The Enlightenment ~ Revised 24 Mar 2007, from Flash No. 29 Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Flash 29 Response
First edit: 01 Jul 2006 - Thanks Nina.
Second edit: 05 Aug 2006 - thanks Fran, Jackie and Patsy!
Third edit: 10 Mar 2007 - a few word changes
Fourth edit: 24 Mar 2007 - Thanks John (Arnfinn) and Liz via email crits and John!
Word Count: 383


The Enlightenment


A dense gray fog swirls, thickening by the minute. 'Help me!' I scream, it seems no one can hear me... Laboring for breath, all I manage are short shallow puffs.

I feel an oozing; a slow and steady trickle from my forehead. I instinctively try to lift my hand to my face but cannot move my arm. Oh my god! I look to the star-filled night sky and then it dawns on me: it is night. This isn't right! I am on my way to pick up Peter at the airport at 10am. How can it be night?

Staring through a windowless windshield, I try to turn my head – nothing happens; no movement in either direction. Can I move anything? Once the thought enters my mind, I try frantically to move every part, to no avail. Am I paralyzed?

'No!'

'I can't be!'

'I won't be!'

Something drips over my left eye and trickles down to the corner of my mouth. I taste blood. Oh my god! I’m bleeding! The sky overhead spins as a vortex, stars glow vivid and intense, then collapse. I feel nothing.

Am I dead, I ponder? A welcoming, glistening light appears, though its radiance obstructs my view beyond its outer limits. I cannot take my eyes away from it. A full spectrum of vivid colors swirls about, just as intense as the light itself. A beautiful melody shrouds me. I close my eyes and start to drift…

A screeching sound interrupts my peaceful moment. I jerk my eyes open to find myself levitating in air, looking down at a car wreck. Where am I? I am above myself. Is that me? Oh my god!

“I am here.”

"What are YOU?”

“You are with me in the here and now. But, your time is not yet fulfilled. You must go back. You will know when I summon you again.”

Below, paramedics inject me with saline solution, and shock me with paddles. Funny, why do I feel nothing?

“How will I know?”

“You already know. You possess the answers within. Enlighten others.”

“But I have so many questions-”

“I have faith in you, Lorraine. You must go back now.”

“Ouch! What are you doing!?” I shout to the medics hovering over me.

I see and feel everything so clearly now.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter


Previous version:
“Help me!” I scream but it seems that no one can hear me. Where am I? There is a dense, gray fog surrounding me, thickening by the minute. Laboring for deep breaths, all I can manage are short, shallow puffs.

I feel an oozing; a slow and steady trickle from my forehead. I instinctively try to lift my hand to my face but I cannot move my arm. Oh my god! I look to the star-filled night sky and then it dawns on me: it is night. This isn't right! I am on my way to pick up Peter at the airport at 10am. How can it be night?

Staring through a windowless windshield opening, I try to turn my head – nothing happens; no movement, either direction. Can I move anything? Once the thought enters my mind, I try frantically to move every part of me, to no avail. Am I paralyzed? No! I can't be! I won't be!

Something drips over my left eye and trickles down to the corner of my mouth. I taste blood. Oh my god! I’m bleeding! The sky overhead spins like a vortex. Stars glow more vivid and intense. It then seems to collapse. I feel nothing.

Am I dead? As I ponder this question, a very welcoming, glistening light appears. Though its radiance obstructs my view beyond its outer limits, I cannot take my eyes away from it. I see a full spectrum of vivid colors swirling about, just as intense as the light itself. A most beautiful melody shrouds me. I close my eyes and start to drift…

A screeching sound interrupts me in this peaceful moment. I jerk my eyes open to find myself levitating in air, looking down at a car wreck. Where am I? I am above myself. Is that me? Oh my god!

“I am here.”

What? “Are YOU?”

“You are with me in the here and now. But, your time is not yet fulfilled. You must go back. You will know when I summon you again.”

I see paramedics injecting me with saline solution, shocking me with paddles. Funny, why do I feel nothing?

“How will I know?”

“You already know. You possess the answers within. Enlighten others.”

“But I have so many questions-”

“I have faith in you, Lorraine. You must go back now.”

“Ouch! What are you doing!?” I shout to the medics hovering over me.

I see and feel everything so clearly now.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 11 June 2006/ revised 05 Aug 2006 / revised Mar 10 2007

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Mar 24 07, 07:40

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

It is good to see this posted in Stonehenge. It was an excellent flash and makes a good story.

A few thoughts. Take or leave as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment


“HELP ME!” I scream {with every ounce of my being} but it seems that no one can hear me? Where am I? I am surrounded by a dense, gray fog, growing thicker by the minute. Laboring for deep breaths, all I can manage {is}[are] short, shallow puffs.

