Just us ! Options

[Galadriel]

Just us.


No-one here but us.
No-one to see us remove our clothes.
No-one to scold as we walk into the water.
Just us.
The water is warm against my toes.
Gentle, enticing.
Your hand is cool within my hand.
Firm, determined.
Nothing said.
Nothing to be said.
No-one to hear.
Just us.
The fight is done.
Their arguments irrelevant.
I am yours - forever.
You are mine - forever.
What else matters now?
One last kiss.
One last, eternal embrace.
If this be sin, the sea will wash it clean.
We are here.
Just us.
This time is ours.
They cannot take it.
They cannot touch it.
Let them have tomorrow,
if they still want it.
We won’t be here to care.


© GdeY. 2009.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Galadriel, Welcome again. well first thing I see when I read this was lots of repeats...second thing that caught my eye was that every line is a sentence which is kind of distracting as that seems to limit the flow. Then there are no breaks between which again is ok but doesn't seem natural.
When you write, or at least when I do, you need to think..is this how I would say this in my natural speaking voice...if not try changing it. I think this is especially true with free verse/prose verse/ what ever you wish to call it. though there are times and ways to change the way it is perceived and that can be done with punctuation.

No-one here but us. In the first four lines you use no-one 3 times, us 3 times, unless there is a reason for the repeat I would stay away from them.
No-one to see us remove our clothes.
No-one to scold as we walk into the water.
Just us.

[We are alone, removing our clothes,
entering the water
without scolds.
Just us.] Here you have said the same thing but no repeats, easier flow, natural voice.

An even better way... is to now add color, warmth, humanity, eroticism...etc.

Let's slip the surly bonds of our disguise,
soar through waters green,
no scolds, dreams of us.

Just my take... of course these are my opinions and suggestions, the poems is yours to change or not. I can see what you are trying to say in the piece, it just seems very vague to me...lots of room to tighten up and move around in... I hope you take this in the way of help ...
Steve

[Galadriel]

Good Morning Steve,

Thank you for taking time to read and critique my poem. The reason for the repeats was to give an element of drama, emphasis, the couple have obviously suffered disapproval/prohibition for their relationship. It is meant to be a bit solemn and dark.

We are alone, removing our clothes,
entering the water
without scolds.

Yes, the first part of that would work - but not "without scolds", that is not a phrase that I would use. Will play with it, and see what happens.

I take your point about each line being a sentence - will try to rework that.

Let's slip the surly bonds of our disguise,
soar through waters green,
no scolds, dreams of us.

Sorry - but that is definite No - it is too soft and romantic for this occasion.

Thank you once again - I will revise it.

[Eisa]

Hi Galadriel - and again welcome to MM. I'm glad to be reading your work.

This is certainly a dramatic poem that held me right until the end.
A few thoughts ~

I felt the fact that each line ended in a full stop, stopped the easy flow of this a little.
I feel conciseness is the key to impact and felt that the repeated words took away from the impact this could make.

This could be divided into shorter stanzas, rather than one long one. I will divide it how it could be done and go through each stanza with more specific thoughts.

Just us.


No-one here but us.
No-one to see us remove our clothes.
No-one to scold as we walk into the water.
Just us.

Perhaps a concise way of saying no-one is here etc. may be to start with Alone ...

Alone
we remove our clothes,
no-one to see
or scold us,
as we walk into the water.


The water is warm against my toes.
Gentle, enticing.
Your hand is cool within my hand.
Firm, determined.
Nothing said.
Nothing to be said.
No-one to hear.
Just us.

Perhaps the ending could be shortened to 'we stand in silence'

The water is warm against my toes,
gentle … enticing.
Your hand is cool within my hand,
firm … determined.
We stand in silence.

The fight is done.
Their arguments irrelevant.
I am yours - forever.
You are mine - forever.
What else matters now?

Again a more concise ending

The fight is over,
arguments irrelevant.
We belong to each other
- forever.
Nothing else matters now?

One last kiss.
One last, eternal embrace.
If this be sin, the sea will wash it clean.
We are here.
Just us.

Perhaps change to 'if we have sinned ...'

One last kiss...
one last embrace.
If we have sinned,
the sea will wash us clean.

This time is ours.
They cannot take it.
They cannot touch it.
Let them have tomorrow,
if they still want it.
We won’t be here to care.

Perhaps leave L3 out

This time is ours,
they cannot take it.
Let them have tomorrow,
if they still want it.
We won’t be here to care.

A very sad ending

I hope I haven't given you too much to think about, but this has so much potential and I really like it!
Use only the thoughts that you feel comfortable with and disregard the rest.

It's so good to have you here.

Snow

[Dee]

I enjoyed this read. It is very dramatic... I'm an invisible bystander. The repeating lines were not a distraction for me... Perception is very subjective that way. Anyway... some suggestions below...

Just us.


No-one here but us.
No-one to see us remove our clothes.
No-one to scold as we walk into the water.
Just us.
The water is warm against my toes.
Gentle, enticing.
Your hand is cool within my hand.
Firm, determined.
Nothing said.
Nothing to be said.
No-one to hear.
Just us. <--- Don't think this is needed.
The fight is done.
Their arguments irrelevant. <-- I love this line. So been there.
I am yours - forever.
You are mine - forever.
What else matters now?
One last kiss.
One last, eternal embrace.
If this be sin, the sea will wash it clean. I like the previous suggestion for this line...
We are here.
Just us.<---I believe this loses power here.
This time is ours.
They cannot take it.
They cannot touch it.
Let them have tomorrow,
if they still want it.
We won’t be here to care. I love the last 5 lines. Very simple. Nice.


© GdeY. 2009.


Very gripping read. Look forward to the revision. :-)