Passage (as Pantoum) Revision Options

[RC James]

I don’t pretend to know answers,
just questions occupy me now.
Saintly gestures are not an end;
trying to fathom the distance,

just questions occupy me. Now,
all forever kneels in silence,
I try to fathom distances.
As you sing on the other side,

all forever kneels. In silence,
my grieving does contain lessons.
As you sing on the other side,
those who hear you gasp and take pause.

My grieving does contain lessons,
saintly gestures are not an end.
Those who hear you gasp and take pause.
I don’t pretend to know answers.



(original pantoum)
I don’t pretend to know answers,
only questions occupy me now.
Holy gestures are not an abiding end;
I’m trying to fathom the distances.

Only questions occupy me. Now,
forever kneels in silence.
I’m trying to fathom the distances
as you sing on the other side

Forever kneels. In silence,
my grieving in itself contains lessons.
As you sing on the other side
those who hear you might gasp and take pause.

My grieving in itself contains lessons.
Holy gestures are not an abiding end.
Those who hear you might gasp and take pause.
I don’t pretend to know answers.

[Psyche]

Hi Richard,

Just passing by, as it's way past my bedtime. So glad you've posted again in this forum, with your lovely Pantoum. Is Pantouime the French name for this form? I understand it originated in France, correct me if I'm wrong.

I've only read it through a couple of times, but you appear to have deftly applied the rules.

It is also a piece to reflect on... So many issues we don't know the answers to.

So I'll be returning soon,

Cheers and take care,
Syl

[Eisa]

Hi Richard,

I've been away awhile myself and am so pleased to come back and read your Panitoume. What excellent writing! I'm not too sure of the rules, but feel you have done an admirable job. I will call back to give this another read.

Eira

[Larry]

Hi Richard,

Your post is, in fact, a Pantoum. (not Panitoume) I can’t find that word in any reference book I own and I have quite a few. Passage is very similar to the original unrhymed French variety. The name “Pantoum” is derived from the “pantun berkait” of Malaysian form poetry. Although it is unrhymed, which is no problem for me, there seems to be no enjambment from line to line; just a series of statements or observations made without sentence structure, embellishments or ideas coming to an end. Ideally, meaning can be changed through punctuation, different end-stops, etc.
I like what you are saying but instead of just being redundant while maintaining the pantoum form, you might try utilizing differences in emphasis to make the identical lines reiterative. If you want to see some examples of the form, there are a number of them in Karnak Crossing under Pantoum.

Perhaps something like this:

I don’t pretend to know answers,
only questions occupy me now.
Holy gestures are not an abiding end;
I’m trying to fathom the distances.

Only questions occupy me. Now,
forever kneels in silence.
I’m trying to fathom the distances
as you sing on the other side.

Forever kneels. In silence,
my grieving in itself contains lessons.
As you sing on the other side,
those who hear you might gasp and take pause.

My grieving in itself contains lessons.
Holy gestures are not an abiding end.
Those who hear you might gasp and take pause.
I don’t pretend to know answers.

Anyway, take or toss as you see fit.

Larry

[RC James]

Thanks Larry - It was my first attempt at the form. I was not aware that it was kosher to provide variation in the lines, as it changes meaning somewhat, but I like the effect that variation procuces here. RC