 First Snow |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Nov 24 04, 18:46
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#1
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose  |
Hello Ryan
 [marquee]        [/marquee]A really lovely first posting, and I love the way you turned the poem to sunshine with the last verse. It put a great big smile on my face.  I have only one tiny nit. The grey bellies of the gods hide a cache of frost from a world waiting for spittle L3 the word 'spittle' seems a little awkward here, with it connotation of dribbling or drooling. Perhaps there is a better word you could use? Otherwise I really enjoyed reading this poem and look forward to enjoying many more. Love Grace 
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Grace  http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner             |
  
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| Guest_motion_* |
Nov 25 04, 17:36
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#2
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Grace,
Thank you for your kind reply and welcome. I will consider your suggestion about changing "spittle". I can see your point about the drooling thing, I was kinda stuck on a wordchoice there. motion :D |
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Nov 25 04, 18:41
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#3
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 764 Joined: 18-October 04 From: Sabah, Malaysia Member No.: 80 Writer of: Poetry |
This is very abstract ; I read it through many times trying to figure out what it means. Of- course in the case of an abstract poem each reader has their own interpretection of it. :pharoah2
In this brief poem the poet conveys a message which is very intrique and the last stanza is saying something naughty in a nice way.But of-course I may be wrong.   Lai ······· ······· |
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| Guest_motion_* |
Nov 25 04, 19:15
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#4
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Lai,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Yes you are off the mark on the last stanza, I meant nothing naughty. I think that you are right about this being open to interpretation and that was my intent. I wanted the reader to ponder the contrast I was presenting. I also think that you may have been trying to read to much into it. A little abstraction is not always a bad thing. ;) Thanks again for your thoughts! motion :D |
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Nov 26 04, 00:53
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#5
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 764 Joined: 18-October 04 From: Sabah, Malaysia Member No.: 80 Writer of: Poetry |
Motion,
I am not at all surprised that I made the wrong deducion for the last stanza. As you have said I may have read too much into it. A little abstraction is certainly not bad at all, in fact, I consider it of a higher level than just stating plain facts. I may be curious to hear you tell us about your poem but I rather you not and let the other readers have a go at it. Lai ······· ······· |
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Nov 26 04, 02:58
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#6
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,660 Joined: 23-August 03 From: Somerset, England Member No.: 22 Real Name: Grace Writer of: Poetry & Prose |
Good morning Ryan,
That last word in stanza 1, could it be something like rain or relief or spring or solace ??? I saw no ambiguity in the last stanza Ryan, I naturally assumed that your wife was going to present you with a child - very shortly!  Love Grace
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Grace http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings! MM Award Winner |
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Nov 27 04, 18:40
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#7
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hello Ryan,
Welcome to MM. Hope you enjoy being a member here. You start this off with some originilaty. I enjoyed the mythical images in connection with nature. Your last S had me puzzled with the reference to (my wife) . Why not keep in with the theme and say something like: "The warm belly of Aphrodite heats up the dormant sun " Well she was the goddess of love... Enjoyed this one. Welcome again Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner  |
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| Guest__* |
Nov 28 04, 03:16
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#8
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Dear Ryan,
Welcome ! I have some somments and thoughts for you. Feel totally free to ignore everything I offer, it is only of use if YOU agree : The grey bellies of the gods hide a cache of frost from a world waiting for spittle -- spittle does seem totally off, how about drizzle ? In fact the whole verse could be tightened up : Grey-bellied gods hide frost-cache from a world waiting for drizzle Gravity pulls white into position, each flake finds it's spot by reading a genetic map -- ditto : Gravity pulls white into position, each flake, reading genetic map, finds it's spot The warm belly of my wife hides an expanding sun waiting to melt the snow -- ditto : Wife's warm belly hides expanding sun about to melt the snow -- I thought "waiting" to be the wrong word here - it is NOT waiting, but progressing at its set pace. -- to me this is crystal clear - you are about to become a parent, so nothing improper, just glorious nature imminent ! On the other hand, I could be so far off-beam that all my suggestions can be scrapped ! I look forward to your responses. Love Alan |
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| Guest_motion_* |
Nov 28 04, 07:00
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#9
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Lai and Grace,
Thank you both for coming back to this! Sorry it took me so long to reply, I am currently using three other poetry critiquing forums as well. I'm tying to see which ones are the most help to me. So far everyone here has been terrific. The level of critique is good and not too harsh, I am a teacher and beleive that being too harsh does nothing but discourage! Thanks and I will consider all suggestions! Daniah, Thank you for the welcome and yes I am enjoying being a member here. It is interesting to talk to other people who write (A.K.A writers) from so far away from myself. I am located in Canada. I did write a revision as you suggested, although I have not posted it here yet. Is shifting theme a bad thing? Forgive me, I am fairly new to the world of poetry. Alan, Thank you for the very detailed critique to this, I found your input quite helpful. I am taking time to ponder and play around with this a bit before I make any final decisions. Upon reflecting on my reasoning behind the wordchoice spittle, I have decided that I might not change it. I wanted the image of the "God's" spitting down precipitation. I agree with you that this could use some tightening up! I will consider finding a replacement word for waiting as well. Thank you again everyone, your input is very appreciated. motion :D |
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Nov 28 04, 12:44
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#10
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Hello again Ryan,
It's ok that you're taking time to think a revision over. We all offer our thoughts, but changes are not mandatory unless you feel they would enrich the meaning of your poem. It's your call. Will check on this later when you decide to revise it. Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Nov 28 04, 13:40
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#11
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Ryan!
I like your first revision! BRAVO! :pharoah2 Here's a couple more ideas for you to take or toss... Cheers! ~Cleo :ornament: Grey bellied gods hold a frost-cache from a world Gravity by genetic map to it's spot Aphrodite's warm belly heats a dormant sun ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner   |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Nov 28 04, 16:15
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#12
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This is a unique way of describing snow!
 I do like the revision much better than the original. :pharoah2 Are you new here? I don't think I've seen your name before. If you are, welcome to MM!  Cathy  :dove: :holly:
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| Guest_motion_* |
Nov 29 04, 17:12
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#13
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Cleo and Cathy thank you both for your replies and the welcome! I will consider your suggestions.
motion :D |
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Dec 5 04, 18:47
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#14
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi
For some reason, Ryan deleted this post today at 13:18. He also deleted his poem in Homer's too (Tree in a Meadow) two minutes earlier at 13:16? We'll wait to see if he responds? Strange! Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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