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> Disaster's Triage, RF Challenge - The Road Not Taken
Larry
post Jan 23 10, 10:13
Post #1


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Disasterís Triage (tweaked - TY Lori)

Tin shacks and cardboard huts propped up with wood
are gone. Uncaring Earth erased them. Both
entombed in brick and stucco that once stood
beside them. Raining down on those who could
not seek a haven in the undergrowth.

No judge to rule on what was right or fair,
to hear the anguished pleas of those who claim
they had no food or clothing they could wear.
Those were interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

was true of fractured families who lay
beneath the shattered buildings. All was black
and dusty clouds blocked out the light of day.
Some few, exhumed by those who found a way
to rescue broken bodies, bring them back;

are granted respite from that final sigh.
Not so for many others taken hence
to lie in rest with strangers. Would that I
were able to assist and help them by
griefís river flowing through indifference.



--------------------------------------------------


Tin shacks and cardboard huts propped up with wood
are gone. Uncaring Earth erased them. Both
entombed in brick and stucco that once stood
beside them. Raining down on those who could
not find safety in hillside undergrowth.

No judge to rule on what was right or fair,
to hear the anguished pleas of those who claim
they had no food; or clothing they could wear.
That was interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

could be said of their families which lay
beneath the shattered buildings. All was black
and dusty clouds blocked out the light of day.
Some few, exhumed by those who found a way
to rescue broken bodies, bring them back;

are granted respite from that final sigh.
Not so for many others taken hence
to lie in rest with strangers. Would that I
were able to assist and help them by
griefís river flowing through indifference.


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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Merlin
post Jan 23 10, 12:29
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It's a story we'll be hearing about for a long while yet. News reports are of some who are now making money on the disaster. It takes all kinds.

For anyone not in the know >> here's the link to see all the RF type responses. Good reading there.

Excellent use of the words, Larry, well done.

Merlin


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Guest_TheBryBenno_*
post Jan 24 10, 15:45
Post #3





Guest






First of all - and I would've put this in my last thread, but it was locked - I was saying that I should earn feedback by giving it. It was taken completely the wrong way, and was not meant as something cocky at all. I like reading the things here and giving feedback.


That leads me to what I think of this. Very, very good expression of the insanity in today's world. It's amazing that in America we have everything in the world that we could ever want, and people there have gone through something unimaginable. This writing does well in putting to words the insanity and destruction. I've heard also, as mentioned above, that certain groups are making money off the whole thing, which makes it all even more disgusting.
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 24 10, 21:15
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Larry, well done sir, well done indeed, I think Mr RF would be proud.

Steve
 
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Larry
post Jan 28 10, 12:16
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Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
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Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hello Merlin, Bry Benno and Steve,

Thanks for dropping in for a read. Glad you were all satisfied with this particular result of the RF Challenge.

What? No Nits? No big deal on that matter, what with the paucity of contributions and visitation, I didn't expect too much anyway.

Merlin, thanks for the link to the challenge site. Maybe some who read this thread will try their hand at a challenge or two. One can only hope!

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
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Siren
post Jan 28 10, 19:13
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Hey Larry,

I have braved the world of rhyme and meter and walked through its doors to your room. I truly enjoyed this read and wont even dare to crit or nit, because am nothing in rhyme and meter. Not my strong points in the least.

great word usage and wonderful descriptions.

No judge to rule on what was right or fair,
to hear the anguished pleas of those who claim
they had no food; or clothing they could wear.
That was interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

could be said of their families which lay
beneath the shattered buildings. All was black
and dusty clouds blocked out the light of day.
Some few, exhumed by those who found a way
to rescue broken bodies, bring them back


Profound imagery! WOW!

Dani


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Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones."

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Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 13 10, 12:56
Post #7


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Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Larry,

I'm so glad you posted this challenge response over here! I'd like to nominate it for the upcoming IBPC as I feel it is deserving of a much wider audience. claps.gif Love your title, not sure if I'll suggest anything but let's take a look...


Tin shacks and cardboard huts propped up with wood
are gone. Uncaring Earth erased them. Both
entombed in brick and stucco that once stood
beside them. Raining down on those who could
not find safety in hillside undergrowth. --This line seems a bit bumpy. How about something like: "not find a haven in the undergrowth."

No judge to rule on what was right or fair,
to hear the anguished pleas of those who claim
they had no food; or clothing they could wear. --delete semi-colon and change or to nor
That was interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

could be said of their families which lay --I feel a slight bump here. Perhaps something like, "could be said of loved ones dear which lay" -- I know it's short one but the metrical flow still works.
beneath the shattered buildings. All was black
and dusty clouds blocked out the light of day.
Some few, exhumed by those who found a way
to rescue broken bodies, bring them back; (so poignant!)

are granted respite from that final sigh.
Not so for many others taken hence
to lie in rest with strangers. Would that I
were able to assist and help them by
griefís river flowing through indifference.

This is a stunning poem, Larry! Look for my IBPC nom PM shortly!
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Larry
post Feb 13 10, 17:53
Post #8


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Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
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Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Lori,

Thanks for stopping in for a critter two. Thanks also for the nomination. Now to address your suggestions.

S2 first: I'll lose the semicolon because there is no way I could use "nor". "Neither" must be used prior to "nor". Ya know the old English rule... either/or, neither/nor.

S1, I like your suggestion and will use but reword it a bit.

S3 - I'll reword L1 and see what you think of that. I'm too much of a meter maid to leave a line one syl short.

Again, thanks for the nom and crits.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Feb 14 10, 14:33
Post #9


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hi Larry,

Oops! upside.gif That's roght - I forgot about the 'neither' bit. blush.gif

nicerev.gif

I like the changes you've made! claps.gif

beside them. Raining down on those who could
not seek a haven in the undergrowth.


Those were interred with friends and neighbors there
among the piles of rubble, and the same

was true of fractured families who lay
--Nice allteration

Well done!
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_iverhyck_*
post Feb 14 10, 14:45
Post #10





Guest






Larry, glad I read this poem. It's amazing! Very powerful and so many feelings.
Konstantin.
 
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