But Roses, Member Choice Award Winner Options

[Cyn]

Member Choice Award Winner

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


But Roses


My garden beckons, brings me near
on paths of wonder. I will dare
to find my place, a special way
where roses bloom and fill the day

with scented sense, aromas bound
to frame these memories I’ve found.
But memories are of the past
and love and life are not to last

beyond this present garden’s soil.
We live our lives in fear, and toil
to try to change the simple fact
that loved ones die and don’t come back.

But roses, they will bloom again
Will nod and smile in breezes, then
be picked to make a mother proud
or held in hands when promise vowed.

You see, a rose will never die
but spring again from earth and sky.

© Cynthia Neely

[Peterpan]

Hello Cyn~

You have taken us on sad and beautiful journey within your rose garden: thank you, it was a lovely journey. Your discussions of your garden, memories, loves, dearly departed, faithful blooms, bridal bouquets. And simply the promise that the rose while alive and cared for will keep on blooming.
Very beautiful. Thank you for sharing it.

PP

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cyn,

What would we do without the beauty of Mother Nature?

My garden beckons, brings me near
on paths of wonder. I will dare
to find my place, a special way
where roses bloom and fill the day  A place of renewal, for healing oneself.

with scented sense, aromas bound  I like the use of 'sense' in this line.  It could serve dual purpose ... scents and sense.  Trying to make sense of the world within the beauty or something like that.  *smiles*
to frame these memories I’ve found.
But memories are of the past  Another word for 'memories' maybe? To avoid repetition.
and love and life are not to last  

beyond this present garden’s soil.
We live our lives in dread, and toil
to try to change the simple fact
that loved ones die and don’t come back.

But roses, they will bloom again  < a comma here?
Will nod and smile in breeze and then
be picked to make a mother proud
or held in hands when promise vowed.  Sweet images!

You see, a rose will never die
but spring again from earth and sky.  Lovely ending!

A beautiful poem ... both in imagery and message!

Cat

[jgdittier]

Dear Cyn,
In five years now of commenting, I have never read comments so close to my thoughts as Cathy's here.
The sentiment here is so pleasant, the message so encouraging and the delivery so sincere.
You've captured it all in words so pleasantly hypnotizing.
Cheers,   ron  jgd

[Cyn]

Boy thanks guys!
Cathy I'll look and see what I can come up with. That is the one line that seemed off in timing to me too

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cyn

Roses (particularly blood-red ones) are my favourite flowers.  I don't have a garden but where I live we have some beautiful rose bushes which flower through to late summer.

I see the roses in this poem representing the loved ones who have died

But roses, they will bloom again
Will nod and smile in breezes, then
be picked to make a mother proud
or held in hands when promise vowed.  ..it is almost as if the rose is being cradled as one would a baby.

thanks for the read.

Nina

[Cyn]

I love what you got out of this one Nina! Thanks for commenting

[jgdittier]

Dear Cyn,
I sense you are open to my further comments and so will extend my remarks beyond comment to critique. My thoughts are usually out of the mainstream and therefore of less help than I intend them to be.
My forte, at least in my mind, is flow. I like repetition more than most so I've scanned "But Roses".
I find your four stanzas of iambic tetrameter carefully done, better, I believe than what you'd have if you were to rely totally on your ear for beat. If you've done this well using only your ear, then you're well accomplished.
In addressing meter only, I consider it faultless throughout.
For rhyme, I'm more severe than most. "Near" and "dare" get me started on the wrong foot (almost a pun). I like all the remaining rhymes. Although the aren't especially ingenious they are totally pure and they serve the message admirably.
I am slowly learning more of enjambment but to my taste less of it here would somewhat improve the piece. This depends on the writer's taste, so I fear I'm wandering into a mine field. More under punctuation.
Word-by-word, I've a few suggestions:

My GARden (BECKons) CALLS me, (BRINGS) CALLS me NEAR
on PATHS of WONder. (I will DARE) WHEN i'm HERE
(to FIND) i've FOUND my PLACE, a SPECial WAY
where ROSes BLOOM and FILL the DAY.  note period

The word MEMoRIES seems heavy to me as MEM'ries is more natural.
Your lines 2&3 read:
to FRAME these MEMoRIES i've FOUND.
but MEMoRIES are OF the PAST     "of" better of than OF
You might try
to FRAME these MEM'ries I have FOUND.
but MEM'ries FADE as HAS the PAST
again, I'd end the stanza with a period.

I'd remove the comma in line ten. (I think of punctuation as an aid to the reader, to help him read the way you intended.) Unpunctuated or poorly punctuated poetry suggests to me the writer is willing for me to read his poetry anyway I choose.

I greatly admire your last ten lines. They wrap up your happy garden of the present tersely, tactfully and are a thanksgiving that makes your reader smile.

Though not a sonnet, it has elements of one. A fine choice of form.
Nicely done and cheers!
Ron   jgd

[Cyn]

Thanks Ron
you have given me some ideas
Although I don't mind enjambment and did want it in a few places, I will look at your suggesstions carefully. I also am fond of near rhyming, especially when not using a formal form, but again you have some valid suggestions I will fully ponder.
Cyn

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cyn,

How about last line: earth to sky   ???

Don

[Cyn]

Could work but it is a slightly different meaning. Thanks Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Congrats Cyn on your Member Choice award winning tile!

Well done!
~Cleo

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cyn

Congratulations on your member choice for this lovely poem.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Congratulations Cyn!

[JLY]

Cyn,
I echo everyone's congratulations; this has been a favorite of mine since the first day you posted it....one of your best contributions to MM.
JLY

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Congratulations, Cyn

Fran

[Guest_the_ghost_of_tom_joad_*]

This is a great poem.....Simply wonderful.

Keith

[JustDaniel]

Wow!!

I just came across this (being curious what some Yahoo [ a guest using Yahoo ] was cruising), and voila!

There's certainly nothing to nit-pic in this one in message, meter, movement... nothing!

I really love this one, Cyn!

deLightin' in your writin', Daniel

[Cyn]

Sorry folks, I have been absent of late and missed all your generous responses. You guys are great. Thanks so much

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cyn,

My apologies for just reading this thread. Congratuations for the award. You have received many helpful comments and I just wanted to say CONGRATS!

Best Regards, Liz