Chagrin, Quatrain form Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Chagrin

“The game’s afoot!” I hear them say,
ahead of them I yearn to stay.
Will victory be my foray?
If only I get through this day…

My rivals stand to left and right;
their instincts sharp, their egos bright.
My view: extinct but within sight,
I’ll give the game prevailing might.

I look to find the will within
to stay the course without a ‘win’.
An embryo of past chagrin
the finish line – where I begin…

© 2005 Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest_Jox_*]

Chagrin

“The game’s afoot!” I heard them say,
ahead of them I yearn to stay.
Will victory be my foray?
If only I get through this day…

(First line is a cliche - but fine in speech.)
(The first verse makes me think of fox hunting.)

My rivals stand to left and right
their instincts sharp, their egos bright
My view: extinct but within sight
I’ll give the game prevailing might.

(I don’t understand V2, last two lines.)
(I think the last line might mean “I’ll give it my best shot?” But have no idea about L3)

I look to find the will within
to stay the course without a ‘win’,
an embryo of past chagrin
the finish line – where I begin…

(L1: The wall within??)
(L2: Ok, just finish, not win)
(L3: Lost here - we have backward time travel)
(L4: May possibly make more sense of L3 - a circular course. But circular courses are only in three dimensions - so we still have time travel).

Hi Lori: an interesting read. A race to be participated in, rather than won - and one which progresses no where - the finish line where the narrator began. There is enough here to make it really interesting but insufficient which I understand to let me in on the secret.

Thanks and I look forward to understanding more.

Clever use of just three rhymes, by the way.

J.



© 2005 Lorraine M Kanter

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

An interesting poem from the viewpoint of the underdog.

“The game’s afoot!” I heard them say,
ahead of them I yearn to stay.
Will victory be my foray?
If only I get through this day…
L1 ? I hear them say.
L2 you use them again

[add]

My interpretation of this poem is that your character would love to be on the winning side, victorious but all he/she can expect is to survive the game.

My rivals stand to left and right[;]
their instincts sharp, their egos bright[.]
My view: extinct but within sight[;]
I’ll give the game prevailing might.
his/her team (or simply he/she) is clearly outclassed (though maybe that isn't quite the right word) by the rivals and he/she is pretty sure of losing the game but will put in 100% effort

I look to find the will within
to stay the course without a ‘win’,
an embryo of past chagrin[:]
the finish line – where I begin…

This is about finding the strength within to complete the course even with out winning perhaps remembering past humiliations where that did not happen.  

I also get a sense that there is perhaps a more personal interpretation, relating to your situation at work.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

“The game’s afoot!” I {heard}[hear] them say,
ahead of them I yearn to stay.
Will victory be my foray?
If only I get through this day…

My rivals stand to left and right[;]
their instincts sharp, their egos bright[.]
My view: extinct but within sight[,]
I’ll give the game prevailing might.

I look to find the will within
to stay the course without a ‘win’,
an embryo of past chagrin[,]
the finish line – where I begin…

I like that he/she is willing to give 100% even though they
don't expect to win.  For some, the satisfaction would come
from completing something rather than actually winning.  The
finish itself is sometimes a tough accomplishment.

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Cleo,
I had 3 inches of comment which with the slip of a finger on the mouse has fanished.
My terse advice:
1) Don't destroy cadence or rhyme for clarity
2)Trust your reader to be able to interpret your meaning of a misused word when you have done it deliberately
3)If it takes a word repeated or a cliched phrase to make your poetry sound and feel like poetry, do it.
4) When you can, end a poem on a positive vein leaving the reader
with a feeling that ten times as many words of prose couldn't.

As I read your poem I believe you have done all of the above.
It's only my opinion, but I believe modern R&M poetry is being stifled by classroom mentality. The professors are out there with their red pens marking down but no gold pen to cite excellence.

I don't exactly know how to translate your concluding stanza, but I feel it and that's poetry!

Nicely done!
Cheers,    jgd

[Arnfinn]

hi Lori,

This is a Rachmaninov poem.
It goes like this.
Boom de boom de boom de boom.

A poem of determination, Lori.

Ya going ta hang-on, ya going ta deliver a right hook ,n beat
the bludgers.


Chagrin

“The game’s afoot!” I heard them say,
ahead of them I yearn to stay.
Will victory be my foray?
If only I get through this day…

My rivals stand to left and right
their instincts sharp, their egos bright
My view: extinct but within sight
I’ll give the game prevailing might.

I look to find the will within
to stay the course without a ‘win’,
an embryo of past chagrin
the finish line – where I begin…



A foot race.
Rivals left and right.


Your actualy in front, and the race is on a circular track, the start was also the finishing post; so when you get back to where ya begun, and if ya in front! YA WIN. Yeah for Lori.

 :partyfavor:  :fencing:  :fencing:


Arnie  :wizard:


Round of applause  :wave:

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Lori,

A race? Or life, the universe and everything? Excellent use of the Pandora's words, but I'm also puzzled by S2 L3. Glad the past misery leads the narator to greater determination.

Fran

[JLY]

Lori,
If "victory" is what you crave, how about changing this line to read as follows:

Will victory be my final foray?

JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks everyone for all your kind comments!

Seems we've got a few areas for re-write!

I'll be back a few days to properly respond.....
until then \
Cheers!
~Cleo