 A Dream, terza rima |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
| Guest_Pygmalion_* |
 Oct 7 03, 14:53
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#1
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A Dream (revision 2) Your teasing mouth that dances on my lips Excites my heightened, chronic thirst for you; You give your love in tiny little sips. I seek your mouth to forcefully subdue and bring an ending to your playing coy. My purpose now is only to pursue. Caresses, whispers, moans of mounting joy are surging, climaxing – Oh, Yes, My Love! The ecstasy seems endless to enjoy… Intensive pleasure rivals far above All other delectations that excite. We cuddle in the afterglow like doves. Between us lies the promise of delight. With ardent words of lust and love, your soft and pleasing touch explores me through the night. I slowly wake, emotions held aloft; My love has gone; my love she'd surely scoffed. (revision 1) Your teasing mouth that dances on my lips Excites my heightened, chronic thirst for you; You give your love in tiny little sips. I seek your mouth to forcefully subdue and bring an ending to your playing coy. My purpose now is only to pursue. Caresses, whispers, moans of mounting joy are surging, climaxing – Oh, Yes! My Love! The ecstasy seems endless to enjoy… Intensive pleasure rivals far above All other delectations that we know. We cuddle in the afterglow like doves. Between us lies the promise of a rainbow With ardent words of lust and love, your tender And pleasing touch explores and leaves me mellow. I slowly wake and look around with ardor, My love has gone, I am left to wander. Your teasing mouth dancing on my lips Excites my heightened, chronic thirst for you, You give your love in tiny little sips. I seek your mouth to forcefully subdue and bring an end to your playing coy. My purpose now is only to pursue. Caresses, whispers, moans -- mounting joy Is surging, climaxing – oh, Yes! My Love! The ecstasy seems endless to enjoy… Intensive pleasure rivals far above All other delectations that we know. We cuddle in the afterglow like doves. Between us lies the promise of a rainbow With ardent words of lust and love, your tender And pleasing touch explores and leaves me mellow. I slowly wake and look around with ardor, My love has gone, I am left to wander. |
  
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Oct 7 03, 15:40
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
WOW "P"! :dance:
Quite an exciting intro - WELCOME TO THE MOSAIC! :grinning: What a kicker ending! I like the unexpected and this steamy piece certainly is rewarding! No time for a crit at this moment, but will be back!  ~Cleo :pharoah: ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
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| Guest_Pygmalion_* |
Oct 8 03, 19:37
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#3
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thanx for your comments, cleo!
in keeping with ip, i have put up a revision. whatcha' think? thanx! deb :) |
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| Guest_Jox_* |
 Oct 8 03, 19:50
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#4
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Hi Deb - I've just said a bigger welcome on Alan's Early Morning Tea thread - but now I've seen your own offering I can welcome you again.
I liked this. It is subtly and intelligently erotic. Between us lies the promise of a rainbow With ardent words of lust and love, your tender And pleasing touch explores and leaves me mellow. I have to be a little careful what I say here... that rainbow is excellent and most unexpected. DH Lawrence wrote The Rainbow (very apt) and it also brings to my mind the explosion of colours and light filtering through moisture - very evocative indeed. I slowly wake and look around with ardor, My love has gone, I am left to wander. Pity - but a hell of a dream! (Beats mine about an army of marching paint tins any day... would you consider a neural upload?) I enjoyed this; I have no suggestions for a change. Heck, I’m still mulling over all your suggestions! Well done. J. |
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| Guest_Pygmalion_* |
Oct 9 03, 16:26
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#5
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hi jox,
i'm feeling already that you & i are old friends. we must have known each other in a previous life! thanx so much for your comments. i had not read "The Rainbow" by d.h. lawrence before. i tried to find it online after i read your critique but only able to find a part of it, then i needed to buy into their membership before i could read more, darn it! i felt the rainbow in my poem covered several things; the splash of color & life associated with it, and the rainbow is the symbol (here anyway) of gay/lesbian culture. though i generally write poems like this in first person, thereby letting the reader put him/herself into the poem, i write them to another woman, and here, i wanted to indicate that in some small way. again, THANK YOU for your comments! truly, truly appreciated! deb 
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| Guest_Pygmalion_* |
Oct 14 03, 17:34
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#6
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i have revised this poem & would appreciate any comments anyone would like to give.
THANKS! deb
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| Guest_Jox_* |
Oct 15 03, 11:00
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#7
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Deb, Hi.
The Rainbow should be available from most public libraries. I don't know if the Museum or University of New Mexico has it on-line - DH Lawrence is burried there. Or Nottingham University (UK) - he taught there (in fact in the building in which I took some of my finals). All worth a try anyway. Thank you for your reply - see you soon. James. |
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Oct 16 03, 06:42
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#8
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Deb
Hmmmm............ A poem of passion....  :devil: Arnie  :troy:
······· ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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| Guest_Zeus²_* |
Oct 16 03, 17:47
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#9
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Deb,
you have not seen me here for a while. Reason I am back, is I just wrote a love poem too. But it doesn't surpass your amorous and sensuous poem. Sometimes there are happy endings, and/or an empty bed. Z man
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| Guest_Pygmalion_* |
Oct 17 03, 10:36
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#10
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hi zeus & arnie!
thank ya'll for reading & giving me your comments. i truly appreciate you & them. thanx again, deb
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