I feel an oozing {drip}, slow and steady trickling from my forehead. I instinctively try to lift my hand to my face but I cannot move my arm. OH MY GOD! I look to the star-filled night sky and then it dawns on me: it is night. THIS ISN’T RIGHT! I was on my way to pick up Peter at the airport at 10am. How can it be night?

Staring through a windowless windshield opening, I try to turn my head – NOTHING. No movement, either direction. Can I move anything? Once the thought enters my mind, I try frantically to move every part of me, to no avail. Am I paralyzed? NO! I CAN’T BE! I WON’T BE!

Something drips over my left eye and {eventually finds}[trickles down to] the corner of my mouth. I taste blood. OH MY GOD! I’M BLEEDING?! The sky overhead spins {me} (the sky can’t spin you) like a vortex[.] {as I scrutinize} {s}[S]tars glow{ing} more vivid and intense. {It then collapses} (the sky or stars can’t collapse). I feel nothing.

Am I dead? As I ponder this question, a very welcoming, glistening light appears{,}[.] {and even} {t}[T]hough its radiance obstructs my view beyond its outer limits, I cannot take my eyes away from it. I see a full spectrum of vivid colors swirling {about my periphery}, just as intense as the light itself[.] {followed by} a most beautiful melody [surrounds me]. I start to close my eyes…

I am interrupted in this time and space by another sound. I jerk my eyes open to find myself levitating in air, looking down at a car wreck. WHERE AM I? I am above myself. IS THAT ME? OH MY GOD!

“I am here.”

WHAT? “Are YOU-“

“You are with me in the here and now. But, your time is not yet fulfilled. You must go back. You will know when I summon you again.”

I see paramedics {sticking}[injecting] me with saline solution[,] {and} shocking me with paddles. Funny, I feel nothing?

“How will I know?”

“You already know. You possess the answers within. Enlighten others.”

“But I have so many questions-”

“I have faith in you Lorraine. You must go back now.”

“Ouch! What are you doing!?” I ask the medics hovering over me.

I see everything clearly now.



Thanks for the read

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Nina.

Hi Lori

It is good to see this posted in Stonehenge. It was an excellent flash and makes a good story.

Thank you very much! I really enjoyed that stimulus to work with that John presented and thought of expanding this, but first - I wanted to refine what I had already written. I made a few additions last night but basically tried to keep it the same. I'm thrilled that you have already critiqued it and will be using most of your suggetions in my first revision.

A few thoughts. Take or leave as you wish.

[add] {delete} comment
“HELP ME!” I scream {with every ounce of my being} but it seems that no one can hear me? Where am I? I am surrounded by a dense, gray fog, growing thicker by the minute. Laboring for deep breaths, all I can manage {is}[are] short, shallow puffs.

Do you think it's dramatic enough without the 'ounce of being' part?

I feel an oozing {drip}, slow and steady trickling from my forehead.

Thanks Nina - it doesn seem like an unnecessary word there.

Something drips over my left eye and {eventually finds}[trickles down to] the corner of my mouth. I taste blood. OH MY GOD! I’M BLEEDING?! The sky overhead spins {me} (the sky can’t spin you) like a vortex[.] {as I scrutinize} {s}[S]tars glow{ing} more vivid and intense. {It then collapses} (the sky or stars can’t collapse). I feel nothing.

I like 'trickles down to'. TY! I want to say that in my mind, the whole sky collapsed, so I will need to think on that one a bit more.

Am I dead? As I ponder this question, a very welcoming, glistening light appears{,}[.] {and even} {t}[T]hough its radiance obstructs my view beyond its outer limits, I cannot take my eyes away from it. I see a full spectrum of vivid colors swirling {about my periphery}, just as intense as the light itself[.] {followed by} a most beautiful melody [surrounds me]. I start to close my eyes…

I like most of your suggestions here except I want to find something stronger than 'surrounds' - perhaps 'shrouds' for the religious conotation?

I see paramedics {sticking}[injecting] me with saline solution[,] {and} shocking me with paddles. Funny, I feel nothing?

Now here, it's a 'character thing' - in medical terms yes, one would say 'injecting' but in a delerium state, she is saying 'sticking'. Does that make sense?

Thanks for the read

Nina

Thanks again Nina for your thoughtful comments!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

First revision posted - thanks Nina.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Lori

I missed this when posted so I'm working on your revision. Definitely an excellent flash.

Suggestions: {omit} [add] comment

As always, yours to use or lose

Overall I think this is brill - very scary and evocative.

The use of lots of caps for emphasis is not to my taste (and instantly make me think of Terry Pratchett's DEATH character, hehe) but I know it is quite usual these days. Your writing is strong enough not to need the extra oomph.

Seems like some thoughts are italicised but some are not - a little confusing.

