STEPPES** Revision**, thoughts while wandering Options

[Psyche]

REVISION



Brown unmoving steppes
hypnotise in noonday light:
prickly brushwood,
arid rock,
thirsty silent earth.
Their unrelenting semblance
and mesmerising hues,
appear to implore
from a numbness or a void,
that hunger for some transcendent passion
offered up by mine own heart
or stolen from the unreal dome
of startling blues.

Some godly meaning in the skies
revealed only to my patient eyes.


Note: One day it dawned on me why I'd used 'mine own heart'. I think it was thanks to
Antony (greenwich) who said I'd picked up on the spiritual attachment to the place. And that's true, I have an enormous spiritual attachment to it, so using an archaic phrase came straight from my soul, it just feels right that way and a poet can do that sort of thing. Sylvia Plath, whose poems are stunning IMO, has often strayed from common ground. Wish I could write like her!


Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2016.



ORIGINAL


STEPPES

The brown unmoving steppes
hypnotise in noonday light:
prickly brushwood,
arid rock,
thirsty silent earth.
Their unrelenting semblance
and their mesmerising hues,
appear to be a craving,
numbness or a void,
that cries out for some transcendent passion
offered up by mine own heart
or stolen from the unreal dome
of startling blues.

Some godly meaning in the skies
revealed only to my patient eyes.

Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia, 2016.

[greenwich]

A wonderful poem. I feel the drama of the location, which is a very rewarding experience, as you pick up on the spiritual attachment to the place. Thank you

[Critter]

There is a simplicity and depth here at the same time. "heart" may be a bit cliché. For me the key is "arid rock". Many years ago I was in Argentina and the one thing that struck me was the difference between the mountains there and here. Even although the Rockies are still growing they are generally so much more weathered than the areas I visited in Argentina where the rocks were jagged and difficult to navigate. I suspect there were other more weathered areas and it had to do with rainfall and rain shadows. In any case the term "arid rock" transported me which is what poems should do.

[Eisa]

Wow! I like this one Syl! It's so descriptive I feel I am standing there with you.

A nice tight poem. Perhaps a couple of tweaks might tighten it more (although probably not needed) My thoughts below.

The brown unmoving steppes

Sometimes it has been suggested to me, not to start a poem with 'The' Dunno! However your first line could manage without it

hypnotise in noonday light:
prickly brushwood,
arid rock,
thirsty silent earth.
Their unrelenting semblance
and [their] mesmerising hues,

2 their's close together - 2nd one could be deleted

appear to [be a craving,] crave
numbness or [a] void,

delete above for more conciseness

[that cries]crying out for some transcendent passion

I don't like too many -ing words, but here it seems to make the line more direct somehow

offered up by mine own heart

Heart is a bit cliché - perhaps essence (or a metaphor)

or stolen from the unreal dome
of startling blues.

perhaps another word for blue - cerulean or another.


Some godly meaning in the skies
revealed only to my patient eyes.

Thought provoking ending, Syl. A stunning poem. Really enjoyed this one.

Hugs
Eira

[Luce]

Nice one Syl.

Not much to crit here. I do agree with Eisa's nits though. However, I would like to add one more.

I think you mean "my" not "mine".

Luce

[Psyche]

Thank you, Antony. I really do have a spiritual attachment to the vast steppes in the southern-most part of my country. I grew up nearby. I learnt to drive an old jeep along dusty roads. There was nothing to crash into! Fortunately, I was raised on an irrigated apple farm, shady and beautiful.

A wonderful poem. I feel the drama of the location, which is a very rewarding experience, as you pick up on the spiritual attachment to the place. Thank you

[Psyche]

Thanks a lot, Joe. I'm glad those two words transported you in time to when you visited Argentina long ago.
Our 'cordillera' or Andean mountains, traverse the whole length of Argentina, so there are various types to be seen.
We even have what look like tropical forests in the cold south, because gentle rains fall continuously, feeding undergrowth on the slopes of the tree-covered mountains. Beautiful but difficult to explore. Only the indigenous peoples know them well.
I wont garble on forever...the subject fascinates me.
Will think about 'heart'.
Syl

There is a simplicity and depth here at the same time. "heart" may be a bit cliché. For me the key is "arid rock". Many years ago I was in Argentina and the one thing that struck me was the difference between the mountains there and here. Even although the Rockies are still growing they are generally so much more weathered than the areas I visited in Argentina where the rocks were jagged and difficult to navigate. I suspect there were other more weathered areas and it had to do with rainfall and rain shadows. In any case the term "arid rock" transported me which is what poems should do.

