Lonely Hearts and Raindrops ~ REVISED, Kyrielle Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

The Kyrielle was once a very popular French poetic form and dates from the Middle Ages. The simple form consists of sets of rhyming couplets paired in quatrains (four lines of poetry), each containing the same refrain (repeat line, phrase, or word). They are usually arranged eight syllables per line and most frequently are in iambic tetrameter. The rhyme scheme is optional, but the popularly accepted one is: a a b B; c c b B; d d b B, etc. for a minimum of three quatrains, but may be as long as the author desires.

A varied structure could abandon the couplets with a b a B; c b c B; d b d B, etc.
or even a second line that did not rhyme at all. a x a B; c x c B; d x d B, etc.

Thanks Alan and Lori for your help!

Lonely Hearts & Raindrops ~ Revised

A lonely sound grips tight this heart,
intense and quick, dreams fall apart.
My spirit plummets, apropos;
raindrops tapping at my window.

Chilly dampness hangs on the air,
leaves drift about without a care,
soft eerie winds of sorrow blow
raindrops, tapping at my window.

Before seclusion takes its toll,
a ray of sunlight warms my soul
with happy hues of rich rainbow;
raindrops tapping at my window.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright June2005




ORIGINAL:
Lonely Hearts & Raindrops ~ Kyrielle

A lonely sound grips tight this heart,
all is quickly falling apart.
My spirits plummet to dire low;
raindrops tip-tap upon window.

Chilling dampness permeates air,
leaves drifting 'bout without a care,
soft eerie winds of sorrow blow
raindrops, tip-tap upon window.

Before loneliness takes its toll,
a ray of sunlight warms my soul
with happy hues of rich rainbow;
raindrops tip-tap upon window.

Cathy Bollhoefer~
copyright June2005

[Cybele]

Hi Cathy,

Before I comment, would you be kind enough to explain what a Kyrielle is? I haven't heard of this form and don't know what pattern/form I should be looking for.

Back soon!

[Guest__*]

Dear Cathy,

Nice to see another of your poems. AND a weird form too.

Anyway, I may have some suggestions, you know to toss them if you don't agree.

A lonely sound grips tight this heart,
all is quickly falling apart. -- ba-dums out - when all is fast ... ?
My spirits plummet to dire low;
raindrops tip-tap upon window. -- on my window ?

Chilling dampness permeates air, -- chilly gives better ba-dums ? and the rythm of permeates ruins ba-dums too - find another word, or construction ?
leaves drifting 'bout without a care, -- simpler : leaves drift about ?
soft eerie winds of sorrow blow
raindrops, tip-tap upon window.

Before loneliness takes its toll, -- ba-dums : before aloneness ?
a ray of sunlight warms my soul
with happy hues of rich rainbow; -- perhaps : hues - a rich rainb ..
raindrops tip-tap upon window.

I'm so glad the poem cheered up before the end, was not expecting that !

One other point - where you live the rains sez tip-tap, I think here we'd say pat-pat !

Hope this is of some use.

Love
Alan

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Grace!

I'm sorry, I should have posted that with the poem and I
have corrected that oversight!  *smile*

Cathy

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

This looks like an interesting form with the rhyme AA BB and the last line of each verse repeated.

I like the way your mood moves with the weather from stormy, lonely and sorrowful to sunshine and happiness.

Alan has already given you some good suggestion.  My only comment is to wonder why you use a comma after raindrops in L4 of the second verse but not on any of the other verses.

thanks for the read

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Alan!

Thank you for taking the time to read this and make suggestions!
I like some of them and will take them into consideration when
making revisions.

Looking forward to your next one,
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina!

My only comment is to wonder why you use a comma after raindrops in L4 of the second verse but not on any of the other verses.

I guess I was continuing the line from above --
"soft eerie winds of sorrow blow raindrops, tip-tap upon window" -- the form
dictates that "raindrops" be on the 4th line.  Trying to separate the raindrops from the sound or something like that.  I'm not sure how to explain my reasoning.  LOL   I will look into that when I start revising it.

Thank you!
Cathy

[Arnfinn]

Hi Cathy,


A lonely sound grips tight this heart,
all is quickly falling apart.
My spirits plummet to dire low;
raindrops tip-tap upon window.

Chilling dampness permeates air,
leaves drifting 'bout without a care,
soft eerie winds of sorrow blow
raindrops, tip-tap upon window.

Before loneliness takes its toll,
a ray of sunlight warms my soul
with happy hues of rich rainbow;
raindrops tip-tap upon window.


I'm not much help Cathy, I counted the syllables for the form. Alan's done the di-dums for the iambic (rp) di-DUM. As for the poem (Kyrielle) the syllabic counts correct. I read and and i got a dirge A lonelY sound Grips...tight this HEART

For me, very easy to read, a poem expressing depression with a colourful ray of sunlight to brighten the mood up a bit.

I Like the repetition of the last line in each verse. Perhaps the first line could be shortened?

I'm glad I dropped in for the read.
 :wizard:

Thank you for the post.

Regards,


John

 :wizard:  :wizard:

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you John!  I have never been able to understand the
di-dums but I'm trying!  LOL  I just know what "sounds" right
to me.  Thanks for reading!

Cathy

[Siren]

Dear Catchy,

This is such a touching poem and the effect of the repetetive line was wonderful. I so enjoyed the softness in this.

Hugs
Dani

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thank you Dani!  :guitar:  :dance:  :guitar:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cathy.

What I enjoy about the Kyrielle is the repetition of the refrain.   Combine it with the rhyme scheme and meter, and it sings, as does your piece here. :operagal:

AS one reads each stanza, concentrating on ONLY each one independently, you take us through a sad, lonely inner soul to weather playing a part in the misery and finally to joy that sunshine brings to the inner and outer soul...

COOL!  

To help with your iambs, here are some slight revisions for you to ponder..

Cheers!
~Cleo  :pharoah2

A lonely sound grips tight this heart,
all is quickly falling apart.
{Intense and quick, it falls apart.}
My spirits plummet to dire low;
{My spirit plummets: dreadful low;}
raindrops tip-tap upon window.

Chilling dampness permeates air,
{A chilling dampness floods the air,}
leaves drifting 'bout without a care,
soft eerie winds of sorrow blow
raindrops, tip-tap upon window.

Before [loneliness]{seclusion}takes its toll,
a ray of sunlight warms my soul
with happy hues of rich rainbow;
raindrops tip-tap upon window.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Lori!

I like your suggestions.  I will take them into consideration when
doing a revision.  Thanks for dropping in ...

Cathy  :dance:  :guitar:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Excellent revision Cathy!

Well done!

~Cleo :pharoah2

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy,

I'm glad you revised before I read this as it gives me an excellent excuse for offering no suggestions: sticking to a pattern means I can't.

However, I just wanted to thank you for the read and congratulate you on the revision.

Thanks, J.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

I'm glad you liked it Lori and again, thank you for your help!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi James!

I'm glad you took the time to read and comment
even though you feel you can't offer suggestions.
I can't crit certain forms either!  LOL

Thanks for stopping by,
Cathy