The Enlightenment

“HELP ME!” I scream but it seems that no one can hear me? Where am I? I am surrounded by a dense, gray fog, growing thicker thickening ? by the minute. Laboring for deep breaths, all I can manage are short, shallow puffs gasps ?.

I feel an oozing, [a] slow and steady {trickling} [trickle] from my forehead. I instinctively try to lift my hand to my face but I cannot move my arm. OH MY GOD! --itallics? I look to the star-filled night sky and then it dawns on me: it is night. THIS ISN’T RIGHT! I {was} [am] on my way to pick up Peter at the airport at 10am. --also itallics? How can it be night?

Staring through a windowless windshield opening, I try to turn my head – NOTHING --itallics. No movement, either direction. Can I move anything? Once the thought enters my mind, I try frantically to move every part of me, to no avail. Am I paralyzed? NO! I CAN’T BE! I WON’T BE! --also itallics?

Something drips over my left eye and trickles down to the corner of my mouth. I taste blood. OH MY GOD! I’M BLEEDING?! The sky overhead spins like a vortex. Stars glow more vivid and intense. It then seems to collapse. I feel nothing.

Am I dead? As I ponder this question, a very welcoming, glistening light appears. Though its radiance obstructs my view beyond its outer limits, I cannot take my eyes away from it. I see a full spectrum of vivid colors swirling about, just as intense as the light itself. A most beautiful melody shrouds me. neat! I {start to} close my eyes and [start to] drift…

A screeching sound interrupts me in this time and space. I jerk my eyes open to find myself levitating in air, looking down at a car wreck. WHERE AM I? I am above myself. IS THAT ME? OH MY GOD!

“I am here.”

WHAT? “Are YOU-” --- maybe another Q-mark at end ?

“You are with me in the here and now. But, your time is not yet fulfilled. You must go back. You will know when I summon you again.”

I see paramedics sticking me with saline solution, shocking me with paddles. Funny, [why do] I feel nothing?

“How will I know?”

“You already know. You possess the answers within. Enlighten others.”

“But I have so many questions-”

“I have faith in you Lorraine. You must go back now.”

“Ouch! What are you doing!?” I ask the medics hovering over me.

I see and feel everything so clearly now.

Fran

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Fran.

Thanks for coming to this one and for your comments! I DID enjoy writing this form John's flash stimulus. It's fun to pretend we are in another place of being/time etc. and let the imagination in us wander. I never thought of this as 'scary and evocative' so I am curious as to why you took that from this? Is it a good thing?

Hi Lori

I missed this when posted so I'm working on your revision. Definitely an excellent flash.
As always, yours to use or lose
Overall I think this is brill - very scary and evocative.

The use of lots of caps for emphasis is not to my taste (and instantly make me think of Terry Pratchett's DEATH character, hehe) but I know it is quite usual these days. Your writing is strong enough not to need the extra oomph.
Yes, I wondered about that too - and in the revision I will get rid of those.

Seems like some thoughts are italicised but some are not - a little confusing.

They are, or aren't? Hmmmm - I'll have to take a looksie too then - I thought I had them all covered? I will take a closer look at all your suggestions and post a revision with most of them, so I thank you vey much Fran for your suggestions.

I also have several crits I will be posting here in Stonehenge once I've marked up my notes (I've printed I think 6 posts in here and need to read through them all.

Stay tuned!
~Cleo

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Hey there, Lori,

I don't think I've critiqued a story before so just ignore me if I just don't get it. This reads like the start of something big. You have a great beginning for pulling us in. You did use 'Where am I' a few times and might think about changing one to something like... "This doesn't feel right, what is that ? above me? ... or something like that. Other notations below.

“HELP ME!” I scream but it seems that no one can hear me? Where am I? I am surrounded by a dense, gray fog, growing thicker by the minute. Laboring for deep breaths, all I can manage are short, shallow puffs.
[There is a dense, gay fog surrounding me, growing thicker by the minute.]

I feel an oozing, slow and steady trickling from my forehead. {I i}nstinctively [I] try to lift my hand to my face but I cannot move my arm. [i]OH MY GOD! <<italisize I look to the star-filled night sky and then it dawns on me: it is night. THIS ISN’T RIGHT! <<italisize I was on my way to pick up Peter at the airport at 10am. How can it be night?

Staring through a windowless windshield opening, I try to turn my head – NOTHING. No movement, either direction. Can I move anything? Once the thought enters my mind, I try frantically to move every part of me, to no avail. Am I paralyzed? NO! I CAN’T BE! I WON’T BE! <<italisize
[space]

Something drips over my left eye and trickles down to the corner of my mouth. I taste blood. OH MY GOD! I’M BLEEDING?! The sky overhead spins like a vortex. Stars glow more vivid and intense. It then seems to collapse. I feel nothing.