[Psyche]

Thanks a lot, Eisa, for your suggestions.

Some excellent ones, which I shall have to mull over. Not tonight!

As with the issue of no punctuation (which I use sparingly) I also don't like very tight poems. You know, removing all the articles, conjunctions, pronouns or whatever!! LOL. Didn't know about not starting a poem with 'the'. That's easily fixed.

Yes, 'ing' should also be used sparingly. But sometimes it's handy. Tx!

Hugs, Syl

[Psyche]

Thanks for dropping over, Luce.

'mine own heart' is a slightly old-fashioned way of saying 'my own heart'. It seemed to flow smoothly this way, so I shall have to think about it. Wanted to give the line a better balance.

I'll be posting a revision once I've had time to muse over these issues. Always grateful for everybody's input.

Syl

Nice one Syl.

Not much to crit here. I do agree with Eisa's nits though. However, I would like to add one more.

I think you mean "my" not "mine".

Luce

[Critter]

I too have never heard the "the" thing...and I have heard a lot of criticism... I believe it though although (like with a lot of things) I may tend to disagree. It is a little word and should not be used too much but OTOH it does serve to elevate an object to a particular thing. "The bird sings..." is something different than "Birds sing..." I think using "the" isolates and focuses which is something a poet wants to do sometimes. But yeah, if you don't need it, don't use it, but if you do, feel free...

[Luce]

Thanks for dropping over, Luce.

'mine own heart' is a slightly old-fashioned way of saying 'my own heart'. It seemed to flow smoothly this way, so I shall have to think about it. Wanted to give the line a better balance.

I'll be posting a revision once I've had time to muse over these issues. Always grateful for everybody's input.

Syl

Nice one Syl.

Not much to crit here. I do agree with Eisa's nits though. However, I would like to add one more.

I think you mean "my" not "mine".

Luce

"My" is a possessive adjective and "mine" is a possessive pronoun. They are not quite the same. You use "my" when there is a noun following it as in, "This is my dog". In this case "dog" is following "my".

You use "mine" when the noun is first or already said "This dog is mine" / "Your dog is bad. Mine is good".

Did check some very ancient poems and even they used "mine" appropriately. .

BTW, you used "my" correctly further down the poem.

[Critter]

I have heard "mine" used this way as in 'mine own'... not sure of the origin or if it is widely used. I think it occurs particularly or most often with "heart'. It sounds like something from the Romantics...

[Eisa]

I have heard "mine" used this way as in 'mine own'... not sure of the origin or if it is widely used. I think it occurs particularly or most often with "heart'. It sounds like something from the Romantics...

Hi Syl

Yes, I've heard 'mine' used in this way too, especially with the heart.

As to starting a poem with 'The' it was just something I was told a few years ago (but doesn't mean I follow that trend LOL!) I really feel that if we listen to every trend going we might not end up with a poem we feel is ours, if you know what I mean. I agree with Joe that it is up to the writer to decide whether it is needed or not. We should never feel that we have to obey our critters - they are only offering an opinion which might be different from another persons.

I understand you not wanting too much punctuation. I used to use far too much. Also I appreciate that you might not want a very tight poem which doesn't always suit your style. Some of your beautiful descriptive poems would not be the same if you cut back too much.

Keep them coming, Syl. Your muse is working well at the moment.

Hugs
Eira

[Luce]

I have heard "mine" used this way as in 'mine own'... not sure of the origin or if it is widely used. I think it occurs particularly or most often with "heart'. It sounds like something from the Romantics...

Not the Romantics. They seemed to have used my/mine appropriately by then. For example:

I have no name:
I am but two days old.”
What shall I call thee?
“I happy am,
Joy is my name.”
Sweet joy befall thee!

William Blake

A slumber did my spirit seal;
I had no human fears:
She seemed a thing that could not feel
The touch of earthly years.

William Wordsworth

In Shakespearean times and older eras yes. They used "mine" as a possessive adjective. They, really meaning Shakespeare in this case, also wrote in double negatives and spelled words like olde for old.

Do we still do these things? No, unless it is being done on purpose to reflect an era.

This poem is written in modern English. Therefore, using "mine" instead of "my" in the line is incorrect in addition to being out of place and archaic. If she was using a more ancient voice, than it would be okay.

I know Syl said she used "mine" to balance out the line. To her the line sound more smoothly using "mine".

