 THE SIGN, Wizard Award (changed to sonnet form) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jul 26 06, 11:54
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#21
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 18,591 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
I can identify, Sylvia...
I'm heading to my surgeon in an hour to have him look over my first knee replacement and a previous back surgery, as I'm quite concerned about my hip, since my mother had had to have a hip replacement, and my older sister has had one three times! I'll look forward to your further feedback. deLighting in the interaction, Daniel 
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Jul 26 06, 14:52
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#22
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Jul 18 06, 12:58 ) [snapback]79007[/snapback] Greetings, Sylvia. I did note your rhyme scheme ABBA and assumed that you meant a slant rhyme in the first stanza, and I see that is the case. As you may have gathered, I'd learned to be a kind of 'strict constructionist' with meter, so I've always 'stumbled' over others' free walk through syllables... but that seems to have become the style of things these days, so I'm in the process of getting used to it. Some things take time, and I've never been one to learn quickly, so forgive me, please. I do like one of Merlin's suggestions for the last line, since there is a half-beat missing there, and by the time you come to the end of the poem, it seems to me that the swan has become 'YOURS', so why not use the pronoun "my" there. That and a few other thoughts in graphic form: QUOTE (Psyche @ Jul 15 06, 19:53 ) [snapback]78822[/snapback] When I was young at heart and full of play, while skipping by the lake, I love Thus youngsters shrug chuckle at signs, enjoyment brash and true; I missed the precious lane that led to you, and fancied pilgrim love would Lying down beside the deep violet lake, I trace a broken heart with starry dew on heavens… - in a trance, my hopes renew, I drift, enchanted, in my white swan's wake. Lightly dreaming, Daniel  Here I am, Daniel, back from some muscle-flexing...haha....  SO sorry about your own troubles, I do hope the visit to the doc turns out to be a tranquilizing one. And yes, hip replacements are quite usual, but I see that nowadays people do fine with them, right?  So don't worry ahead of time!!  Yes, I like your idea of "owning the swan", so I've already switched to "my swan"... you zoomed in on an interesting point there.  And I think "viewed" sounds good, too, in S1, altho' I'll meditate on that one a bit.Regarding S2, Grace suggested I include "off", as in "shrug off", which I've done, so that "instances" would mean a syllable too many. Nonetheless, I'll also medidate on how that can be fixed to suit everybody !!!  I also think changing the position of "sad" in S2, L1 is right on track. I'll do it now. You're SO right, Daniel, after all, fate needn't necessarily be sad. B) I believe I had "and" in L4 of S2, but removed it, can't remember why. After all, as I used Yeats as my guide, I'm allowed all the "and's" I wish, just as Grace sticks in commas from her drawer-full of them... The only crit I don't think I agree with, is changing the tenses in L4 of S1. It's a difficult point, but I think it's a potentially, probable event in the future, nothing definitive. I interrupted this answer to you again, Daniel, because we just had one helluva hailstorm over Buenos Aires !!! I rushed around lowering blinds to protect my large windows, as the strong winds were blowing the stones against the glass...  The stones were sharp-edged and of uneven shapes, pretty large mostly. Not the usual roundish hailstones, a lot appeared to be flat, rather like razors. I hope nobody's been hurt out on the streets...  I have a half-covered patio -since I'm on the 1st. floor- and the noise on the roof was tremendous. I don't believe any holes have been bored into the roof, but it had me worried. Sorry,  I went way off topic there !!!Cheers, thank you and lots of luck, Daniel, Sylvia
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner       |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Jul 26 06, 23:34
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#23
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Hi Sylvia!
I see what you've done with the rhyme, near rhyme instead of perfect rhyme. And yes, that's allowed! *smiles* I love what you've done with the revision! It's beautiful! Cathy |
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Jul 27 06, 05:41
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#24
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,591 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Perhaps the storm was merely...
Hail to your poem! Glad your dwelling survived the praise... and it is also fine to go off point betimes, ya know? Heading to the store to purchase food for the group I lead this morning (along with a brunch of sorts) and then it's off to get an MRI of my back this afternoon. Greetings to your swan... Lightly, Daniel
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MM Award Winner |
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Jul 30 06, 13:48
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#25
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (Cathy @ Jul 27 06, 06:34 ) [snapback]79649[/snapback] Hi Sylvia! I see what you've done with the rhyme, near rhyme instead of perfect rhyme. And yes, that's allowed! *smiles* I love what you've done with the revision! It's beautiful! Cathy Hi Cathy ! Oh, that's a relief, about the rhyming part, because I'm just an experimenter at R&R. Sometimes I believe I've heard or read stuff about this or that, but I'm quite mistaken...  I'm also delighted that you like the revision... Hugs, Sylvia 
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jul 30 06, 14:06
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#26
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Jul 27 06, 12:41 ) [snapback]79660[/snapback] Perhaps the storm was merely... Hail to your poem! Glad your dwelling survived the praise... and it is also fine to go off point betimes, ya know? Heading to the store to purchase food for the group I lead this morning (along with a brunch of sorts) and then it's off to get an MRI of my back this afternoon. Greetings to your swan... Lightly, Daniel Hi Daniel ! First of all, I hope your MRI session went smoothly. I've been in those thundering tubes myself, more than once, with the contrast stuff injected into my vein... I've tried the closed as well as the open models !!! Great trip... I wonder if it's similar to being in a space shuttle?! Good luck, anyway, with the results. My sessions were due to chronic pain in the muscles. They found nothing wrong with my bones...  , which was comforting, but I still have to put up with the pain... I like the "Hail to your poem" part !!! HAHA... yes, about dwellings, some people's red tile roofs were blown to bits, as well as their windows. They have to do a whole new roofing job, can you imagine?! The damage was extensive and sort of frightening. 10.000 taxicabs with shattered windshields and dents all over the place. I can't remember such large, sharp hailstones ever before. Hail could be fun, you know, running out on the grass and picking up the little balls of ice...  The meteorologists called this phenomenom "meteorhail", meaning that we were in fact "attacked" by meteorites made of ice. Lots of people ended up in hospital with cuts on their heads or faces. Can it be the climate changes? Thank you, Daniel of Light, for bringing fun & light to this forum. Good luck !! Sylvia
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Aug 19 06, 10:21
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#27
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Congrats Sylvia on your wizard award winning tile!
