 car, senryu |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun's Psalms  |
| Guest_Kathy_* |
 May 28 07, 01:10
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#1
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Basically, senryu are just haiku about people. (There are lots of categories, and it gets a bit confusing, but that's the basic gist of it.)
car tunnel -- recalling others who hit the wall |
  
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May 28 07, 04:43
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#2
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
car tunnel --
recalling others who hit the wall Hi Kathy This certainly conures up vivid pictures of what happened in the tunnel. I'm wondering -- does it have to be car tunnel? tunnel -- recalling cars that hit the wall I don't know -- I'm new to this.  It's lovely to see you in this forum. Snow 
·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 28 07, 05:47
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#3
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Well, it could be, Snow. But I wanted to suggest more than one kind of 'hitting the wall.' We quite often see people here who are drug addicts, mentally ill or homeless, who can be seen in tunnels, busking or sleeping.
Sure, both are car tunnels, but I wanted to focus on 'others' rather than cars. Whenever I drive through a tunnel I think of others who hit the wall. Especially that one, and that wall. All the echoed noise and fumes, the static from my radio, the feeling of being closed in scare me a bit... |
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May 28 07, 09:45
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#4
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (Kathy @ May 28 07, 11:47 )  Well, it could be, Snow. But I wanted to suggest more than one kind of 'hitting the wall.' We quite often see people here who are drug addicts, mentally ill or homeless, who can be seen in tunnels, busking or sleeping. Sure, both are car tunnels, but I wanted to focus on 'others' rather than cars. Whenever I drive through a tunnel I think of others who hit the wall. Especially that one, and that wall. All the echoed noise and fumes, the static from my radio, the feeling of being closed in scare me a bit... aha! -- I'm with you now! Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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May 28 07, 10:52
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#5
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Kathy.
Nice to see a Senryu here!  I think I'm a bit confused with your reply to Snow? If you want to suggest more than one kind of tunnel, wouldn't you leave out the word 'car' then? Or perhaps you could replace it with 'transportation tunnel' - that way it could be for various kinds of modes of transport - like a subway too? car tunnel -- recalling others who hit the wall I was thinking of something like: 6/4/4 = 16 PHEW transportation tunnel -- recalling those who hit the wall This is very poignant, lots to think on with this one Kathy! WELCOME to our new forum!   ~Cleo   
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner   |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 28 07, 16:55
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#6
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Lori wrote:
QUOTE Nice to see a Senryu here! I think I'm a bit confused with your reply to Snow? If you want to suggest more than one kind of tunnel, wouldn't you leave out the word 'car' then? Or perhaps you could replace it with 'transportation tunnel' - that way it could be for various kinds of modes of transport - like a subway too? That's a good point, Lori. Just 'tunnel' is enough, really. Cool. tunnel -- recalling others who hit the wall QUOTE I was thinking of something like: 6/4/4 = 16 PHEW transportation tunnel -- recalling those who hit the wall ??? Lori, we use as many syllables as is needed. No more. No less. 'tunnel' is fine! QUOTE This is very poignant, lots to think on with this one Kathy! Thank you. It's coming up to ten years since that crash in Paris. WELCOME to our new forum! ~Cleo Thyank you Cleo!!! |
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May 28 07, 17:28
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#7
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Tee hee.
I thought Haiku and Senryu had to be 17 syllables or less?  This really IS gonna take a while to learn.Are you referring to Princess Diana? Yes, I was on vacation at the time and remember it being all the news that day - so sad. HUGS Kathy ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 28 07, 17:40
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#8
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Yes, Princess Diana. Maybe, on second thought, I should leave the 'car tunnel,' because others who hit the walls are secondary to my main image, which is definately a car tunnel.
Yes Lori. 17 syllables or less. Short long short looks better, but is not essential. *** Ah, you are teasing me about the number of words.  Bad girl! Baaaaaad baaaaaaaaad girl! 
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 28 07, 17:48
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#9
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So Lori, the poem about the car tunnel brings back memories of where you were at the time that you heard the news. You will feel the things you did then, see images....
See how this thing works? |
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May 28 07, 17:59
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#10
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Yes - a little tease (after all, I'm Cleopatra), LOL!
 hubba hubbaAnd YES, many memories, not just the crash, but all of it - the paparazzi, the medical findings (as vague as they are), the investigation, the politics, the funerals, Fayed's input ....... I still don't think she was alive at the scene. I have to confess though, I would't have thought of that particular crash had you not mentioned 'Paris'. I suppose if you intend this one to be of that tunnel, you could add its name: Pont de l'Alma road tunnel OR Paris tunnel??? Much to ponder. ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 28 07, 18:14
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#11
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Too specific, adding the name of the tunnel, Cleo. I think. I want people to think of it, feel it, every time they go through a car tunnel.
But yes, you have it. Cool. That was quick. |
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May 28 07, 23:51
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#12
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Babylonian  Posts: 103 Joined: 18-April 07 From: British Columbia, Canada Member No.: 421 Real Name: laryalee fraser Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Kathy Earsman |
Hi Kathy,
I thought of Princess Diana right away, so I'd choose "car tunnel". If you had just "tunnel", I'd first see earthworm holes, lol! (It's gardening season here).  And lines 2 and 3 open it up to various interpretations -- good work!  Lary |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 29 07, 01:01
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#13
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Thanks Lary.
Earthworm holes! Goodness. I'd better leave the cars in then. -blink- |
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May 31 07, 00:15
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#14
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Good Evening Kathy and all, or might I say goodmorning! :) I was just wondering the halls of our new forum. One that was built by the spirit and talents of you and Lary, and others who help to encourage and teach and grow with us in light of short formed poetry. Many (including myself, who was once known as the Cinquain Princess, because I had the deepest love for them-use them as miscellaneous thoughts) where here, I see a growing of bringing out the best of what they really are; quite challenging!
I adored this one a lot. I know only what I've read through the thread on Senryu, so bare with me! :) My first thoughts on my first read brought to mind the image of driving through a tunnel (such as in my experience, the Battery Tunnel in NY) and seeing the blackened scraps of where vehicles crashed and the imaginings that could go through someone's mind of if someone had been hurt, were there more than one car ... then, it spurred thoughts of 'hitting the wall' someone on drunk or drugged up, in those cars...I personally didn't think of Princess Diana at all - I guess I brought it more closer to home... After reading the discussion about of your intentions, my personal perference was 'tunnel' The power line here for me is L3, hitting the wall, it was linked to others means of destroying lives.. I have no other suggestions for improvement on this, as I think it is a very strong image with allows an opening for the mind to connect and build a larger meaning of each image into a whole, it leaves the reader with the opportunity to create his/her own associations. Still maintaining the original intent of the poet. I think I might have a good time trying these on, more so than Haiku, because the possibilities are endless with people. Hugs, Liz QUOTE car tunnel --
recalling others who hit the wall ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Kathy_* |
May 31 07, 01:50
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#15
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Liz, your comments are like poetry. Always. Deep and helpful.
You got it, gal! haiku should draw the reader in to complete the poem. Yours is the Battery Tunnel. All those memories and feelings come flooding. Yes. That's what haiku does. |
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