 shadow, haiku |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms  |
| Guest_Kathy_* |
 May 30 07, 08:36
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#1
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REVIEW
shadow butterflies in shadow trees -- a petal falls ORIGINAL shadow butterflies by shadow trees -- petals fall |
  
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May 30 07, 11:38
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Kathy @ May 30 07, 14:36 )  shadow butterflies by shadow trees -- petals fall I'm not sure whether I like the repeat of 'shadow' so close together in such a short poem. Perhaps its just me though. Snow 
·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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May 30 07, 16:11
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#3
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Babylonian  Posts: 103 Joined: 18-April 07 From: British Columbia, Canada Member No.: 421 Real Name: laryalee fraser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Kathy Earsman |
Hi Kathy,
because I know why there are so many shadows, perhaps I can feel this one better... I'm wondering about "in" or "through" shadow trees? And also thought about "falling petals"... not sure that it works better, though. shadow butterflies in shadow trees -- falling petals hugs, Lary |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 30 07, 18:47
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#4
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QUOTE (laryalee @ May 31 07, 07:11 ) Hi Kathy, because I know why there are so many shadows, perhaps I can feel this one better... I'm wondering about "in" or "through" shadow trees? And also thought about "falling petals"... not sure that it works better, though. shadow butterflies in shadow trees -- falling petals hugs, Lary I did have 'in,' Lary, but the shadow tree was dense, so I couldn't see them 'in' it. I could cheat though! 'Falling' extends the moment, which is good. Maybe I should make it a single petal. shadow butterflies in shadow trees -- falling petal or shadow butterflies in shadow trees -- a petal falls ???? |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 30 07, 18:53
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#5
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QUOTE (Eisa @ May 31 07, 02:38 ) QUOTE (Kathy @ May 30 07, 14:36 ) shadow butterflies by shadow trees -- petals fall I'm not sure whether I like the repeat of 'shadow' so close together in such a short poem. Perhaps its just me though. Snow Snow, it's probably a bit early to introduce repetition but I wanted to show you anyway. Lary posted this link at Haiku Hut, and it excites me. http://www.worldhaikureview.org/1-2/whcessays8_8_01.shtml |
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May 31 07, 00:37
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#6
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Kathy,
I like this one very much. Actually, I have never really been one for a deep love of Haiku, and yet - I found myself very enchanted by this one. Like snow, at first it slipped my understanding for the repeat of shadow, thinking to myself another word might be more useful, but as I read the discussions thereafter. I decided to be daring and offer another suggestion. In L2, perhaps something more moving ... like flit shadow trees/or brush shadow trees (giving the moments image of the butterflies shadow, only seen because it brushes by the tree's leaves and allows movement, causing the single falling petal ... Either way, I vote for falling petal. In my mind's eye it seems more intensified in this moment - Hmmmm ... I am beginning to like the way these things get the mind thinking... Hugs, Liz shadow butterflies brush shadow trees -- falling petal ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner  |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 31 07, 01:24
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#7
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Ah, good suggestion, Emerald.
shadow butterflies brush shadow trees -- falling petal Cool. They are very addictive. I have hardly left here in the last day or two. I so badly want to give this gift to you... |
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Jun 1 07, 03:54
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#8
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Thanks for the link on 'shadows' Kathy. Wow! so interesting. As keep saying, "I have a lot to learn" -- and I'm enjoying every step.
I understand the intent in your haiku now. Thanks! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jun 1 07, 05:09
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#9
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Kathy,
How lovely!  I think I am in favor of this suggestion to make the thought focus on a single petal in our minds: shadow butterflies in shadow trees -- a petal falls As I see the shadows falling in the trees, my attention is drawn to the ONE petal, a single snapshot of nature. Well done! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Jun 6 07, 12:50
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#10
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Egyptian Posts: 388 Joined: 26-October 03 From: Southeast USA Member No.: 37 Real Name: Jan Writer of: Poetry |
Aren't these little verses so much fun? It's like a Polaroid photo--providing an immediate image delivered in a small package, little groupings of words.
Enjoyed reading your verses & replies. Jan ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
Jun 7 07, 20:07
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#11
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Snow, thanks for reading the link.
 I also have a lot to learn. Cleo, yes, I will post a review. Thanks pal. Orion, it's more like a movie generated in the viewer's memory. A memory-movie, heh. ;D Thanks for commenting, folks. |
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Jun 8 07, 18:17
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#12
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
YES, YES -
 Kathy!The subtle changes really make the difference in L2 & 3. Such a lovely image - well done! I feel like the trees are alive and dancing! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jul 3 07, 08:01
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#13
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,591 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Kathy @ May 30 07, 08:36 ) REVIEW shadow butterflies in shadow trees -- a petal falls ORIGINAL shadow butterflies by shadow trees -- petals fall Kathy, I've read this many times with deepening interest. At first I didin't grasp either the picture or the reason for the repetition, but thank you for the explanation. I am learning more to appreciate this... and I do also like the 'review' (?) -- as you call it. [ haven't heard that expression before ] It has occured to me that 'butterflies' could be conceived as a verb as well ? I wanna say here: shadow butter-flies ? flutterin' about Lightly, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner   |
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