star-struck [ tweaked again 2/6 ], rictameter Options

[JustDaniel]

star-struck


ya know…

just ain't nothin'

so temptin' as a locked

door ta where I ain't never been…

but once eye's piqued, I's squintin' at a star

… next ta the button on 'is shirt…

shoulda see'd 'is mailbox;

it says Sheriff

ya know


© MLee Dickens'son 31 Jan 2007



in first tweak

L1 but once eye's piqued, it's squintin' at a star


original


ya know…

jest ain't nothin'

so temptin' as a locked

door ta whar ya ain't never been…

but once I's piqued, eye's squintin' at a star

… next ta the button on 'is shirt…

shoulda see'd the mailbox;

it says Sheriff

ya know

[AMETHYST]

Hey Daniel,

An interesting Ricatameter ... I smiled at the twist and turn of this. Ain't that always the way ... I felt your first few lines touched on a very specific irony... the longing to see what's going on behind the door you've never seen before... What didn't flow with me was the accent was 'too' intense for me -- other than that... this, as many of your works, was both humorous and deep in thought.

Blessings, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Thanks so much, Liz...

I think you know my frequent aim: serious humor.

As to the accent, please let me know if the first tweak is any better to your ear, will you?

deLighting in feedback, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Excellent revision. Yes Daniel... the slight change on where and eyed ... those were the bumpy spots I felt, it toned it down just enough to make it flow off the tongue smooth, yet not lose the accent all together to allow the reader to envision the narrator's character.

Well. I enjoyed this one, especially the underlying concept of what tempts us ...

Good word working, Best Wishes, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Thanks so much, Liz! Ain't nothin' so temptin' as ta think ya can see what's on the other side o' yer own mirror! It just ain't happenin' without someone else comin' in an' shoutin' (or whisperin') back at ya!

deLightin' in the feedback, Daniel

[Alan]

Dear Daniel,

Very skillful as revised - funny AND deep, ya know.

Love
Alan

[JustDaniel]

Ya know I appreciate your visit and comments, Alan! Thanks.

deLightingly, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear JustDaniel,

I little less humor than normal. Sorta a study in stars. A nice twist. The dialect is easy to follow.

Thanks for sharing this one.

Don

[JustDaniel]

Dear JustDaniel, a little less humor than normal.

What would 'normal' be, Don? How much humor can one get into 50 syllables? And isn't the humor in the timing... or in this case the punch line? And cannot humor be serious? Of course, I'm not at all arguing with you, my good friend. I'm just stating what I know is already obvious to you... particularly since I'm curious as to your intent in this observation!

Sorta a study in stars. [ Sort of, I guess. ] A nice twist. [ Thanks! ] The dialect is easy to follow. [ ... and that is very encouraging to know! My first attempt was just short of dismal! ]

Thanks for sharing this one.

Don

And thank YOU for sharing YOU, Don.

deLighting in the interchange, as always, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Daniel,

I wanted you to feel comfortable with the revised dialect, about which I detected that you were concerned.

My "sorta" is slipshod and informal "sort of."

I was referring to your normal humor. You tend to inject humor in large doses. I thought this one a tad less injected. It is all in the eye of the beholder and sometimes my sinus dulls the stage lights.

Fifty-syllables is wide enough to drive a large truck upon. This is seventy percent of a fourteen line sonnet.

Your work is very delightful, as you are prone to write.

Thanks o'le friend,

Don

[wordsart]

Hi Daniel

I really enjoyed this one. It is a good story conveyed in very few syllables and a very visual one too.

I see you omitted i's and eyes in your revision. I liked that particular play on words and offer this suggestion. Although I feel less than competent to suggest edits for such a tight piece of writing.

'but once eyes piqued, I's squintin at a star'

Just omitting one letter in fact!

Love the word play and the humour and observation here







Jenni

[JustDaniel]

Dear Daniel,

I wanted you to feel comfortable with the revised dialect, about which I detected that you were concerned.

My "sorta" is slipshod and informal "sort of."

Nothin' slipshod; just informal. I sorta like it myself... sort of.

I was referring to your normal humor. You tend to inject humor in large doses. I thought this one a tad less injected. It is all in the eye of the beholder and sometimes my sinus dulls the stage lights.

Well, sometimes I inject TOO MUCH humor, methinks... but my intent is very often serious humor... like the "Famous Sayings of MLee Dickens'son" that I've been collecting as a project (No forum really to post them here).

Fifty-syllables is wide enough to drive a large truck upon. This is seventy percent of a fourteen line sonnet.

You're right, of course... so long as the driver is short and stocky.

Your work is very delightful, as you are prone to write.

Not necessarily, Don. Sometimes I say it standing up or sitting!

Thanks o'le friend, Don

Your visits are always Lightening and often enLightening.

ol' friends are good friends. ~ Daniel

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel, I really enjoyed this one. It is a good story conveyed in very few syllables and a very visual one too.

Thank you. I've been working on visual, so that's encouraging.

I see you omitted i's and eyes in your revision. I liked that particular play on words and offer this suggestion. Although I feel less than competent to suggest edits for such a tight piece of writing.

Actually, I debated within myself about it. I'm pleased that you mention it. I think I had merely had it backwards of how it might work best. I just didn't like it as it was, so your suggestion is likely what I'll be going back to... I'd hoped actually that someone might mention it, so your words are a relief, actually... and there's nothing lacking in competence that I've seen in you!

'but once eyes piqued, I's squintin at a star'

Just omitting one letter in fact!

Love the word play and the humour and observation here

Jenni

Thank you so much, Jenni. It's a deLight to hear from you. ~ Daniel