Friendly Ghosts *, Revision II Options

[Psyche]

REVISION II


I stroll through crowds,
awareness unexceptional today,
savouring aromas of ripe watermelons.
Perhaps I’ll take that yellow pumpkin
and a ½ kilo of kiwis?

Is that your face in the market?

Unpredictable, yet constant.
No confrontations.
Profile’s turned away now.
I’ll take the kiwis, Rosa,
then a watermelon and four beets will do.
No pumpkin today.

Did I glimpse your face in the market?

Blue blue eyes,
hairline slightly receding,
trim beard, whimsical air of comedy.
A good likeness, yes.
Right! 10 pesos it is...adiós Rosa,
I’ll hurry back now.
Must check in at 9 a.m.

Why do you hover in the crowds?

In appearance weightless,
you don't beset me;
a sporadic silhouette
amidst resolute shoppers.

A presence in improbable spots:
gestures in queues at the ticket office
(you loved theatre!),
the shape of a head, outlined in dimness.
One gets used to it.

Friendly features come and go:
my eyes devour them,
my heart is a crystal goblet
brimming over with fine reminiscences.

I allow ghosts to visit,
then send them on their way.

Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia. 2015.








ORIGINAL

Whose is that face in the market?

I stroll through crowds,
awareness unexceptional today,
eyeing some watermelons.
Perhaps I’ll take that yellow pumpkin
and a ½ kilo of kiwis?

It’s a familiar face. Seen it around.
Profile’s turned away now.
- I’ll take the kiwis, Rosa,
not the pumpkin today,
and I think four beets will do.

Whose is that face in the market?

Blue blue eyes,
hairline slightly receding,
trim beard, whimsical air of comedy.
A good likeness, yes.
- Right! 5 pesos it is...adiós Rosa,
I’ll hurry back now.
Must check in at 9 a.m.

And whose is that face in the market?

Standing your ground,
in appearance weightless,
a sporadic silhouette
amidst resolute shoppers.
I get visits in improbable spots:
a gesture in queues at the ticket office
(you loved theatre!),
the shape of a head, outlined in dimness.
One gets used to it.

Friendly ghosts come and go:
my eyes devour them,
my heart is a crystal goblet
brimming over with fine reminiscences.

I allow ghosts to visit,
then send them on their way.

Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia. 2015.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Syl,

This is a wonderful and mysterious poem. I especially liked the interactive interlude between those detailed and the narrator. I have some simple suggestions below. Please use what may be in line of your intentions, otherwise discard what is not.

Big Hugs, Liz

REVISION


I stroll through crowds,
awareness unexceptional today,
savouring aromas of ripe watermelons.
Perhaps I’ll take that yellow pumpkin
and a ½ kilo of kiwis?

Although the L1 is fine, maybe some reconsideration on stroll. Perhaps 'trifle' - it somehow seems to magnify the image of someone idly strolling around. light paced - this image, to my minds eye enhances L2. L2, I would just suggest a switch between awareness unexceptional. I liked the image of meandering through a market place.

I trifle through crowds,
unexceptionally aware today
savouring aromas (suggest line break)
of ripe watermelons,

Whose is that face in the market?

"Whose is" sounds improper. I kept wanting to say who's face is in the market? or whose face is that, in the market.

It’s a familiar one. Seen it around.
Profile’s turned away now.
I’ll take the kiwis, Rosa,
then a watermelon and four beets will do.
Not the pumpkin today.

Suggest omitting unnecessary words to give more punch to the line.
Perhaps:
It's familiar. Seen it around.
profile's turned away -
I look away,
"I'll take the kiwis, Rosa,
a watermelon and four beets will do;
no pumpkin today.


Whose is that face in the market?

Blue blue eyes,
hairline slightly receding,
trim beard, whimsical air of comedy.
A good likeness, yes.
Right! 10 pesos it is...adiós Rosa,
I’ll hurry back now.
Must check in at 9 a.m.

perhaps a substitution for one of your blues to give a more detailed image of the blue eyes.
I liked the movement here. I also liked that you build a sense of suspense for your reader.

Is that a changeling's shade in the market?

Standing its ground,
in appearance weightless,
a sporadic silhouette
amidst resolute shoppers.

Love this. I enjoyed how the alliteration runs smooth from the tongue. and the steadiness of imagery builds the presence of the readers expectation

I get visits in improbable spots:
a gesture in queues at the ticket office
(you loved theatre!),
the shape of another's head, outlined in dimness.
One gets used to it.

Again, weed out unnecessary words.

My visits occur
in improbable places-
gestures in queues, by the ticket office


L3 'you loved theatre!' I love this line, it tells a whole bunch of unsaid story to your tale. But not all, just enough.
L4. I didn't think it added anything. Perhaps it is a very personal reference. If so, perhaps finding a way to detail it in a way that shows more of how personal it is to the narrator.

Friendly ghosts come and go:
my eyes devour them,
my heart is a crystal goblet
brimming over with fine reminiscences.

Good stanza.


I allow ghosts to visit,
then send them on their way.

I love where you are going with the ending couplet. But I do think this can have more of a profound punch. Perhaps -

I grant ghost visits
so they can finally find their way.

Or something that shows the role that the narrator has with the visiting ghosts. Perhaps the narrator is the traveling guide for the spirit world, perhaps the ghosts are drawn to the narrators light within so she / he can send them home. Of course this is yours. These are just ideas.

Sylvia Evelyn, Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia. 2015.