Breeze, Haiku Options

[Guest_Don_*]

Cleo_Serapis plugging at "Haiku No. 1" prompted me to submit the 5-7-5 below.
I seldom consider Haiku because it has an insurmountable number of rules. Well, actually in other than Japanese it has become boundless. Anything goes depending upon the queen bee of the day.

Breeze

Breath in hollow tubes
whispers serene panoply;
lullaby upon spring breeze.

I am fully aware that the above is less suggestive than desired. This may be offset by being verbally vague.

Aspirate tubes
free lullabies
in panoply.

Don

[Eisa]

Cleo_Serapis plugging at "Haiku No. 1" prompted me to submit the 5-7-5 below.
I seldom consider Haiku because it has an insurmountable number of rules. Well, actually in other than Japanese it has become boundless. Anything goes depending upon the queen bee of the day.

Breeze

Breath in hollow tubes
whispers serene panoply;
lullaby upon spring breeze.

I am fully aware that the above is less suggestive than desired. This may be offset by being verbally vague.

Aspirate tubes
free lullabies
in panoply.

Don

I would say your first version is not concise enough and I prefer the 2nd version ... although I'm wondering about your aha! moment? I'll leave it to the experts to decide ... while I learn.

Glad to see you joining us in this new forum to join the fun and learning.

Snow

[Guest_Don_*]

A hearty hello Snow,

I would say your first version is not concise enough and I prefer the 2nd version ... although I'm wondering about your aha! moment? I'll leave it to the experts to decide ... while I learn.

Glad to see you joining us in this new forum to join the fun and learning.

Snow

Ah certainly appreciate your observations. I doubt if ah'll have an "aha" because mine is a takeoff of Lori's. A secondhand aha is like a joke without punchline.

To be a little punchy, I think the effort is an attempt to capture an epiphany as a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. This definition pasted from a dictionary.

One must conclude that the inspiration causes overwhelming speechlessness, which results in only a few syllables put to paper. Imagine, a professional writer of few words?

With tongue-in-cheek, I'm already discouraged knowing that most of my inspirations are commonplace and fall short of a profound "aha!" revelation.

Please be aware that I am not taking Haiku very seriously. I've tangled with this bull before and it ain't gonna get into my china shop agin.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Breeze

Breath in hollow tubes
whispers serene panoply;
lullaby upon spring breeze.

I am fully aware that the above is less suggestive than desired. This may be offset by being verbally vague.

Aspirate tubes
free lullabies
in panoply.

Hi Don and welcome to our new forum!

I think even if this isn't an official 'haiku' with all the parameters met (and I'm no expert) it would still be ok as it was INSPIRED by that form and it contains 7 lines or less, which qualify as a poem for this forum. You'd have to decide which of the two though as only one poem is allowed per post.

As for the first one, you've got a 5/7/7 which makes it over the limit for haiku - so I will focus on the second one.

Aspirate tubes (breathing tubes)
free lullabies (sings a tune)
in panoply. (a protective covering)

Hmmmm - I'm thinking this should be switched around:

Aspirate tubes
in panoply --
gratuitous lullabies


4/4/7 = 15 PHEW


I think the above might even be more considered a Senryu as it's about a person v. nature?

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cleo_Serapis,

My oh my, I didn't realize I was presenting two submissions within my babble.

I don't see any people involved. It is either about natural breeze flow in artificial instrument or about music from a man-made device. Intent is not polysemous, but rather dependent upon reader's viewpoint. If one applies the expected restriction of a nature subject, then the reader can only relate to the natural breeze flow.

My decision would be to pick the first as the "one."

Go ahead and delete remainder if you wish.

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh my!

I didn't even see the idea that it could be a musical instrument that you are intending Don (and of all people, I SHOULD have for two reasons: I am a floutist and I work for a company that's all about 'sound' as you already know).

I'm feeling a bit embarrassed for not catching that. So with that in mind, I'll tackle your first one now (and let's wait to see what others say - I am of the mindset that you are offering two ways to state the same message which is different that posting two different poems - we're all still feeling our way through this new forum.

Breath in hollow tubes
whispers serene panoply;
lullaby upon spring breeze.

Ok - in L1 - as a floutist, we would breathe (blow) OUT across the mouthpiece, not into it so exhale or respire come to mind.
So perhaps: Respire hollow tubes.
For L2, I suggest removing 'whispers' and placing it in L3.
L3 would become : whispers of Spring OR serenade of Spring.

Respire hollow tubes
serene panoply --
Serenade of Spring

Let's hear from the experts, ok?

