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> Set Free, Trijan Refrain
heartsong7
post Sep 16 10, 14:21
Post #1


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Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
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Referred By:Merlin



Set Free

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her loved ones slain or gone.
The rebels steal the wealth they seek,
then rape and hurry on.
Now all is lost, she has no will,
though help lies just beyond the hill.
Now all is lost,
now all is lost;
her baby boy lies cold and still.

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her husband left them all
He ran away, afraid and meek;
she saw him trip and fall.
They took his head and left him there
to rot where not a soul would care.
They took his head,
they took his head;
she saw its empty, icy stare.

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her journey’s burden great.
Her arms grow tired; her body weak.
She can no longer wait.
She’s going home at last... tonight
beyond the brilliant pulsing light,
she’s going home.
She’s going home,
the end of suffering's in sight.


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Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
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AMETHYST
post Sep 17 10, 03:32
Post #2


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Real Name: Elizabeth
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Referred By:Lori Kanter



SUE!!!!!!!!!

This brought me to tears. The form was created for this very poem. The depth of drama and detail are astonishing. The repetitive lines are exactly what is needed to draw the reader into the despair, the grief, loss and finally, hope that dying can bring in the face of suffering.

This is crazy wonderful poetry. First, the meter is rhymes are flawless to my ear. Each syllable is purposeful and wisely chosen. The images are striking --- some even painfully raw and powerful.

[quote]Set Free

Strong title. It reassures the subjects need.


The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her loved ones killed or gone.
The rebels steal the wealth they seek,
then rape and hurry on.
Now all is lost, she has no will,
though help lies just beyond the hill.
Now all is lost,
now all is lost;
her baby boy lies cold and still.

Perhaps a substitute for killed might be slayed -

I only have cheers for the imagery the remaining stanza's unveil for the reader. This is powerful and thoughtful, in light of the incidents that occur in so many other countries everyday, this seems to, in some way, reflect the horrors of those happenings.

A powerful and heart wrenching tale woven with perfect meter and rhymes in the form that truly accentuates the emotions.

Big Hugs, Liz

Wish I could have left you more, however once again, you offer what I consider the best of the best in poetry.


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Larry
post Sep 17 10, 14:15
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Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Sue,

I'm awestruck by the power and the message of your poem. As Liz stated, the R&M are perfect to my eye and my mind. Beautifully done!

I have one tiny suggestion which your may take or toss:

S3L5 - She’s going home, right now tonight

I felt that "right now" and "tonight" are a little redundant in the same sentence without any punctuation which might accentuate the additional stress of reiteration in that immediate moment in time. Maybe move the comma from behind "home" to after "now"; or have the sentence end after "home" with an exclamation mark. Start a new sentence with
Sweet rest tonight... or ?????

Thanks for sharing this disturbing yet moving piece with us.

Larry


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When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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anaisa
post Sep 18 10, 00:26
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Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Heart Song,

Wow! I the more I got into it this, the more I decided I really loved it.
The repetition added a lot to the drama.

The only thing I want to bring up is the end line...
I think most people pronounce "suffering" like it has 2 syllables,
so you might consider changing it to this?
The end of suffering is in sight.

(even though it's technically wrong)

It's kind of a tough call, but I would lean toward
the way we naturally manipulate the words in our "real speach."
But you may not agree, but I just had to bring it up for consideration biggrin.gif


Karen





QUOTE (heartsong7 @ Sep 16 10, 15:21 ) *
Set Free

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her loved ones killed or gone.
The rebels steal the wealth they seek,
then rape and hurry on.
Now all is lost, she has no will,
though help lies just beyond the hill.
Now all is lost,
now all is lost;
her baby boy lies cold and still.

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her husband left them all
He ran away, afraid and meek;
she saw him trip and fall.
They took his head and left him there
to rot where not a soul would care.
They took his head,
they took his head;
she saw its empty, icy stare.

The road is dark; the sky is bleak;
her journey’s burden great.
Her arms grow tired; her body weak.
She can no longer wait.
She’s going home, right now tonight
beyond the brilliant pulsing light,
she’s going home.
She’s going home,
the end of suffering's in sight.



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heartsong7
post Sep 18 10, 14:41
Post #5


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Referred By:Merlin



Hi Liz,
It's always such a pleasure to receive one of your thoughtful and thorough reviews.
I'm so glad you feel this works... as I noted before, the form seems to lend itself to strong, almost melodramatic topics, though I have seen some very effective humorous ones.
I like your idea to sub 'slayed' or maybe 'slain' for 'killed'.
Thank you.
Sue


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Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
that has crushed it.

MM Award Winner
 
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heartsong7
post Sep 18 10, 14:45
Post #6


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From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin



Hi Larry...
I'm glad you feel this works. I see your point re: - "She’s going home, right now tonight"
it is redundant. I will work on that, for sure.
thank you for the lovely review and fine insight.
Sue


·······IPB·······

Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
that has crushed it.

MM Award Winner
 
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heartsong7
post Sep 18 10, 14:54
Post #7


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 862
Joined: 25-June 04
From: Ohio, USA
Member No.: 70
Real Name: Susan Eckenrode
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Merlin



Hi Karen,
It's so good to know when a poem is working. I'm never quite sure after it's all done, how it will be read by others.
re: suffering, yes it's one of those words that can be pronounced with either 2 or 3 syllables and either is correct. I've learned recently, that when reading, we need to let the meter be our guide when a word has optional pronunciations. That's especially helpful when your audience comes from many regions and countries. If I write a poem to accommodate one, it may not the other. If the word appears well into the poem, it should be easy to see which pronunciation the poet intends by hearing the established meter.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and offer your suggestions. Always helpful.
Sue


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Forgiveness is the fragrance
the violet sheds
on the heel
that has crushed it.

MM Award Winner
 
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JLY
post Oct 5 10, 05:42
Post #8


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From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr



Sue,
Everything about this poem is a treasure: the form; the emotional impact that the repetitive lines provide and the images brought forth great sadness.

One thought about this line:

she saw its empty, icy stare.

to me "icy" signifies cold and ruthless, but yet you describe the husband as being afraid and meek. Maybe I am missing something, but perhaps icy does not exactly match your characterization.

I still marvel at this form, it just seems to be a perfect fit.
JLY


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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!


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