 Birth of a Tsunami - Revised - thanks Snow!, Taken from X 10 Challenge for March 13 CR*** |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Mar 18 11, 03:25
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#1
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 Greek  Posts: 743 Joined: 3-February 09 From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK Member No.: 754 Real Name: Leonora Wyatt Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:No one at all  |
Birth of a Tsunami Mother Earth laboured. Her flesh was rent, the earth moved. Her waters teamed, bringing forth the Tsunami. Daylight became flame, flame became smoke. The swirling curtain of opposing seas swept uphill, quenching the stench of the flames. The clocks stopped for Japan, returning her to the confusion of 1945 when Enola Gay made a brief sojourn in their skies, delivering a bouncing 'Big Boy' to impact upon Hiroshima. The of nuclear future of Japan - began. Words used: daylight/moved/clocks/opposing/uphill/confused/sojourn/period/smoke/impact
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Mar 21 11, 17:55
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hello Leo - it is so good to see you here and read your thought provoking poem. You have done a good job!
Mother Earth laboured. Her flesh was rent, the earth moved. Her waters teamed, bringing forth the Tsunami. Daylight became flame, flame became smoke. I love the metaphor you have used here which works so well. The swirling curtain of opposing seas swept uphill, quenching the stench of the flames. The clocks stopped for Japan, returning her to the confused period of 1945, Perhaps 'returning to the confusion of 1945' I love ' quenching the stench' when Enola Gay made a brief sojourn in their skies, delivering a bouncing 'Big Boy' to impact upon Hiroshima. The of nuclear future of Japan - began. 'Big boy' ties in nicely with the metaphor of stanza 1 The last 2 lines hold a good punch!! A very topical poem, Leo which provides food for thought at the end. Snow 
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Mar 24 11, 04:52
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#3
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Greek Posts: 743 Joined: 3-February 09 From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK Member No.: 754 Real Name: Leonora Wyatt Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:No one at all |
Good morning Eisa - I hesitated to venture here because I lack the knowledge needed to write free verse.
And yet those heart-wrenching, haphazard events did not lend themselves easily to the constriction of a set form. I thank you for your positive comments, and I see exactly what you mean with your suggested alteration, and thank you for it. Hugs, Leo ······· ······· |
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Jun 6 11, 12:51
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#4
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 Assyrian Posts: 174 Joined: 27-May 07 From: Indiana, USA Member No.: 439 Real Name: Dee Stotts Writer of: Poetry |
Perhaps "the ground moved" since you used "Earth" in your first line. Nice piece!
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