~Cleo

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Lori,

I was thinking of the wind chime hollow tube being more like an organ pipe. Is the standing sound wave generated by air across opening of pipe or into end of it?

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

HELLOOOOO.... any experts around here?


Guys, haiku is written in simple language. It should capture the essence of a moment. Only a moment. Any philosophy coming from that is defined by the reader. The poet relinquishes all identity, all cleverness to work in symbiosis with the reader.

Juxtapose one simple image with another, or a kigo, see what happens. Just images. Show us, come on....

[Guest_Don_*]

Looks like you are the expert, Kathy.

Have you examples of kigo? What subjects are fair game? What are the minimum and maximum allowed syllables per line, and total. Must Haiku always be three lines. Are we clashing or combining two subjects or thoughts or what?

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Looks like you are the expert, Kathy.

Have you examples of kigo? What subjects are fair game? What are the minimum and maximum allowed syllables per line, and total. Must Haiku always be three lines. Are we clashing or combining two subjects or thoughts or what?

Don

Don, there are two links to kigo on Cleo's thread this morning. Have a look.

Subjects: anything in haiku, and I mean everything. The old masters wrote about a horse pissing, and other surprises.

No stipulations re syllables per line. Just 17 or less in all.

No. Haiku can be two lines, one, four, or a horizontal line. Usually it is three though.

We juxtapose, Don. Put one image next to another to generate a dynamic between them.

All this and more is in the many educational links already provided.

[Guest_Don_*]

Thank you Kathy for your patience.

Kigo seems to be equivalent to European agricultural and pastorial cycles--usually four in the west. However, it has been altered and lists exist, which I am finding difficult to fathom.

It seems the 5-7-5 pattern is considered formal and deviations are considered like free form Haiku. The latter seems to be taking over like westernized free verse popularity displacing R&M.

Your word juxaposition is a mouthful and denotes simultaneity of entities. I assume Haiku limits number of entities to two.

Much of the academic links are typically understood if you previously know what they are talking about. It is like the story of the person who said that Albert Einstein explained his theory to him, and he was convinced that Albert understood.

I am certain that Japanese are as complex and as simple as any other. So don't blame them for bare bones trends. However, I have a vendetta regarding "lean" manufacturing which we atribute to them as required to survive as Americans. Hence, undercutting the bone with Haiku is against my grain.

Thank you again

Don

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Don, 5/7/5 was a mistake from the start. Westerners misunderstood. Japanese onji are not equivalent to English syllables. And one of them is a 'cutting' word ie punctuation.

But some Westerners still write in 5/7/5

Lary and I have posted links re this already, but I'll try and locate some, put them here for you. Hang on.....

http://www.haikuhut.com/Haiku%20Definition.htm

Scan down to HAIKU

http://www.hsa-haiku.org/HSA_Definitions_2004.html

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Don,

I've been thinking: perhaps this musing of yours might be better labeled as one of the following short forms (OR you can simple say it was inspired by the short forms haiku/senryu). That way, you have liberties with not following the set params.

Hay(na)ku: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=10395
In a traditional Hay(na)ku, there are: A tercet: 3 lines. A total of 6 words: 1 in the first line, 2 in the second line, and 3 in the third line. There is no restriction on syllables or stressed or rhymes. Variations: The longest line can be placed first and the shortest last. The total is still 6 words: 3 in the first line, 2 in the second line, and 1 in the third line. Multiple hay(na)ku can be chained to form a longer poem.

OR

Faux-ku: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=2291
faux-ku must have: (1) a fetching title ~ including word-play ~ HeadCase Haiku ;
(2) haiku/senryu form [ two snapshots ] ~ 5-7-5 syllables... or 3-2-3 beats
one snapshot in two lines, another in one line or vice versa
(3) word-play in each snapshot

Whatcha think?
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Oh so much to read up on... so much learning. I am getting excited and itchy to try one on for size... with this new knowledge.

Don, I am on the other side of the fence here, sitting with you soaking up the new information and learning. So, unfortunately I can offer your post anything worthy, but wanted to say it has potential as an interesting image and room to bring into a more established Haiku format ... I will sit next to you and read/learn about it if you wouldn't mind the company!

Best Wishes, Liz

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Don, would you like me to go along beside you too? We could look at what emotion/memory/revelation you want to give to the reader.

I thought perhaps it is the music of wind.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Don, I just found this list of the five hundred essential Japanese season words, and thought of you:

http://renku.home.worldnet.att.net/500ESWd.html

[Guest_Don_*]

Thank you Kathy,

for all the encouragement and links. At this time I wish not to learn an entirely different form of prosody. At least the links and information are archived (in a sense) here for future reference when I change my mind.

Don