Disaster's Triage, RF Challenge - The Road Not Taken Options

[Larry]

Disaster’s Triage (tweaked - TY Lori)

Tin shacks and cardboard huts propped up with wood
are gone. Uncaring Earth erased them. Both
entombed in brick and stucco that once stood
beside them. Raining down on those who could
not seek a haven in the undergrowth.

No judge to rule on what was right or fair,
to hear the anguished pleas of those who claim
they had no food or clothing they could wear.
Those were interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

was true of fractured families who lay
beneath the shattered buildings. All was black
and dusty clouds blocked out the light of day.
Some few, exhumed by those who found a way
to rescue broken bodies, bring them back;

are granted respite from that final sigh.
Not so for many others taken hence
to lie in rest with strangers. Would that I
were able to assist and help them by
grief’s river flowing through indifference.


--------------------------------------------------


Tin shacks and cardboard huts propped up with wood
are gone. Uncaring Earth erased them. Both
entombed in brick and stucco that once stood
beside them. Raining down on those who could
not find safety in hillside undergrowth.

No judge to rule on what was right or fair,
to hear the anguished pleas of those who claim
they had no food; or clothing they could wear.
That was interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

could be said of their families which lay
beneath the shattered buildings. All was black
and dusty clouds blocked out the light of day.
Some few, exhumed by those who found a way
to rescue broken bodies, bring them back;

are granted respite from that final sigh.
Not so for many others taken hence
to lie in rest with strangers. Would that I
were able to assist and help them by
grief’s river flowing through indifference.

[Merlin]

It's a story we'll be hearing about for a long while yet. News reports are of some who are now making money on the disaster. It takes all kinds.

For anyone not in the know >> here's the link to see all the RF type responses. Good reading there.

Excellent use of the words, Larry, well done.

Merlin

[Guest_TheBryBenno_*]

First of all - and I would've put this in my last thread, but it was locked - I was saying that I should earn feedback by giving it. It was taken completely the wrong way, and was not meant as something cocky at all. I like reading the things here and giving feedback.


That leads me to what I think of this. Very, very good expression of the insanity in today's world. It's amazing that in America we have everything in the world that we could ever want, and people there have gone through something unimaginable. This writing does well in putting to words the insanity and destruction. I've heard also, as mentioned above, that certain groups are making money off the whole thing, which makes it all even more disgusting.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Larry, well done sir, well done indeed, I think Mr RF would be proud.

Steve

[Larry]

Hello Merlin, Bry Benno and Steve,

Thanks for dropping in for a read. Glad you were all satisfied with this particular result of the RF Challenge.

What? No Nits? No big deal on that matter, what with the paucity of contributions and visitation, I didn't expect too much anyway.

Merlin, thanks for the link to the challenge site. Maybe some who read this thread will try their hand at a challenge or two. One can only hope!

Larry

[Siren]

Hey Larry,

I have braved the world of rhyme and meter and walked through its doors to your room. I truly enjoyed this read and wont even dare to crit or nit, because am nothing in rhyme and meter. Not my strong points in the least.

great word usage and wonderful descriptions.

No judge to rule on what was right or fair,
to hear the anguished pleas of those who claim
they had no food; or clothing they could wear.
That was interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

could be said of their families which lay
beneath the shattered buildings. All was black
and dusty clouds blocked out the light of day.
Some few, exhumed by those who found a way
to rescue broken bodies, bring them back


Profound imagery! WOW!

Dani

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

I'm so glad you posted this challenge response over here! I'd like to nominate it for the upcoming IBPC as I feel it is deserving of a much wider audience. Love your title, not sure if I'll suggest anything but let's take a look...


Tin shacks and cardboard huts propped up with wood
are gone. Uncaring Earth erased them. Both
entombed in brick and stucco that once stood
beside them. Raining down on those who could
not find safety in hillside undergrowth. --This line seems a bit bumpy. How about something like: "not find a haven in the undergrowth."

No judge to rule on what was right or fair,
to hear the anguished pleas of those who claim
they had no food; or clothing they could wear. --delete semi-colon and change or to nor
That was interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

could be said of their families which lay --I feel a slight bump here. Perhaps something like, "could be said of loved ones dear which lay" -- I know it's short one but the metrical flow still works.
beneath the shattered buildings. All was black
and dusty clouds blocked out the light of day.
Some few, exhumed by those who found a way
to rescue broken bodies, bring them back; (so poignant!)

are granted respite from that final sigh.
Not so for many others taken hence
to lie in rest with strangers. Would that I
were able to assist and help them by
grief’s river flowing through indifference.

This is a stunning poem, Larry! Look for my IBPC nom PM shortly!
~Cleo

[Larry]

Hi Lori,

Thanks for stopping in for a critter two. Thanks also for the nomination. Now to address your suggestions.

S2 first: I'll lose the semicolon because there is no way I could use "nor". "Neither" must be used prior to "nor". Ya know the old English rule... either/or, neither/nor.

S1, I like your suggestion and will use but reword it a bit.

S3 - I'll reword L1 and see what you think of that. I'm too much of a meter maid to leave a line one syl short.

Again, thanks for the nom and crits.

Larry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Larry,

Oops! That's roght - I forgot about the 'neither' bit.



I like the changes you've made!

beside them. Raining down on those who could
not seek a haven in the undergrowth.

Those were interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

was true of fractured families who lay --Nice allteration

Well done!
~Cleo

[Guest_iverhyck_*]

Larry, glad I read this poem. It's amazing! Very powerful and so many feelings.
Konstantin.