Cerulean, haiku Options

[Orion]

cerulean skies
a perfect springtime picture
Easter-egg-dip-dyed

[Terocon101]

cerulean skies
a perfect springtime picture
Easter-egg-dip-dyed

Hi Jan,

Have we met in here yet? If not, the pleasures all mine, since I'm the one reaping the rewards of your lovely poem.

I've only recently been learning about haiku, so I'm probably not the best equipped here to critique your offering, but in the spirit of things, I shall be honest and try to convey what I've so-far learned(maybe learn something more myself).

Personally, I thought it was a skillful use of the 17 syllables, it uses alliteration(one of my favorite poetic devices) and has a nice rhythm.

Although the use of 17 syllables is still prevalent it is really only enforced when writing in the Japanese language. As English can convey so much more in 17, we generally use less and in fact I read one today with only 3 "Light, lights, light". Students memorizing haiku have it easy.
Also in English it is harder to use 17 without packing as in yours "a perfect springtime picture" could easily be "picture perfect spring" and say precisely the same thing.

For me there is too much action in this for a haiku. Over alliteration a little distracting, I'm often guilty of this myself. All poetic devices should be used sparingly in haiku, there are exceptions.

In terms of haiku I think the word 'perfect' tends to tell the reader instead of letting him/her make up there own mind. And perfection is of course relative.

Hope I was of some assistance, hopefully others will speak up if I've made any errors in the info I've given I'm still learning after all.

Humbly yours

Terry

[Orion]

Hello Terry,

Nice to meet you.

Glad you stopped by to share your thoughts. Learning to work with these words is quite fun, as we get to shift them around like moving furniture within the mind. The sharing is quite meaningful as learning how to rearrange the furniture is always an option. Thank you for your time/reply.

Regards,
Jan

[laryalee]

cerulean skies
a perfect springtime picture
Easter-egg-dip-dyed

Hi Jan!
It's great to see you again, and you have such
a beautiful picture here!
Also a great juxtaposition -- the connection
between the sky and the eggs, which are
obviously blue.

Now, with haiku, the idea is to offer the reader
the picture without giving all the details.
It's a joint effort... one draws the outline,
and the other fills in the gaps, so to speak.

An example:

cerulean sky
Easter eggs
dip-dyed

Now we get to visualize the springtime picture
from this....and we feel good about it!


Lary

P.S. Terry offered some excellent comments...

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Jan,

Nice to see you and welcome to our new forum!

I have much to learn about haiku myself - and my first impression was similiar to Terry's in that I felt there wasn't alot for me to 'imagine'. You tell us it's spring, & that the sky is blue from L1 (love cerulean btw).

Before reading Lary's offering, I thought of something like this:

A cerulean sky
of Easter-egg pastels;
and was trying to think of way to show us 'a perfect day' for the fragment in L3. This is the most difficult part for me as I think one needs to throw in something unexpected. From these two lines, we know it's a blue sky and its spring, but what is the 'aha' fragment to share? I can't think of something here as I'm so new to this. Perhaps something abut the wind or sun's caress, the hunt for treats, a basket, a scent of dinner cooking?

So maybe something like:
A cerulean sky
of Easter-egg pastels --
children's laughter

I'll be back!
~Cleo

[Orion]

Lary ~ and ~ Cleo
Hey there, Ladies.
Nice to see you in summer's leisure.

~

Thank you both for your visits and recommendations ~~ and your tangents of thought for consideration here. You've given grand directions to take. Of all forms, I'm intrigued by haiku.
It paints the smallest picture in our minds, and our souls are touched automatically. It amazes me that a quick overall feeling can be given or taken when writing and/or reading haiku.

Anyway, thanks to both of you for your excellent thoughts for possilby more inspiration.

~

Jan

[Terocon101]

So maybe something like:
A cerulean sky
of Easter-egg pastels --
children's laughter

I'll be back!
~Cleo

Hi Jan,

your haiku has been stirring around in my head. I think its my fondness, like Cleo, for that word "cerulean".
For me it conjured up images of blue in terms of painting but also ceramics, and those poetic Japanese vases that tell the legend of forbidden lovers turning into lovebirds so they could be together forever(but thats probably just me).
So I had to look it up and find out if it was a glazing colour term. On that front, no joy, as yet. I could only find reference to its use in oil painting of course, which does lend itself to your haiku excellently.

I also wondered if "dyed" in context of Easter wasn't some clever play on words in reference to the meaning of Easter. Again that could be just me. But I think Cleo's edit would work well in that context with a small change.

cerulean sky
dye Easter-eggs
so children laugh

Maybe a bit preachy or I've over complicated it again, I'm just having fun playing with your words and not being of any help.

Terry

[Orion]

Terry,

Thank you for making my mind go in a few directions with this little ditty.
Appreciating your time/thoughts, and I'll be back.

Jan

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Jan!

cerulean skies
a perfect springtime picture
Easter-egg-dip-dyed

Wow! There has been a LOT of furniture-moving in this tile... and even some interior decorators and furniture salesmen!

Can I interest you in some overstock we still haven't moved in our overcrowded store-room. We're getting ready for Halloween, ya know:

cerulean skies
pastel-frame a morning dip
Easter egg dye

pitchin' a skew-ball, Lightly, Daniel