Winter Moon - Haiku Options

[Guest_JohnK_*]

I think this qualifies as a haiku, anyway (5,7,5; seasonal imagery). Correct me if I'm wrong.

I was walking back from the archery shop earlier when I noticed how beautiful the moon was, surrounded by a halo of light.  I thought an appropriate line or two, and realised it was one syllable off a haiku.  Anyway, here it is:

The moon burns silver
through an ice-crystal halo.
Winter is coming.

The last line is borrowed.  There's a brilliant (and as yet incomplete) fantasy series by George R.R. Martin called "A Song of Ice and Fire", and in it the noble family that lives on the border of the frozen north have as their family motto "Winter is coming".

Anyway, comments much appreciated  :)

John

P.S. I suppose I'd better add some sort of copyright notice:

John Kearney © January 2005.

[Cleo_Serapis]

An official WELCOME TO MM John!

Yes - this is haiku and a very striking one too!  :snowflake:

You might also say "Winter has arrived." too?

Well done!
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Guest_Jox_*]

Well done, John.

It's been a tad parky today but jolly sunny. I gather your area was crisp and bright, too. I was walking the dogs on the cruise missile base at Greenham Common and all seemed fresh with the flowers starting to appear (gorse). And the bluebells and daffodils are emerging from the Winter soil now. Then you come along with this and threaten to stop all those bulbs in their tracks. Tut tut. You'll turn us into New England where it's so cold, there be Yeti.

I thought this lovely. No suggestions - just good stuff. Well done, John.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi John,

There are more haikus here in one of the non-crit forums (poetry>>karnak (poetic forms)):
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....19;t=47

There is also a senryu thread in Karnak.

As the sun set behind the icy hills, the moon was pale against the evening sky with the last of the sunlight dying on the distant Cotswolds, snowy on the higher slopes.

I think your haiku sums it up perfectly.

Fran

[Guest_JohnK_*]

Thank you all for your kind comments.  I'm glad you like it  :blush21:  :)

Cleo - thanks for the welcome.  I've been here for a week or so, and I'm growing to enjoy it very much.  Yes, winter has well and truly arrived :)  However, I noticed a few moons like this back in the late autumn, and I just wanted to use (i.e. steal) that particular phrase.

James - it has been rather crisp, as Fran attests.  I would have gone for a walk on the Malverns, but I'm feeling a bit unwell so I decided not to.  Feeding the ducks in the Winter gardens was much easier.

Fran - that's rather poetic of you (and you also James).   Thanks for the haiku/senryu links.

Enjoy what's left of the weekend everyone.  :snowman:

John

[Guest_Jox_*]

Thanks John.

Sorry to hear that: hope you improve soon.

Best wishes, James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi John

A lovely description, perfect for a crisp clear winter's night.  Hope you are soon feeling better.

Nina

[Guest_JohnK_*]

Nina and James - thank you both.  :)

[JustDaniel]

Hi, John...

and welcome to MM from an occasional dropper-in!

I think that further study will note most haiku/senryu don't use capital letters, and the "the" and "an" seemed to me unnecessary, and the period would never be used, methinks.

I see your piece more haiku-ish like this:

moon burns silver
through ice-crystal halo;
winter is coming

although "winter is coming" doesn't seem to me to be a haiku snapshot, but a commentary.  Describing something that SHOWS its coming might be more haiku-ish, something like "winter snakes in" or the like.

sharin' deLight, Daniel  

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi John and Daniel,

I'm a tad puzzled by your snake reference, Daniel.

I don't mind, you understand (John's original did use metaphor and so might I) but one aspect of translations of the Japanese Haiku form is actually to avoid metaphor - and you're suggesting using it. Since you like to "stick to form," I'm puzzled.

Yours bemused, James.

e.g. of Haiku page where this is mentioned - by a haiku poet and academic.

[Guest_JohnK_*]

Daniel,

Thank you for your comments.  I think I understand what you mean about the final line, but the words strike a particular chord in me.  I find winter the most beautiful season of all: dramatic sunrises and sunsets; the sharp winter air; snow-dusted hills.  However, there is also something ominous I find about the phrase "Winter is coming" - probably because of the associations it has within the fantasy series I mentioned.  Obviously this means it won't mean the same thing to other readers, but then conveying meaning within poetry is a tricky affair, as I learned with my previous (and as yet untitled) effort with free verse.

This poem came to me almost entirely unbidden, in exactly the form it is now.  Because of that, although I take your point about "the" and "an", I would prefer to leave it as it is.

Many thanks for your insights on more traditional haiku - this is an area of poetry I did not tackle during my time at university, and I have always meant to learn more. :)

James,

Thanks for the link. :)

Best regards,

John