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I Want to Hide |
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Guest_Nina_*
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Jul 19 06, 16:36
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Guest
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Hi Carol
Sadly you cant hide from this however unpleasant and upsetting.
The only nit is with the last line:
I want to run from
It seems incomplete.
Nina
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 19 06, 18:12
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Hi Carol,
Very well expressed ... sad, yet hopeful. As you say;
extends our golden years and shelters life,
My only question is, what do you want to run from? The life that is being sheltered? Am I missing something somehow? Your last line seems incomplete and is the flip-side of the security and warmth I felt in the above lines. Of course, after thinking about it and trying to put myself in your place there's probably alot I would want to run from too.
I want to run from.
Keeping good thoughts ...
Cathy
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Jul 19 06, 20:35
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,591
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Carol, it is hard to critique a statement of real-life struggle as this one, methinks. I want to run and hide too... and I can feel your desire to do so in your words quite vividly. Poetically, the bald statement of L4 seems perhaps too direct, though it certainly identifies the issue quite clearly. Poetically, I just think it might otherwise be hinted at, especially since you hint at it in S2. I'm not sure, however, what to suggest, except some punctuation and parallel speech suggestions... and perhaps a clarification of the end line (unless I've misunderstood it). QUOTE(ArtesiaMeeks @ Jul 19 06, 14:04 ) [snapback]79076[/snapback] I want to run and hide like the wild[,] wayward wolf. I want to shirk the burden we’re facing...renal failure.
His manual-plastic kidney(,) daily cleanses ing, exchanges, ing extends our golden years and shelters this life(,) [ ... if I understand your intended meaning ]
I want to run from. perhaps needing more Light too, Daniel
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Jul 19 06, 21:23
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Hello Carol, Reading this reminds me that care taking can take everything out of the care giver, especially watching the person you love suffer daily. And unfortunately, this is a common thought or feeling that overwhelms the care giver at times. There is lots to relate to here. I liked the word shirk, would have thought also the word skirt, might be another way to say fun and hide, Some further thoughts to follow... Best Regards, Liz QUOTE(ArtesiaMeeks @ Jul 19 06, 18:04 ) [snapback]79076[/snapback] I want to run and hide like the wild wayward wolf. I want to shirk the burden we’re facing...renal failure.
L2, great image to compare the need of getting away.. "... wild wayward wolf' ... implying that underlying sense of guilt when the feeling of running away. I would suggest weeding it out, focusing on these stronger images..
Example:
I want to run. hide away like the wild wayward wolf, to shirk the burden we're facing...renal failure.
His manual-plastic kidney, daily cleansing, exchanging, extends our golden years and shelters life,
Perhaps you had intended the mechanical tone and descriptions through this stanza, to emphasis the mechanical needs to sustain life.
Example:
Manual-plastic kidney cleansing daily, exchanging; extending our golden years and shelters sustained life.
I want to run from.
This felt an odd ending. I suppose you were going for the open ended ending... Leaving the wealth of imagination using the word 'from' ... However, it really doesn't work here. I would suggest considering adding a definitive word that would striking for the reader and memorable.
Such as... I want to run from myself...
© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks Good Luck Carol. Best Regards for both you and your husband. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts... Best Regards, Liz
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Jul 20 06, 05:57
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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Carol,
I read this several times with emphasis on your last line....
I want to run from.
At first I thought it was incomplete, but after pondering if for awhile, perhaps your intention was for the reader to begin creating images in their mind of all that could possibly be lost if we were in the same situation.
Your poem, although brief, drives home its message of sacrifice and the desire to escape this impacted lifestyle.
JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Jul 20 06, 08:36
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Also Carol, I could have swore that this poem was posted in Seren's... Perhaps old age is getting the better of me. I will move this into Seren's, as it is Free verse. Rhyme/Meter - Or Formed.
Amethyst
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Guest_Dove_*
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Jul 25 06, 00:08
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Guest
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i really liked this...maybe its my type of poetry i like? don't know...but i wasn't confused at all. fav. part: I want to run and hide like the wild wayward wolf. nit bit: only 2. maybe add a comma after the first line and if you want to lose some of the confusion about the end maybe lose the word "from". your choice. IMHO i liked the openess. QUOTE(ArtesiaMeeks @ Jul 19 06, 13:04 ) [snapback]79076[/snapback] I want to run and hide like the wild wayward wolf. I want to shirk the burden we’re facing...renal failure.
His manual-plastic kidney, daily cleansing, exchanging, extends our golden years and shelters life,
I want to run from.
© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks -dove
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Aug 13 06, 15:14
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Carol. This is a poignant piece - How are you coping? It's a difficult adjustment to make and your poem poignantly states it in so few words. One canot help but realize that when life dishes us ailments, it certainly can change our outlook. I have a suggestion for S2 for you to ponder below. AS always, take or toss. Best regards, ~Cleo I want to run and hide like the wild [,] wayward wolf. I want to shirk the burden we’re facing...renal failure. Powerful opening – right to the point.His manual-plastic kidney, daily cleansing, exchanging, extends our golden years and shelters life, Now here I keep wanting to read this as:
His plastic kidney - a manual ritual of daily cleansing and exchanging; extends our golden years and shelters life, I want to run from. Excellent ending - I like it being it's own stanza, adds the drama to it.
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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