Am I dead? As I ponder this question, a very welcoming, glistening light appears. Though its radiance obstructs my view beyond its outer limits, I cannot take my eyes away from it. I see a full spectrum of vivid colors swirling about, just as intense as the light itself. A most beautiful melody shrouds me. I start to close my eyes and drift…

A screeching sound interrupts me in this time and space. [time and space seems cliche' - perhaps 'moment of peace'?] I jerk my eyes open to find myself levitating in air, looking down at a car wreck. WHERE AM I? I am above myself. IS THAT ME? OH MY GOD!

“I am here.”

WHAT? “Are YOU-”

“You are with me in the here and now. But, your time is not yet fulfilled. You must go back. You will know when I summon you again.”

I see paramedics sticking me with saline solution, shocking me with paddles. Funny, I feel nothing?

“How will I know?”

“You already know. You possess the answers within. Enlighten others.”

“But I have so many questions-”

“I have faith in you Lorraine. You must go back now.”

“Ouch! What are you doing!?” I ask the medics hovering over me.

I see and feel everything so clearly now.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter 11 June 2006[/b]

Since you used your own name I am curious if this comes from an actual event that happened to you. You have my curiosity as to what will happen next.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hey there, Lori,

I don't think I've critiqued a story before so just ignore me if I just don't get it. This reads like the start of something big. You have a great beginning for pulling us in. You did use 'Where am I' a few times and might think about changing one to something like... "This doesn't feel right, what is that ? above me? ... or something like that. Other notations below.

Since you used your own name I am curious if this comes from an actual event that happened to you. You have my curiosity as to what will happen next.

Hi Jackie.

All comments are most appreciated Jackie as I don't believe in 'one right answer'. Thanks for your comments - I will be making a revision soon with both Fran's and your suggestions in mind.

As for your q: Now, I couldn't possibly let the out of the bag, could I? Thunder would surely strike me down! But nah, I think I had dreams about this sort of thing though when I was young, after a serious fall from a staircase. BUt - Ilike to let my imagination run wild - I have a zillion stories in my head.

As for the what next - what do you think happened?

Thanks for stopping by!
~ Cleo

[Guest_Phot's Moll_*]

An interesting and dramatic story.

I felt that all the italics, capital letters and exclamation marks were rather distracting. Your words should be strong enough without them.

There were also a couple of places that you used question marks when they weren't required.

Funny, I feel nothing?

I scream but it seems that no one can hear me?

In both cases you are making a statement, not asking a question.

[Cleo_Serapis]

An interesting and dramatic story.

I felt that all the italics, capital letters and exclamation marks were rather distracting. Your words should be strong enough without them.

There were also a couple of places that you used question marks when they weren't required.

Funny, I feel nothing?

I scream but it seems that no one can hear me?

In both cases you are making a statement, not asking a question.

Hi Patsy.

Thanks so much for your feedback. Looking over this one again and knowing I have revisions in the works, I am glad all have said the shouting and italics is not necessary.

Your critique is a good reference for me - that the caps and such were distracting. I will be revising soon and eliminating them. When I wrote this, I was trying to express the MC's panic and mixed state of mind through them. I am fairly new to prose an have lots to learn by way of show v. tell.

I will revise those two staments - yes I can see your point in that they are statements more than questions.

Thanks again Patsy for your feedback!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Second revision posted - thanks Fran, Jackie and Patsy!

~Cleo

[Guest_Phot's Moll_*]

I think this is much better now that it is simpler! The reader can now concentrate on what you've said without distraction.

gay fog

typo?

[Cleo_Serapis]

I think this is much better now that it is simpler! The reader can now concentrate on what you've said without distraction.

gay fog

typo?

Thanks very much Patsy!

I fixed that typo now too!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Rev 3 now posted - just a few word changes toward the end....

[JLY]

Lori,
Your revision is much improved. This is a story I could have written...you have captured much of what I had experienced in a similar situation.

The only thing I see that I feel needs changing is the following line....

[b]A most beautiful melody the pairing of most with beautiful sounds like something an adolescent would say.....I think you need to lose the word "most" in favor of something else or possibly re-write the line.....that is the only bump I see in this very well-written storyline.

JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Lori,
Your revision is much improved. This is a story I could have written...you have captured much of what I had experienced in a similar situation.

The only thing I see that I feel needs changing is the following line....

[b]A most beautiful melody the pairing of most with beautiful sounds like something an adolescent would say.....I think you need to lose the word "most" in favor of something else or possibly re-write the line.....that is the only bump I see in this very well-written storyline.

JLY

Thanks John!

I am relieved to hear that it's something you could relate to and sounds liek a real-life experience. This is from my imagination. I have made a fourth revision just now and removed the word 'most' per your suggestion. I've made several other changes as well throughout.

Glad you stopped by John!
~Cleo