty on us
:pharoah2

Dear James...

go finger

not polite to point
even with one's smelly toes;
demeaning our hands?

we will build you up
if you care to come mondo;
bony hands still can

Dear Grace...

Thank you for posting your piece, since I'd thought for several days we should have a separate Solo Mondo tile ... and a Mondo tile too ... to do follow-ups for each other!

Here's proof that I was dragging my feet in starting the thread myself:

missive

one dimensional
black and blue words on paper;
how can they inflict, beat red?

letters to an edge…
on innocent pale parchment
cut to quick, piercing retort

© MLee Dickens’son 26 Oct 2004

deLightingly, Daniel  

[JustDaniel]

MAYDAY

maybe we’d better
ask someone for help… or scream;
you think they’ll even notice?

does anyone hear?
are we talking with ourselves,
yammering to emptiness?

© Daniel J Ricketts 02 May 2005

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi

This is an interesting form which I'd never heard of before.  I do like to read the Japanese forms, they have a wonderful harmony and simplicity to them and when the words of the poem are  tranquil it feels almost like doing poetic Tai Chi.

Grace - I love the last line of your mondo it is very poignant

“What we were, will always be.”
even though your partner has died, what you had together can never be taken away.

Nina

[JustDaniel]

my sense-less mondos
may whimper on in silence;
must they do so Grace-lessly?

ah, brilliant postcards
from scenic journeys about;
perhaps one day I'll write one