A Bitter Farewell, ...reflection on world events, Middle East, etc Options

[JLY]

3rd Revision: 8/27

A BITTER FAREWELL

Where ignorance dwells
an anger swells;
hostility wells
during anguished spells.

As strife escalates
intervention deviates;
factions berate;
conflict castigates.

As tensions elevate
discourse agitates;
dissonance debilitates
reasons to cooperate.

Power will confiscate
land it decimates;
weak assimilate;
survivors mediate.

War's always hell,
dying flesh smells;
church's chiming bells...
a bitter farewell.

BITTER FAREWELL

Anger dwells
when ignorance swells,
hostility wells
during anguished spells.

Strife escalates
as intervention deviates,
factions berate
while conflict castigates.

Tensions elevate
if discourse agitates,
dissonance debilitates
reason to cooperate.

Powerful confiscates
land it decimates,
weak assimilate,
survive, they mediate.

War’s hell,
dying flesh smells,
church bells chime
bitter farewell.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

I'm sorry it took so long to respond to this but I wasn't home most of the day yesterday and didn't get to do much on my pc. (Getting Blaise and some other things ready for tonight's Popcorn Festival Parade!)

Your rhyme and rhythm are quite pleasant. The title is very fitting. Things like this can bring on a bitter farewell when solutions can't be found. My only thought is for your last verse...

War’s hell
dying flesh smells,
church bells
chime bitter farewell.

Maybe...

War's hell
dying flesh smells,
church bells chime
bitter farewell.

I would also place a comma after 'hell'. IMO, by putting 'bitter farewell' on a line by itself lends more emphasis.

Enjoyed the read!
Cathy

[JLY]

Cathy,
I wrote this in response to the current problems in the Middle East.

Your suggestion is a great one and I am going to make that change...it will make the title stand out as you have suggested.
Thank you.
JLY

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Your welcome!

[AMETHYST]

Hi John

These is a lot strong reference here, that focuses on, as my own perception leads me to believe, it is about the wars and god aweful happenings in Isreal and then, on more closer to home-every day rages on the street, in our communities and sometimes with in the home.

The title is extremely powerful. It is what also helps me to bring it together for many situations where we stop looking for solutions and react and rely solely on our own primitive rage as it boils up and takes control.

Some thoughts below, as Cathy mentioned, the rhymes are tight and strong, the inner voice is powerful, and I also felt that your word choices enhanced the dramatic feel of the poem.

Big Hugs, Liz ...

BITTER FAREWELL

Again Great Title

Anger dwells
when ignorance swells,
hostility wells
during anguished spells.

This is a perfect, perfect starting stanza. The way it grows from leading the image of anger stirring within us, as it builds, then gets beyond us during negative moments.
Not a nit here.

Strife escalates
as intervention deviates,
factions berate
while conflict castigates.

I wasn't too sure of the word factions. I am not sure of the meaning you intend here. I will wait to see what that is before further suggestions on it.

Tensions elevate
if discourse agitates,
dissonance debilitates
reason to cooperate.

I would omit 'if' in L2,
L4, 'reasons'?


Powerful confiscates
land it decimates,
weak assimilate,
survive, they mediate.

L1, perhaps ..
Power confiscates
or 'the powerful confiscate'
a comma after it in L2.
poss change 'weakness assimilate'

War’s hell,
dying flesh smells,
church bells chime
bitter farewell.

perhaps L3, 'a bitter farewell'

I hope I've left something helpful..

Hugs, Liz

[JLY]

Liz,
Thank you. You gave me those little hints that will make this even better.

When I used "factions", I am referring to that often used phrase "warring factions".

I am going to tweak this one gently as I think if I change it too much, I might lose its impetus.

JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

Although the revisions were minor, they really improved on those minor stumbles... I like this in that it is full of forceful images, the short lines emphasize the passion behind the words...

:)

Hugs, Liz

[JLY]

Liz,
Thank you; this poem only needed the very slightest changes to make it stronger. Your assistance was most helpful.
JLY

[JustDaniel]

There is a great deal of power and angst in this, John, but it doesn't flow as well as most of your pieces. To me it seems to have almost the feeling of a list of things. It's closeness to meter also seems interrupted by lines unbefitting of the expected flow. Do you mind if I just play with it alongside you? I don't know how else to share my feelings.

A BITTER FAREWELL

Anger dwells
when ignorance swells,
hostility wells
during anguished spells.

When ignorance swells
an anger dwells;
in anguished spells
hostility wells

Strife escalates
as intervention deviates,
factions berate
while conflict castigates.

As strife escalates
intervention deviates
and factions berate;
conflict castigates.

Tensions elevate
discourse agitates,
dissonance debilitates
reasons to cooperate.

As tensions elevate
discourse agitates;
dissonance debilitates
reasons to cooperate.

Powerful confiscates
land it decimates,
weak assimilate,
survive, they mediate.

Power will confiscate
land it decimates;
the weak but assimilate;
surviving, they mediate.

War’s hell,
dying flesh smells,
church bells chime
a bitter farewell.

War's always hell
as dying flesh smells;
spires' chiming bells...
a sour farewell.

Lightly walking through with you, Daniel

[JLY]

Daniel,
I like how you have revised this poem; I think you gave it a little more smoothness. It may have been too edgy in its original format.
Thanks,
JLY

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, John...

but we both know, of course, that only YOU can revise this poem. I and others can merely share our perspective and workshop it with you! So my posting is merely a snapshot of my perspective of your words. You may use them, bend them, glue them, toss them, reshape them... any way you like to continue to fashion and hone your conception into your poem.

deLighting to share in the process, Daniel

[JLY]

Daniel,
I will reshape them a bit with suggestions brought forward by yourself and several others.
JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John.

A timely and powerful piece here! Profound title, good rhymes (one booboo below to swap).

I know you aren't into minimalistic poetry too much, however, I had an idea below that carries through the whole poem. Please take or toss as you wish.

Marveled by this one,
Cleo


Anger dwells[,]
when ignorance swells,
hostility wells[-]
during anguished spells.

Strife escalates[,]
as intervention deviates,
factions berate [-]
while conflict castigates.
(fresh word choices)

Tensions elevate[,]
discourse agitates,
dissonance debilitates[-]
reasons to cooperate.

Power [s]ful confiscates
land it [they] decimates,
weak assimilate[-]
survive[rs] they mediate.

War IS hell,
dying [rotting] flesh smells,
church bells chime = Rhyme is off – suggest:
church-chiming bells[-]
a bitter farewell.

[Cleo_Serapis]

One more thought John in S1: You use two variables in 'Anger' - how about 'during distressed spells' in L4?

[JLY]

Lori,
This one goes against my grain...I am definitely not one to minimize words...for me the more the merrier.
I need time to digest your suggestions and see how they play out. I will work on a revision and post it in a few days.
Thanks,
JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

No worries John.

As we all say, your poem is your own - so YOU must make the choices as we go...

HUGS
Lori