 Well done!   ~Cleo :) ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Aug 19 06, 12:32
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#28
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Aug 19 06, 17:21 ) [snapback]81291[/snapback] Congrats Sylvia on your wizard award winning tile! Well done! ~Cleo :) Hey, Cleo, two great surprises on one Saturday morning !!! It's too much... Thank you so much ! I never thought I'd get a Wizard plaque in R&F forum...  Hugs to all who've helped me with this. I see that I haven't yet posted the original, nor quite finished the Revision.... please forgive, it's not only lack of time, I find that I simply forget...  Sylvia
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Aug 19 06, 12:35
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#29
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S!
  From Bev (Peterpan)
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Aug 19 06, 13:17
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#30
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (Peterpan @ Aug 19 06, 19:35 ) [snapback]81336[/snapback] C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S! From Bev (Peterpan) Thank you, Bev !! So much is going on this morning at MM, that I haven't had time to do any homework on my postings, nor to say "thank you" for the highly useful crits... nor to read other people's work.... Will do !!! Hugs, Sylvia
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 19 06, 13:57
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#31
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Congratulations on your Wizard Award!!
Cathy |
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Aug 19 06, 17:08
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#32
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Congratulations and well deserved!
Snow ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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Sep 4 06, 18:43
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#33
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Thank you, Cathy dear! Never thought I'd get the Wizard in R&F. Must be because my poem had masses of errors !!!!
Hugs, Syl
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Sep 4 06, 18:47
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#34
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Eisa! Maybe I'll hang around this forum, after all....
Hugs, Syl I apologize for my slowness in replying, can't be helped, life's a bumpy road... 
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Sep 5 06, 07:25
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#35
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,591 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
... and I'm glad to see that you're following the doc's orders... and my selective nerve block (as a result of the MRI) seems to be working on relieving some of the problem in my leg and hip so far.
Love in Light, Daniel P.S. 9/7 ... and I'm having the second one done tomorrow afternoon! (It was unrelated... but it didn't help that I fell out of bed last night... and it's king-sized! ... and is about 4 feet off the floor. Landed on my back [cut and bruise] and my right knee [replacement]. Didn't feel too good, but just bumped, blackened and blued.)
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MM Award Winner |
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Sep 7 06, 07:15
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#36
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Hi dear friend Sylv,
Congratulations!! Very well deserved. Sorry I'm late. Been trying to finish off the last stories for my chapbook. 58 down and 2 to go! ······· ······· Love
Grace  http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner |
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Sep 15 06, 11:07
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#37
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Sep 5 06, 14:25 ) [snapback]82523[/snapback] ... and I'm glad to see that you're following the doc's orders... and my selective nerve block (as a result of the MRI) seems to be working on relieving some of the problem in my leg and hip so far. Love in Light, Daniel P.S. 9/7 ... and I'm having the second one done tomorrow afternoon! (It was unrelated... but it didn't help that I fell out of bed last night... and it's king-sized! ... and is about 4 feet off the floor. Landed on my back [cut and bruise] and my right knee [replacement]. Didn't feel too good, but just bumped, blackened and blued.) Hi Daniel ! I seem to have missed this post of yours. Must be coz I don't wish anybody to fall out of bed.... I certainly hope all those MRI's have discovered and solved your problems, including toppling off your bed. Perhaps I should demand a second MRI also, seeing as my pains don't go away, either. Good luck, Daniel ! Sylvia 
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Sep 15 06, 11:10
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#38
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (Cybele @ Sep 7 06, 14:15 ) [snapback]82717[/snapback] Hi dear friend Sylv, Congratulations!! Very well deserved. Sorry I'm late. Been trying to finish off the last stories for my chapbook. 58 down and 2 to go! Thank you, Grace !!! And good luck with your chapbook. Is it finished now? That's a lot of stories, 58, wow... Looking forward to reading them. Hugs, Sylvia
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Sep 16 06, 01:08
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#39
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 322 Joined: 20-August 06 From: Minneapolis, Minnesota Member No.: 217 Real Name: Timothy Blighton Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:justdaniel |
A Belated Congrats Sylvia,
You deserve it!  ~tim/azurepoetry ······· ······· |
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Sep 18 06, 21:03
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#40
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,882 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (azurepoetry @ Sep 16 06, 08:08 ) [snapback]83340[/snapback] A Belated Congrats Sylvia, You deserve it! ~tim/azurepoetry And a belated "thank you!", Tim. I don't often try my hand at R&F, but with a little help from my friends... some sort of shape results! Cheers, Syl
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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