Ironically, using "mine" made the line stand out like a sore thumb to me because it didn't sound balance.

Folks, I am by no means a grammar queen. But, this mistake is an obvious one. It's a simple correction with little negative impact on the line.


Luce

[Psyche]

Thanks a lot, Joe, for your input. I suppose it isn't used often, but 'mine heart' is actually the opening lines of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". This hymn has been sung by lots of famous people, from Judy Garland, Joan Baez, Whitney Houston...not to mention wonderful choirs on important occasions. Yes, I've only seen it used with 'heart', but that may not be exclusively so. Here are some links, but there are many more.

ODETTA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VsE9T4Sr30

WHITNEY HOUSTON (R.I.P.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSvH4s-4sCQ

Perhaps I'll remove 'own' from my piece. Just use 'mine heart'. Even tho' I know I read it in some poems.
Tx, Syl

I have heard "mine" used this way as in 'mine own'... not sure of the origin or if it is widely used. I think it occurs particularly or most often with "heart'. It sounds like something from the Romantics...

[Psyche]

Dear Eisa and Joe,
I learn a lot from you both, thanks so much. I don't worry about crits, we all know they're the ToT kind.
And we aspiring poets are fortunate to have 'poetic license' allowed. We can also invent poetic figures, so if my grammar may not suit all tastes, it doesn't worry me. Poetry and grammar can clash sometimes.

We don't have to go back as far as Shakespeare to find the usage of 'mine heart'. It's actually in the opening lines of The Battle Hymn of the Republic. The lines were written by an elderly lady at the beginning of the Civil War in the USA. They were then sung by North and Southern armies. After that, many famous singers sang it as a tribute to soldiers, John F. Kennedy and so on. Here's a link:

JUDY GARLAND

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj8gC6kgxEg

As for the 'the' issue, I just picked up some famous poets books and found plenty of poems beginning with 'The'. Long ago, I remember counting all the 'the's' in The Waste Land, and found so many I had to laugh. That was in some other dialogue we'd had, perhaps you were here, Eisa. I agree one has to use some words sparingly, but they are there for a reason in the English language. Otherwise I call it "Tarzan speak"..
I'm off to bed now, far too sleepy for revisions!
Syl

I have heard "mine" used this way as in 'mine own'... not sure of the origin or if it is widely used. I think it occurs particularly or most often with "heart'. It sounds like something from the Romantics...

Hi Syl

Yes, I've heard 'mine' used in this way too, especially with the heart.

As to starting a poem with 'The' it was just something I was told a few years ago (but doesn't mean I follow that trend LOL!) I really feel that if we listen to every trend going we might not end up with a poem we feel is ours, if you know what I mean. I agree with Joe that it is up to the writer to decide whether it is needed or not. We should never feel that we have to obey our critters - they are only offering an opinion which might be different from another persons.

I understand you not wanting too much punctuation. I used to use far too much. Also I appreciate that you might not want a very tight poem which doesn't always suit your style. Some of your beautiful descriptive poems would not be the same if you cut back too much.

Keep them coming, Syl. Your muse is working well at the moment.

Hugs
Eira

[Psyche]

So sorry, Joe, I missed this comment on my last visit.
Yes, I also disagree with a lot of things! Still, most crits or comments inspire one to improve one's work, using a new phrase or word so that the poem 'belongs to one'.
I very much like your explanation on the matter of 'the' usage. You've made is so clear, thanks a lot.
A good rule: don't need it, don't use it. But feel free...yep!
Syl

I too have never heard the "the" thing...and I have heard a lot of criticism... I believe it though although (like with a lot of things) I may tend to disagree. It is a little word and should not be used too much but OTOH it does serve to elevate an object to a particular thing. "The bird sings..." is something different than "Birds sing..." I think using "the" isolates and focuses which is something a poet wants to do sometimes. But yeah, if you don't need it, don't use it, but if you do, feel free...

[Psyche]

Revision up.

Thanks so much to Joe, Eisa, Antony and Luce for helping me out with this one.

Some comments or suggestions inspired me to use other words, but mostly I've followed your advice.

Syl

[RC James]

Syl - Don't wish on any other poet but more of your own. "more startling blues." Gracias, R

[Psyche]

Oops, I missed your comment, Richard. A belated 'thank you' or 'gracias' for dropping by here. I may still do some tweaks, all ideas are welcome.
Syl

Syl - Don't wish on any other poet but more of your own. "more startling blues." Gracias, R