Remembering Mary...Revision 2, FV Options

[Judi]

Revision 2
(Somehow I seem to have lost Revision 1 today...mea culpa...Judi

I still see Mary pushing
her latest child in the old
coach with the broken wheel.
The clacking noise it made
announced her coming
when she was a block away.

She always had a
vague expression on her face,
as though only half awake,
and I wondered if she could speak,
for I never heard her make
a sound during the years
she lived in town.

Her husband, Happy, looked
like the grandfather in the
Beverly Hillbillies, and never smiled.
How it amused me to hear folks call
him by name, because I'm sure his
mouth had always turned upside-down.

They lived near the movie, and Saturday,
as we stood in line for the matinee,
we had to pass their one-room shack.
The door was always open, and all
one could see was a dirty house
filled with children and debris.

One day I walked by and they
were gone.
Old Mary died, they said, and
Happy turned those kids
over to the county, and then
traveled on.

I can still see poor Mary sorting
through the trash and tucking
some treasure deep inside that coach.
I can still hear the clackety-clack
of her life, as I remember her.
--
Judith Anne Labriola




Original Version

I can still see Mary pushing
her latest child in the old
coach with the broken wheel.
That "clacking " noise it made
let me know she was coming
when she was a block away.

She always had a vague
expression on her face, as
though only half awake, and
I always wondered if she could
speak, for I never heard her
make a sound in all the years
she lived in town.

Her husband, Happy,looked
like the grandfather in the Beverly
Hillbillies, and never smiled.
How it amused me to hear folks call
him by name, for I'm sure his mouth
had always turned upside-down.

They lived near the movie, and
on Saturday as we stood in line
for the matinee, we had to pass
their one-room shack.
The door was always open, and
all one could see was a dirty
house filled with children and
debris.

One day I walked by and they
were gone.
Old Mary died, they said, and
Happy turned those kids over to
the county, and then traveled on.
I can still see poor Mary,
sorting through the trash and
tucking some treasure deep
inside that coach.
I can still hear the "clackety
clack" it made, in the
echoes of my mind.

--

Judith Anne Labriola

[Merlin]

Hello Judi,

You're probably aware I'm not totally comfortable over in Seren Dippity's realm, being more from the r & m sector. Still, I've reviewed a lot of material in order to shift over here, and have some thoughts to share.

If you wish to consider >>

No punctuation in the title, pls. It spoils it.

You can easily can can of the opening line, and simply say, "I still see Mary." It follows nicely, considering the title.

I see line breaks as especially important in FV to indicate pauses. There are several places where I wonder why you broke between >> old coach, vague expression, Beverly Hillbillies, and others << that clearly belong together.

Your 1st verse reads I can still see Mary pushing her latest child in the old coach with the broken wheel. That "clacking " noise it made let me know she was coming when she was a block away. I'd suggest paring down words for better impact - something like announced her presence instead of let me know she was coming. There are more. Quotes ought not be required around "clacking", since it's pretty obvious here. At first, it was unclear that the "it" referred to the wheel, not the coach, doing the clacking. Here, I'd go with a continued thought, instead of stopping with a period after L3 (rewording somewhat). Remember the show, don't tell rule.

I'll leave it at that. The story is great - very believable and often seen.

Best

Merlin

[Judi]

Hello Judi,

You're probably aware I'm not totally comfortable over in Seren Dippity's realm, being more from the r & m sector. Still, I've reviewed a lot of material in order to shift over here, and have some thoughts to share.

If you wish to consider >>

No punctuation in the title, pls. It spoils it.

I will fix this in my revision.

You can easily can can of the opening line, and simply say, "I still see Mary." It follows nicely, considering the title.

I like this, and will use it...thanks!

I see line breaks as especially important in FV to indicate pauses. There are several places where I wonder why you broke between >> old coach, vague expression, Beverly Hillbillies, and others << that clearly belong together.

I will revampt my line breaks in my revision

Your 1st verse reads I can still see Mary pushing her latest child in the old coach with the broken wheel. That "clacking " noise it made let me know she was coming when she was a block away. I'd suggest paring down words for better impact - something like announced her presence instead of let me know she was coming. There are more. Quotes ought not be required around "clacking", since it's pretty obvious here. At first, it was unclear that the "it" referred to the wheel, not the coach, doing the clacking. Here, I'd go with a continued thought, instead of stopping with a period after L3 (rewording somewhat). Remember the show, don't tell rule.

I will strongly consider this in the revision and come up with a better way.
I'll leave it at that. The story is great - very believable and often seen.

The reason that the story is believable is because it is true...thanks for knowing that!

I always appreciate a "Merlin" critique" (you are doing so well at FV critiques, I don't know why you didn't do them before.) God Bless, Judi

Best

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Judi,

An interesting story, which may have many points of view of humanities needs, neccessities, and foibles.

The hair pulling pair. One wonders why he did not move on sooner, except she was probably taking care of another needy child. A mother's instinct gone awry?

Don

[Judi]

An interesting story, which may have many points of view of humanities needs, neccessities, and foibles.

The hair pulling pair. One wonders why he did not move on sooner, except she was probably taking care of another needy child. A mother's instinct gone awry?

Hi Don,

No, I think he loved he a lot, but maybe not the responsibility of the children. He probably left because he could not take care of them after she died...such a sad story..I will always remember her..Judi

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Judi,

I see your background. Perhaps more development would help readers such as myself from straying too far.

Don

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Judi,

I lost some sleep last night wondering why (or how) I missed the point of a rope stretched to its limit. When one strand broke the total load fell. This speaks of how tenuous a two parent family in our society. A single parent family may be closer to the breaking point. It also speaks of our social safety nets. The children went to state care.

The title implies that it is all about Mary, but inherent distractions set the scene as a long ago unimportant recall.

I'll probably lose more sleep due to inarticulation.

This poem is a basis for several powerful message poems.

Don